Inconsistent

Ladies Take Back Your Power: Dating Do!


Honesty.  Honesty is what everyone says they want when dating.  More specifically, women gripe about men not being dishonest in what they want; short-term and long-term relationship goals.  But ladies let’s be honest with ourselves, we don’t always tell men what we want.  We’ve all been through situationships that linger longer than necessary because we are afraid to be honest with ourselves and our mate, in hopes that one day everything will work itself out.  This is plain and simple bullshit!!  Ladies let’s stop fooling ourselves and stop being fearful to tell these men what we want!!  What is a ‘situationship’ you ask?  A situationship is when you are in a dating pattern, which means there is consistency in spending time with someone whom you are dating.  It is almost like being in a relationship, but it has not yet been established and thus you just have a situation.  Here is a brief example:

The Situationship:

Greg and Trisha have been dating for six months.  Both Greg and Trisha have been consistent in their dating routine, spending up to 4-5 nights together and most weekends.  They generally get along and have in-depth conversations about their lives.  Greg and Trisha eventually discuss their past relationships.  Greg explains his past relationship ended because the arguments increased and they grew apart.  Trisha says her ex-boyfriend cheated and she felt like she was in a relationship alone.  In the situationship, both Greg and Trisha are content.  Greg is happy because he and Trisha get along, they do not argue.  Trisha is happy because Greg makes her happy with his consistency and he has not given her a reason to distrust him.  Things are fine until time catches up to them, well more so Trisha, because now they are almost seven months in and she wants to know where this is going for them.  When asked, Greg says “he’s good” and  enjoys the time they spend together.  For Trisha this means, Greg needs more time before getting into a relationship, so she needs to be patient.  Trisha, on the other hand, does not tell Greg she is into him, enjoys the time they spend together, and wants a relationship with him; instead she goes with the flow.  By month eight there have been a few changes to their situationship because Trisha believes Greg is dating someone else.  Although he is still consistent with Trisha, she knows he sometimes spends time with another woman.  But she can’t be upset or confront Greg about this other woman because technically they are not in a relationship right??  They are simply in a situationship.  Here is where Trisha being upfront about what she wants is vital.  Just as Trisha needed to hear Greg’s thoughts about the future of their situationship, Greg too needed to hear what Trisha desired for their future.  It would have then become clear to Greg that Trisha did not want to continue with the situationship and rather wants a relationship.  This does not mean Trisha would get the feedback she wants, but at least both parties are clear on what each other desires.

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Trisha is guilty of doing what so many women do in dating; go with the flow.  I have a few theories of why women make this mistake.  One of my theories is actually fact because when I did it (back in my dating days), it was because I told the man what I thought he wanted to hear; NOTHING (lol).  I thought keeping my mouth shut was a good thing and I did not want to be that woman who nagged about being in a relationship.  A huge Dating Don’t!  My other theory is that some women are fearful of the response they will get back from the men.  It is the fear of the unknown; what if he shuts the whole situationship down and then there is NO chance of a relationship.  Another huge Dating Don’t!  Fear is the common denominator for these two theories mentioned and it is most likely the reason for the many other theories that exist.  Ladies it is time to take back our power!!  Why are we leaving the development of relationships up to men??  Listen to what your “man” is saying; if he’s saying give him time, then give him time; if you want to!  If he says he is not interested in a relationship and you are, then leave his butt alone!  If he says he’s not sure of what he wants for the future right now, then give yourself a timeframe of when you need to move on and if necessary, MOVE ON!  Whatever the situation, there is a solution; a solution that you can control based on what you want.  Believe me, these men are going to tell you exactly what they want and they’re not going to change simply because you keep quiet and decided to go with the flow.  Ladies be honest with men and most importantly, be honest with yourself!!  A huge Dating Do!

Chivalry Is Not Dead, But Women Are Killing It!!


