Insecure

Ladies Take Back Your Power: Dating Do!


Honesty.  Honesty is what everyone says they want when dating.  More specifically, women gripe about men not being dishonest in what they want; short-term and long-term relationship goals.  But ladies let’s be honest with ourselves, we don’t always tell men what we want.  We’ve all been through situationships that linger longer than necessary because we are afraid to be honest with ourselves and our mate, in hopes that one day everything will work itself out.  This is plain and simple bullshit!!  Ladies let’s stop fooling ourselves and stop being fearful to tell these men what we want!!  What is a ‘situationship’ you ask?  A situationship is when you are in a dating pattern, which means there is consistency in spending time with someone whom you are dating.  It is almost like being in a relationship, but it has not yet been established and thus you just have a situation.  Here is a brief example:

The Situationship:

Greg and Trisha have been dating for six months.  Both Greg and Trisha have been consistent in their dating routine, spending up to 4-5 nights together and most weekends.  They generally get along and have in-depth conversations about their lives.  Greg and Trisha eventually discuss their past relationships.  Greg explains his past relationship ended because the arguments increased and they grew apart.  Trisha says her ex-boyfriend cheated and she felt like she was in a relationship alone.  In the situationship, both Greg and Trisha are content.  Greg is happy because he and Trisha get along, they do not argue.  Trisha is happy because Greg makes her happy with his consistency and he has not given her a reason to distrust him.  Things are fine until time catches up to them, well more so Trisha, because now they are almost seven months in and she wants to know where this is going for them.  When asked, Greg says “he’s good” and  enjoys the time they spend together.  For Trisha this means, Greg needs more time before getting into a relationship, so she needs to be patient.  Trisha, on the other hand, does not tell Greg she is into him, enjoys the time they spend together, and wants a relationship with him; instead she goes with the flow.  By month eight there have been a few changes to their situationship because Trisha believes Greg is dating someone else.  Although he is still consistent with Trisha, she knows he sometimes spends time with another woman.  But she can’t be upset or confront Greg about this other woman because technically they are not in a relationship right??  They are simply in a situationship.  Here is where Trisha being upfront about what she wants is vital.  Just as Trisha needed to hear Greg’s thoughts about the future of their situationship, Greg too needed to hear what Trisha desired for their future.  It would have then become clear to Greg that Trisha did not want to continue with the situationship and rather wants a relationship.  This does not mean Trisha would get the feedback she wants, but at least both parties are clear on what each other desires.

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Trisha is guilty of doing what so many women do in dating; go with the flow.  I have a few theories of why women make this mistake.  One of my theories is actually fact because when I did it (back in my dating days), it was because I told the man what I thought he wanted to hear; NOTHING (lol).  I thought keeping my mouth shut was a good thing and I did not want to be that woman who nagged about being in a relationship.  A huge Dating Don’t!  My other theory is that some women are fearful of the response they will get back from the men.  It is the fear of the unknown; what if he shuts the whole situationship down and then there is NO chance of a relationship.  Another huge Dating Don’t!  Fear is the common denominator for these two theories mentioned and it is most likely the reason for the many other theories that exist.  Ladies it is time to take back our power!!  Why are we leaving the development of relationships up to men??  Listen to what your “man” is saying; if he’s saying give him time, then give him time; if you want to!  If he says he is not interested in a relationship and you are, then leave his butt alone!  If he says he’s not sure of what he wants for the future right now, then give yourself a timeframe of when you need to move on and if necessary, MOVE ON!  Whatever the situation, there is a solution; a solution that you can control based on what you want.  Believe me, these men are going to tell you exactly what they want and they’re not going to change simply because you keep quiet and decided to go with the flow.  Ladies be honest with men and most importantly, be honest with yourself!!  A huge Dating Do!

