Monogamy

Ladies Take Back Your Power: Dating Do!


Honesty.  Honesty is what everyone says they want when dating.  More specifically, women gripe about men not being dishonest in what they want; short-term and long-term relationship goals.  But ladies let’s be honest with ourselves, we don’t always tell men what we want.  We’ve all been through situationships that linger longer than necessary because we are afraid to be honest with ourselves and our mate, in hopes that one day everything will work itself out.  This is plain and simple bullshit!!  Ladies let’s stop fooling ourselves and stop being fearful to tell these men what we want!!  What is a ‘situationship’ you ask?  A situationship is when you are in a dating pattern, which means there is consistency in spending time with someone whom you are dating.  It is almost like being in a relationship, but it has not yet been established and thus you just have a situation.  Here is a brief example:

The Situationship:

Greg and Trisha have been dating for six months.  Both Greg and Trisha have been consistent in their dating routine, spending up to 4-5 nights together and most weekends.  They generally get along and have in-depth conversations about their lives.  Greg and Trisha eventually discuss their past relationships.  Greg explains his past relationship ended because the arguments increased and they grew apart.  Trisha says her ex-boyfriend cheated and she felt like she was in a relationship alone.  In the situationship, both Greg and Trisha are content.  Greg is happy because he and Trisha get along, they do not argue.  Trisha is happy because Greg makes her happy with his consistency and he has not given her a reason to distrust him.  Things are fine until time catches up to them, well more so Trisha, because now they are almost seven months in and she wants to know where this is going for them.  When asked, Greg says “he’s good” and  enjoys the time they spend together.  For Trisha this means, Greg needs more time before getting into a relationship, so she needs to be patient.  Trisha, on the other hand, does not tell Greg she is into him, enjoys the time they spend together, and wants a relationship with him; instead she goes with the flow.  By month eight there have been a few changes to their situationship because Trisha believes Greg is dating someone else.  Although he is still consistent with Trisha, she knows he sometimes spends time with another woman.  But she can’t be upset or confront Greg about this other woman because technically they are not in a relationship right??  They are simply in a situationship.  Here is where Trisha being upfront about what she wants is vital.  Just as Trisha needed to hear Greg’s thoughts about the future of their situationship, Greg too needed to hear what Trisha desired for their future.  It would have then become clear to Greg that Trisha did not want to continue with the situationship and rather wants a relationship.  This does not mean Trisha would get the feedback she wants, but at least both parties are clear on what each other desires.

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Trisha is guilty of doing what so many women do in dating; go with the flow.  I have a few theories of why women make this mistake.  One of my theories is actually fact because when I did it (back in my dating days), it was because I told the man what I thought he wanted to hear; NOTHING (lol).  I thought keeping my mouth shut was a good thing and I did not want to be that woman who nagged about being in a relationship.  A huge Dating Don’t!  My other theory is that some women are fearful of the response they will get back from the men.  It is the fear of the unknown; what if he shuts the whole situationship down and then there is NO chance of a relationship.  Another huge Dating Don’t!  Fear is the common denominator for these two theories mentioned and it is most likely the reason for the many other theories that exist.  Ladies it is time to take back our power!!  Why are we leaving the development of relationships up to men??  Listen to what your “man” is saying; if he’s saying give him time, then give him time; if you want to!  If he says he is not interested in a relationship and you are, then leave his butt alone!  If he says he’s not sure of what he wants for the future right now, then give yourself a timeframe of when you need to move on and if necessary, MOVE ON!  Whatever the situation, there is a solution; a solution that you can control based on what you want.  Believe me, these men are going to tell you exactly what they want and they’re not going to change simply because you keep quiet and decided to go with the flow.  Ladies be honest with men and most importantly, be honest with yourself!!  A huge Dating Do!

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I’s Married Now!!!