If you couldn’t tell from the title alone, I am going to be frank on the subject of chivalry.  Let me first define chivalry; a male moral or social code of courteous behavior to the female counterpart.  Chivalry is best described by such actions as men opening and holding doors for women, a man giving up his seat to a woman when necessary, or a man pulling out a woman’s chair as they prepare to dine.  Chivalry are the niceties that men do to show women respect.  So often I hear “chivalry is dead” or “chivalry is a dying trend.”  I disagree with the first complaint because chivalry is definitely not dead, however the latter statement is true because women (and men) are responsible for the decline of chivalry.  I am not putting much emphasis on the responsibility of men, particularly because women we are leaders and as of late we have become too passive in this area.  Ladies before you judge and berate me for my opinion, let’s think about this for a second.  How many times have you been out with a man and stepped aside to allow him to open the door for you?  How many times have you waited at the car door (doesn’t matter what door) to have the man open the door for you?  How many times have you played a role in being passive to chivalry?

See I can ask these questions because I was the independent woman opening my own doors or pulling out my own chairs.  I was the woman who was with a man who didn’t attempt to open doors for me, but I didn’t call him on it and I allowed it to become the norm.  I was passive to chivalry.  It’s not that I didn’t know what chivalry was; my father taught me this a long time ago!  I had gotten so comfortable with being independent that the chivalrous behavior of men was an after thought.  I got to the car door, I naturally opened it and got in the car.  I got to the door first, I naturally opened the door and walked in.  If we went grocery shopping, I naturally grabbed some bags before going in the house.  All these things were so natural to me, but they were taking away the responsibilities of the man.  I was not setting high expectations of how I wanted and ought to be treated.  I didn’t think chivalry was a big deal.  However it is a big deal, and it is especially important to establish this in the initial dating phase.  Ladies, men will only do what you allow them to do.  It takes a caring and respectful man to address things you allow him to get away with, otherwise, some men won’t say a word and have the mentality “if she doesn’t care, then why should I?”  As leaders it is our responsibility to be assertive about what we want and expect, and what we will not settle for!

Now the other side of the argument is that the lines of what is chivalrous has become distorted by the ‘hollering’ and ‘game-spitting.’ (Damn I sound old)  The previous argument was mainly about chivalry in dating and relationships; it’s about setting expectations.  Here I am talking about strangers who’ve made it hard for women to judge if a man is just being chivalrous or being a pervert.  Some men are just chivalrous by nature regardless if they know you or not, but then you have those men who have a motive.  I’ve experienced a man who happens to being walking ahead of me purposefully slow down so that he can open the door for me to look at my butt.  I can imagine fellas playing devils advocate and saying “well how do you know he was trying to cop a peek?”  Fellas if you don’t know anything about women, know that women know when a man is being sneaky, when he’s trying to catch a peek, and when he’s about to say something sleazy, “damn you look good” or “hey sexy.”  Women can tell that stuff from a mile away and men do not know how to be discreet!  So yes I understand why some women are leery of men and do not allow them to be chivalrous.  I’ve had to tell a creepy man to “go ahead” and I take the door myself and walk in behind him to avoid feeling like an object as I walk past.  So fellas, if you are trying to be chivalrous and get an annoyed look from a woman, don’t take it personal, just understand she is not sure what your motive is and she encounters a lot of bullshit from men on a daily basis.  There are a lot of men who spend time talking game and being disrespectful, which makes it a little difficult to discern when a man is just being a gentleman.

The moral of the story is, allowing a man to be chivalrous is not a weakness for women.  It is not about emasculating women, and rather it is a sign of respect.  Ladies we have to take ownership of our actions and we deserve to be treated with respect.  Forget about this new modern way of thinking, which we sometimes over-analyze the simplest things.  For god-sake when did opening a door become sexist?  I am not telling you to teach a man to be chivalrous, but I am suggesting to set your expectations high and sometimes show him what you deserve.  Don’t be so quick to walk in front of him to get to the door first.  Walk by his side and allow him to open the door, and politely stand there if he does not.  He’ll get the point, but if it takes him too long to get it, then that’s not your job to teach him.  I only know this because I had to be reminded of this in my relationship.  Anytime I dare reach for a door or car door handle to let myself in, my boyfriend says “Oh so you’re feeling independent today huh” and immediately I move my hand and step aside.  I remember one particular time when an older man watched my boyfriend open my car door, and the man said to him “It’s nice to see a young man opening the door for his lady.”  It’s not that young men are not chivalrous and do not know how to act, it’s that women have allowed them to get away with being less than chivalrous.  Oh yeah and ladies stop complaining about the lack of chivalry if you contribute to the decline.  Instead, join me in reviving this dying trend and making a conscious effort to expect more and not settle for less! #DatingDo