A Letter To My Son’s Mother…


A Letter to My Son’s Mother…
 
If I said I wish I never met you, that wouldn’t be totally accurate.  If we had never crossed paths that day in September 7 years ago, then I wouldn’t have come to know the most precious gift I have ever been given, my son.  I do wish however, that I never knew and could easily forget this evil, malicious, vindictive, stop at nothing to hurt me, woman you have become.  Never would I have imagined that it would come to this; us “fighting” over something that you know is so dear to me and I that I though was dear to you.  Yet you lead this charge and have me doing something unimaginable; having to prove in court the type of father I have always been and that you and so many others know that I have been.  
I was the father who stayed at home for almost 2 years to take care of our son.  The father who changed diapers, fed him around the clock so you could get some sleep, never missed a doctor’s appointment, fixed breakfast and lunch for his daycare so we could save money.  I taught him things, helped with homework and projects, and took him to and from school.  I even regularly brought him to your job so you could spend time with him on your lunch break or so you could take him around to your coworkers.  You NEVER had to worry about the care our son was getting.  Up until you put me out, that was the way it had been.  All of a sudden it is like none of this ever happened and I have gone from being an “excellent father” to a “freeloading, irresponsible, “deadbeat” in a matter of months.  How???  Why???  I haven’t even been able to understand it yet.  
Yes our marriage didn’t work and I have long accepted and made peace with the part I played in that.  I have to live with the fact that I failed as a husband, at keeping the family together and for the broken promises, hopes, plans, etc.  But I have not failed as a father to my son.  I understand your hurt, anger, disappointment, and I can’t apologize enough.  But it has absolutely nothing to do with our son or the things I have done for him and with him up to this point.  I have always played a MAJOR role in his life and you know that.  But this is your way to make me hurt as much as you do.  Forget husband and wife, this is mother and father, and I’ll never understand how a mother could slander and defame a father who has done nothing but be there and provide for his son as best I could.  My son and I have a bond which it is well-known you have always been jealous of, and that is mind-boggling.  
All the fathers who aren’t there for their kids for whatever reason, and I have always been there and this is what I get???  You can’t hurt me anymore than you already have just by your words in your petition alone.  Forget the ACS allegation, sending the police to my house under false pretenses, making it difficult for me to see my son. The things you wrote BURN because you and everybody else know that it is the furthest thing from the truth.  Those words attempt to obliterate what I have done as a father and I know the place from which those words came.  I never expected this from the woman I was once married to, and everyone is blindsided by your actions.  People who had a relationship with you be it my parents, sister, brother, grandmother, friends, and neighbors are dumbfounded by the things you continuously do to attempt to alienate me from my son.  
I don’t expect an apology from you, as that time has come and probably gone for me to even accept one, but I should never say never.  You have put me through so much with regards to my son and I guess your reasoning would be that I put you through so much during our marriage.  But was it really that bad to warrant what you have become???  Yes I was “consistently inconsistent” but I was always consistent with the love, care, time, and attention that I gave our son and that’s what it should continue to be about, regardless of how we ended up…
 
Troy

For The Fellas


A Wednesday Treat 🙂

In March I posted a video clip for the ladies, appropriately titled “For The Ladies.” My cousin shared the following clip on her Facebook page, and I was so drawn to it, I had to share it with all of you. It’s a great piece titled “When I Became A Man.” The only word I can use to describe it is – powerful!

Men Stop Whining & Grow Some…


Who would have thought one day I’d use the popular 90’s sitcom, Family Matters, as a dating tool for men? Not me, but believe it or not it exemplifies the exact message I want to portray to men; being insecure and a pushover gets you no where in dating! Remember how Steve Urkel ran after Laura Winslow, begged for a date, a kiss, or whatever he could get? Time after time Laura expressed her disinterest, but she also knew when to use him for her benefit. Yes, Steve Urkel may have been too oblivious to be insecure, but he definitely was a pushover. I’m sure Laura had other reasons why she rejected Steve (Haha), but I’m sure his lack of strength played a part in her decision. Think about it. Laura would drool whenever Steve went into his transformation machine to change to his alter ego Stephan Urquelle. Ladies don’t front, you were drooling too! (Hmm maybe not so much now) Back then there was something appealing about Stephan and the ladies loved him for it. Stephan had swagga, he was smooth, he was attractive, but more appealing than anything else, he was confident and strong. Fellas that’s what the ladies want! A man who is an insecure pushover, won’t last too long dating a confident woman. I’ve talked to the ladies in previous posts about loving themselves (Playing Catch Up; Ladies Stop Blaming Men!!!; Candid Conversation), but now I have to talk to the fellas because some of you just don’t have a clue!

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Playing Catch Up



Wow! I will be 28 in August and it seems like yesterday I was anxiously preparing for my 18th birthday. I couldn’t wait to be “grown,” and now I wish I was young again. I’m actually teasing a little. I’m not too worried about getting older, even under the circumstances. I’m not married, nor am I in a serious relationship with the potential marry soon. I don’t have children, and according to most doctors, realistically I have about 12 years before birth becomes a risk. 12 years may seem like a long time, but it’ll be here before I know it. So you’d probably think someone like me might feel depressed or pressured because at 27 I’m not where I’m “supposed” to be. It’s quite the contrary though. I’m happy and comfortable with where I am in my life – single and fancy free!