August 2015 my life changed and the journey of married-life began.  I transitioned from Ms. to Mrs. in what seemed like 30 minutes (at least the ceremony part), but it definitely is a long-term change.  It has been three months since I married the love of my life and the question I am often asked now is, “How’s married life?”  What a question!!  I never really know how to answer that question.  I don’t mind the question at all, but sometimes the response I get after my answer is sometimes annoying.  If I say married-life is great, I may get the response “well you’re still in the honeymoon phase.”  I sometimes try to beat them to the punch and say married life is work but worth it, and I’ll get the response of “It is only the beginning; it is A LOT of work, sacrifice…,” blah blah blah.  So because of the feedback which has mostly been negative or alarming, unfortunately, I just say it’s great and move on.  Sometimes the responses are meant to be funny or typical 96d789f342e3bca5c138679ad5ec5772.600xmarriage banter which I too am guilty of, but then there are those who should not inflict their marital experience on me and mine (damnit! LoL). I am not one to shy away from relationship or marital advice, so that is not the issue at all.  However, I do not particularly like it when people are negative rather than constructive; if they have to give any feedback at all.  But I digress and I take it with a grain of salt.  I understand where the question stems from because I too have been guilty of asking questions or saying cliché statements in response to life events.  For example, I’ve asked couples when baby #1 or #2 are coming, which I since learned is a no-no and that is another conversation in itself, but for me it was just something to say.  However, let’s discuss it; is married-life really different from the committed relationship life?

Absolutely there is a difference, which prior to marriage I didn’t think there would be.  I always valued marriage and knew I wanted that to be the next step for me with the right person.  However, after being with someone for years, I thought marriage would be the same in regards to the transition.  However, marriage is like being a part of an organization, a prestigious organization.  It is an organization where different rules apply, it’s a title of the highest order, and more importantly an oath that was taken before God is to be upheld.  My husband and I were together 3 years before taking our vows and I thought it would be the same as we transitioned into married life, but it does feel different.  For me personally I had to make a few changes after getting married.  The first being changing my name.  I took my husband’s name and I will admit it was quite emotional.  For 31 years I was a ‘Middleton’ and now I took on a new name; a new identity of sorts.  I had to change my license, bank accounts, and get used to saying my new name.  Don’t get me wrong, I say my new name with pride and excitement, but the process of the name change was just that, a process.  In addition to a new name, my priorities changed because the rules of sorts have changed.

I take the vows I took before God very seriously, so yes my priorities have changed.  My relationship was a priority  previous to marriage, but marriage changes the dynamics.  I am now a WIFE!  That is a big deal and I am proud to have this title.  Maybe that should be my answer the next time someone asks me “How’s married life?”  I will respond, I AM A WIFE!! Lol!  I love being a part of the married “organization” and of course there is work involved, but what in life does not require work?  If you want success, you have to work for it.  Therefore, if you want a successful marriage, you have to work for it.  So how’s married life?  In a nutshell married-life is an honor, a lot of work, and a great “organization” to be a part of…with the right person of course!

Whether you are newly married or have been married for quite a while, please share your experiences and advice.  I’d love to hear from you!  Leave a comment below or email me at thedating3ds@gmail.com.  Guest writers are also welcome!

What Would You Do – Dealing With The Baby-mama Part II


One of my most popular posts to date is “Dealing With The Baby-mama.”  In summary, the post is about ways to deal with the obstacles of dating a man with children, and more specifically dealing with the mother of his children.  I also address how I dislike the term baby-mama, but since the term has become the staple meaning for an out-of-wedlock single mother, I will use it for the purpose of the post.  Anyway, as of late a couple of news stories have popped up about men with girlfriend’s, a newborn (not with the girlfriend), and of course the baby-mama.  I am referencing the recent stories about the newly engaged couple Dwyane Wade and

What Would You Do - Dealing With the Baby-Mama Part IIGabrielle Union and  couple Ludacris and Eudoxie.  If you have not heard the news, both Wade and Ludacris recently fathered children with women other than their girlfriends Union and Eudoxie (does anybody know how to pronounce this child’s name?? hehe).  Unfortunately in our society, children are produced from affairs all the time, so of course I am not at all surprised by this.  What particularly sparked my interest about these stories, especially Wade and Union, is that Union said yes to a proposal from Wade about a month after Wade’s new baby-mama gave birth!

Let us first understand the story portrayed in the media.  Check out this excerpt courtesy of the theurbandaily.com.

Who is Aja Metoyer? Aja Metoyer is the mother of Dwyane Wade’s third child, a baby boy named Xavier Zechariah Wade born Nov. 10, 2013, in Los Angeles. Aja Metoyer and Dwyane Wade likely conceived the child in February 2013, and while the Miami Heat superstar insists he was on a break from Gabrielle Union, who he began dating in 2009 and proposed to in December, weeks after Xavier’s birth, evidence suggests they were still together at the time of the affair.