A Letter To My Son’s Mother…


A Letter to My Son’s Mother…
 
If I said I wish I never met you, that wouldn’t be totally accurate.  If we had never crossed paths that day in September 7 years ago, then I wouldn’t have come to know the most precious gift I have ever been given, my son.  I do wish however, that I never knew and could easily forget this evil, malicious, vindictive, stop at nothing to hurt me, woman you have become.  Never would I have imagined that it would come to this; us “fighting” over something that you know is so dear to me and I that I though was dear to you.  Yet you lead this charge and have me doing something unimaginable; having to prove in court the type of father I have always been and that you and so many others know that I have been.  
I was the father who stayed at home for almost 2 years to take care of our son.  The father who changed diapers, fed him around the clock so you could get some sleep, never missed a doctor’s appointment, fixed breakfast and lunch for his daycare so we could save money.  I taught him things, helped with homework and projects, and took him to and from school.  I even regularly brought him to your job so you could spend time with him on your lunch break or so you could take him around to your coworkers.  You NEVER had to worry about the care our son was getting.  Up until you put me out, that was the way it had been.  All of a sudden it is like none of this ever happened and I have gone from being an “excellent father” to a “freeloading, irresponsible, “deadbeat” in a matter of months.  How???  Why???  I haven’t even been able to understand it yet.  
Yes our marriage didn’t work and I have long accepted and made peace with the part I played in that.  I have to live with the fact that I failed as a husband, at keeping the family together and for the broken promises, hopes, plans, etc.  But I have not failed as a father to my son.  I understand your hurt, anger, disappointment, and I can’t apologize enough.  But it has absolutely nothing to do with our son or the things I have done for him and with him up to this point.  I have always played a MAJOR role in his life and you know that.  But this is your way to make me hurt as much as you do.  Forget husband and wife, this is mother and father, and I’ll never understand how a mother could slander and defame a father who has done nothing but be there and provide for his son as best I could.  My son and I have a bond which it is well-known you have always been jealous of, and that is mind-boggling.  
All the fathers who aren’t there for their kids for whatever reason, and I have always been there and this is what I get???  You can’t hurt me anymore than you already have just by your words in your petition alone.  Forget the ACS allegation, sending the police to my house under false pretenses, making it difficult for me to see my son. The things you wrote BURN because you and everybody else know that it is the furthest thing from the truth.  Those words attempt to obliterate what I have done as a father and I know the place from which those words came.  I never expected this from the woman I was once married to, and everyone is blindsided by your actions.  People who had a relationship with you be it my parents, sister, brother, grandmother, friends, and neighbors are dumbfounded by the things you continuously do to attempt to alienate me from my son.  
I don’t expect an apology from you, as that time has come and probably gone for me to even accept one, but I should never say never.  You have put me through so much with regards to my son and I guess your reasoning would be that I put you through so much during our marriage.  But was it really that bad to warrant what you have become???  Yes I was “consistently inconsistent” but I was always consistent with the love, care, time, and attention that I gave our son and that’s what it should continue to be about, regardless of how we ended up…
 
Troy

I’ve Been Had, Hoodwinked, Bamboozled!!