Some men and women, especially women, with my lifestyle feel the urge to play catch up. I see women who play catch up all the time, and in my opinion it gets them no where except alone, unhappy, or divorced. One of my most prized guidelines in dating is “Don’t settle.” Settling is the worst thing a woman or man can do, but women particularly get more pressure to marry and have children. Unfortunately the more pressure toward women, the more they settle. Women who settle into a relationships or marriage to ‘catch up’ to societies idealisms, only hurt themselves. Are you one of these women? If you are, then take the pressure off of you. Value your life, your goals, and your purpose! You might think it’s easier said than done, but honestly it’s simple. The day you truly and undoubtedly love yourself, is the day you will never look at dating the same. You will forever be changed because you will know exactly what you do and don’t want in a mate. Aside from dating, you’ll have a better sense of life, and what you do and don’t need to fulfill it. So here’s another dating guideline to live by, “Do love yourself before you attempt to love someone else.”

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When a Woman Snaps!!


What would possess a woman to take a folding chair & break the windows of her boyfriend’s car? Ohhh right, anger, obsession, and a lot of stupidity. Men are guilty of acts of vandalism just the same, but in this post I’m talking about the ladies. If you’ve ever watched Snapped on Oxygen network (one of my guilty pleasures), you’re familiar with the women who literally “snap,” and murder their husbands or boyfriends. Some women plan their attack and others just have a moment of rage, however their motives are the same – to hurt him! Latonya Dawson (the woman in the video) obviously wanted to hurt her boyfriend bc she went after what’s probably his most prized possession. However, similar to the women on Snapped, Miss Dawson only hurt herself. She’s been charged with Malicious Destruction of Personal Property and Domestic Violence. Oh yeah girl, you got him good! (in my most sarcastic voice)

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No Studio-Dudes Please!!


What’ s a studio-dude? A studio-dude is an up-and-coming rapper/singer, producer, or hype-man. I call them studio-dudes because they spend most of their time in the studio preparing for their breakthrough hit. I have zero interest in a studio-dude and as soon as I hear, “I’ve been in the studio,” I immediately retreat! No thank you, I’m not interested, it was nice meeting you, gotta go! I don’t discredit anyone’s career or goals, but I don’t particularly like to date studio-dudes or entertainers. I define an entertainer as a famous rapper, singer, hype-man, producer, professional sports player, club promoter, DJ, and actor. I feel like I missed a few, but you get my point. Any one of these careers are a deal breaker for me. What’s even worse are the men who name-drop. For example, “I’ve been in the studio with DJ Drama and we bout to make it happen.” Really? Name dropping is a huge turn off for me because I don’t care! (Hmm I guess there is a dating don’t in here: Don’t name drop for the sake of proving your status in the industry.) My panties aren’t dropping for that nonsense! I strongly prefer not to date entertainers because of the baggage that follows them. Rumors, paternity tests, fame, travel, fluctuating schedule, arrogance, drama, limited “us” time, and most importantly infidelity. Yes the big ‘c’ word, cheating, is a big reason why I won’t date an entertainer. I understand cheating is not solely limited to entertainers, but the temptations are ten times higher for them.

A woman dating a studio-dude/entertainer must enter the relationship with a preconception that cheating will be an issue. Entertainers are in a career that welcomes money and groupies. Money + Groupies =  Trouble Trouble (in my Bernie Mac voice lol). Studio-dudes have their groupies too, who love “hanging out” in the studio or the club. Some women might disagree and think the level of trust with an average Joe, should be the same for a studio-dude/entertainer. That’s a good theory for the mind, but in reality it’s stupid. It’s the groupies you can’t trust, and it’s the power and freedom of the studio dudes/entertainer’s career that allows the opportunity for infidelity. Have you ever seen a groupie in action?!?! OMG! A groupie is the equivalent of a horny dog, and just in case you’ve never seen a horny dog, it humps everything!! An example of this (not the horny dog part) is best described by a clip from VH1’s Basketball Wives. I don’t particularly like the show because it’s annoying that 35+ year old mothers argue about trivial things. (I do like Real Housewives of Atlanta though…go figure, lol.) Anyway here’s the clip of the episode in question (just in case you missed it) and you’ll have a better understanding of why I think infidelity is a preconceived notion when dating an entertainer.

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