What Would You Do - Dealing With The Baby-mama Part II

Two questions came to mind after I heard about this scenario: 1) in relationships, what is the meaning of a “break” and 2) ladies would be able to forgive your boyfriend if he conceived a child while you were on a “break?”  To include men, fellas would you be able to forgive your girlfriend if she conceived a child while you were on a “break?”

What Would You Do - Dealing With The Baby-mama Part II

There has been speculation about whether the couple were on a “break” or not at the time of Wade’s rendezvous.  Quite honestly I do not like the word “break” nor do I think there is a solid definition for it in relationships.  I think the definition of the term is determined by the couple in the relationship.  For example, if the couple decides to give one another “space” (there’s another word for ya), there should be a discussion about what a “break” means for their relationship.  Some couples may define “break” as a temporary change, allowing each other to clear their heads with the goal of reconciling.  Other couples may define “break” as a “break-up” where they are single again and have no ties to one another.  Who knows what the term meant for Wade and Union’s relationship, but it is evident Wade wants the public to know he did not cheat on Union.

The media and the public also questioned the timing of Wade’s proposal to Union, and whether or not she knew about the child.  By no means do any of us know what Wade and Union’s relationship entails.  We are only spectators, so I do believe it is unfair to pass judgement on her decision to forgive and accept Wade’s proposal.  I would not want anyone to pass judgement on my relationship, nor would I care because that is between me and mine!  With that said, I think it is a brave decision to forgive in this particular situation and it definitely takes a strong person to deal with it.  I don’t like to put limitations on myself, but I don’t know if I could be that forgiving and strong no matter what definition of “break” we used.  A scenario like this is one of the reasons why I’ve always said I will not date an entertainer (rapper, athlete, actor, singer) because situations like this are too common.  That does not mean a regular Joe couldn’t do the same, but there are different circumstances with an entertainer.  You can read more about my thoughts on this in the post “No Studio-Dudes Please!!”

What Would You Do - Dealing With The Baby-mama Part II

I am interested to hear what you all think about this story and put yourself in Gabrielle Union’s shoes and the shoes of other women who deal with this kind of situation…what would you do?  And fellas, if the shoe were on the other foot, would you stay?

Monogamous Dating???


The other day I was reflecting on my past dating experiences, and realized I date monogamously. I date one person at a time. I don’t subconsciously do it, but I noticed that it’s something I’ve done consistently. So I started thinking, why do single people date monogamously? Why do we further limit ourselves in a lifestyle that already has so many limitations. We all have limits in who we find attractive, the characteristics we look for, their values, and the list goes on and on. So why do we sabotage ourselves from dating an additional person who possesses our desired qualities? There are a few dynamics that attribute to this habit. Gender, culture, and fear play significant roles in why single people date monogamous.

I wouldn’t be surprised to discover that more women date monogamously than men do. However, I can only speak from my personal experiences. Looking back on my past relationships and/or dating experiences, it appears I always got caught up in the moment. My pattern has been that I meet someone, we have good chemistry, we spend a lot of time together, then it either fizzles out or it progresses into a relationship. When the chemistry is good, he becomes my main interest. If we talk, text, and go out often, I get sucked into monogamous dating . I get so comfortable talking and spending time with this one person, that it just happens. For some reason I think it’s a lot easier for women to become comfortable and fall into a rut, then it is for men. It’s easier for men to shop around, so to speak, and date a few women at a time. Women like the stability of dating one person, but it also has a lot to do with culture.

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Schwarzenegger: The Bad, The Stupid & The Ugly


I contemplated for a while about writing this post. Initially I thought it were a bad idea because everyone was talking about it, and I often like to bring the ‘not so obvious’ to light. Then, the more I heard the details of the story, I became annoyed and I HAD to talk about it. So let me give some background first , then I’ll give my opinion on the matter. CBS Evening News reported Arnold Schwarzenegger had a long-term affair with a staffer hired by him and his wife, Maria Shriver. The affair with the staffer resulted in a pregnancy of his now fourteen year-old son, whom Schwarzenegger has supported financially and emotionally. It’s reported that the mistress of California’s former governor, Mildred ‘Patty’ Baena, worked for the couple for twenty years. Baena continued to work in the Schwarzenegger and Shriver home while she was pregnant and after giving birth to Schwarzenegger’s son. The scandal was kept a secret for years before Schwarzenegger revealed the truth to his wife in January, shortly after completing his final term in office as governor. The devastated and humiliated Shriver moved out their home in January, and the couple has been separated since. The story of the “love-child” has now come out due to Schwarzenegger and Shriver’s recent publicity about the dissolution of their marriage. And here we are now…

Hmmm, where should I begin?? Instead of starting with the bad and the stupid, I’ll start with the ugly.

This is Schwarzenegger’s former mistress Mildred ‘Patty’ Baena. Excuse me for my candor, but how does a man cheat on Maria Shriver for this? Yes I can be rude when talking about Baena, because she is just as much to blame for this scandal. Sorry, but on the attractive meter, Baena is pulling about a 5 or 6. For those of you thinking she probably was a 10 ‘back in the day,’ I’ll show you ‘back in the day (thanks to TMZ).’

Yup she’s still a 5 or 6!!! Of course the mistress’ looks are the least of concerns in all this infidelity mess, but it does make you think “Why her?” Schwarzenegger chose to betray the beautiful, smart, supportive, and strong wife, for the less-than attractive and dishonest housekeeper. Dishonest because not only did she have an affair with her employer’s husband, but at the time of the affair she was also married. What was Schwarzenegger thinking?

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For The Fellas


A Wednesday Treat 🙂

In March I posted a video clip for the ladies, appropriately titled “For The Ladies.” My cousin shared the following clip on her Facebook page, and I was so drawn to it, I had to share it with all of you. It’s a great piece titled “When I Became A Man.” The only word I can use to describe it is – powerful!

No Studio-Dudes Please!!


What’ s a studio-dude? A studio-dude is an up-and-coming rapper/singer, producer, or hype-man. I call them studio-dudes because they spend most of their time in the studio preparing for their breakthrough hit. I have zero interest in a studio-dude and as soon as I hear, “I’ve been in the studio,” I immediately retreat! No thank you, I’m not interested, it was nice meeting you, gotta go! I don’t discredit anyone’s career or goals, but I don’t particularly like to date studio-dudes or entertainers. I define an entertainer as a famous rapper, singer, hype-man, producer, professional sports player, club promoter, DJ, and actor. I feel like I missed a few, but you get my point. Any one of these careers are a deal breaker for me. What’s even worse are the men who name-drop. For example, “I’ve been in the studio with DJ Drama and we bout to make it happen.” Really? Name dropping is a huge turn off for me because I don’t care! (Hmm I guess there is a dating don’t in here: Don’t name drop for the sake of proving your status in the industry.) My panties aren’t dropping for that nonsense! I strongly prefer not to date entertainers because of the baggage that follows them. Rumors, paternity tests, fame, travel, fluctuating schedule, arrogance, drama, limited “us” time, and most importantly infidelity. Yes the big ‘c’ word, cheating, is a big reason why I won’t date an entertainer. I understand cheating is not solely limited to entertainers, but the temptations are ten times higher for them.

A woman dating a studio-dude/entertainer must enter the relationship with a preconception that cheating will be an issue. Entertainers are in a career that welcomes money and groupies. Money + Groupies =  Trouble Trouble (in my Bernie Mac voice lol). Studio-dudes have their groupies too, who love “hanging out” in the studio or the club. Some women might disagree and think the level of trust with an average Joe, should be the same for a studio-dude/entertainer. That’s a good theory for the mind, but in reality it’s stupid. It’s the groupies you can’t trust, and it’s the power and freedom of the studio dudes/entertainer’s career that allows the opportunity for infidelity. Have you ever seen a groupie in action?!?! OMG! A groupie is the equivalent of a horny dog, and just in case you’ve never seen a horny dog, it humps everything!! An example of this (not the horny dog part) is best described by a clip from VH1’s Basketball Wives. I don’t particularly like the show because it’s annoying that 35+ year old mothers argue about trivial things. (I do like Real Housewives of Atlanta though…go figure, lol.) Anyway here’s the clip of the episode in question (just in case you missed it) and you’ll have a better understanding of why I think infidelity is a preconceived notion when dating an entertainer.

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