At a swanky Manhattan lounge I met a nice gentleman, which for the purposes of this post, I will call him “Marc.” Marc was good-looking with a charming smile. I don’t know how tall he was, but he was taller than me with my heels on, so that was good enough for me. He wore a dark grey suit with his tie slightly loosened and his square toe shoes were very stylish (yes fellas, women notice everything). I was immediately attracted to him. It was one of those situations where we eyed each other from a distance, and then he approached me at the bar and introduced himself. We went through the “what’s your name, do you come here often,” pleasantries, and at that time I discovered he works in the accounting field (I don’t remember his exact title, but needless to say, he gets paid). He expressed his love for travel, nice restaurants, and art. We exchanged numbers and made plans to go out the next weekend to his friend’s art gallery. I figured it was an opportunity to experience something new for a date, rather than the typical dinner and a movie. I was excited about the date, and intrigued to learn more about Marc.

That Friday Marc and I met in the city after work. I suggested having dinner before going to the gallery, but his idea of dinner was far different from mine. He wanted to “grab a quick bite to eat.” Apparently from the look I gave him, he got the clue I wasn’t happy with his idea. “A quick bit to eat” sounded like Wendy’s or McDonalds. He apologized and explained he drove to work that day and didn’t plan on parking in a parking garage. Therefore, he claimed he didn’t have enough cash to pay for both the parking garage and dinner. I was annoyed because it sounded like a lame excuse to me! He doesn’t have an ATM card or a credit card?? So I asked him “What can you afford?” He replies, “Well Hooters is a couple of blocks away.” At that moment I had two options. One option was to go home, and the other was to proceed with the date and get great material for the blog. Guess which option I chose? After all the bad dates I’ve had, I figured, what the hell, another one won’t kill me. I agreed to go to Hooters with Marc, who doesn’t have enough money for dinner and parking (this is how I will always remember him). I won’t go into detail about what happened at Hooters, but in a nutshell, Marc couldn’t stop looking at the Hooter girls, his conversation was bland, and he had the nerve to be arrogant! I assume he was embarrassed our first date was at Hooters, but he lost me with the comment “I had women say I was the best date they ever had.” FAIL!! He could have at least apologized or tried to explain, but his arrogance was not flattering.  I was reminded of the guy I dated from the post “Rotisserie Chicken, One Fork, and A Mattress – Worst Date Ever!!” It was hard to believe this was the same smooth man I met the week before, donned in a nice suit at a plush after hours lounge.

This experience was probably the second time I was hoodwinked, and bamboozled! Apparently I meet men who represent themselves one way, but on the date they are different people. Even if I gave Marc the benefit of the doubt that it was an “off night,” he was still WRONG! Any man with common sense would prepare for a date in advance – Dating Do! It is absurd to plan a date if your money is tight – Dating Don’t! Furthermore, it is common knowledge that time spent in New York City, is time spent spending money – Dating Duh!! Now here’s the lesson for the ladies, and particularly those who are “Updating Your Dating Pool.” Sometimes it doesn’t matter where you meet him, what he’s wearing, or how articulate he is; he may still be a LOSER! Luckily I’ve gotten to a point in dating where I expect the worst and hope for the best. It’s been a while since I’ve had a good date, but I know the time will eventually come. I haven’t given up! But until then, all I can do is laugh. HaHa!! 🙂

How To Tell If She’s Pulling Your String


In Monday’s post “Stop Stringing Him Along,” I talked about the “just in case” dude. As mentioned in the post, this is the man (dude) that a woman may hold on to just in case she’s lonely, just in case she’s rejected by her real love interest, and the list goes on. I advised the ladies to stop stringing men along, however at the end of the post I asked “Do men know the signs when a woman is uninterested or are they settling?” I can imagine a group of men answering these questions differently, especially depending on the woman they’re dating. A woman can be a great actress and act interested, but in reality she is just stringing him along. In dealing with an actress, men are not at fault for being the ‘just in case” dude. The men that should know better, are the ones with women who are giving clear signs that she is uninterested. I agree that women should be honest and tell men what’s really going on, but unfortunately it’s the nature of the game. Men just have to filter out the women that play the game, and they can start by knowing the signs. So fellas listen up!

You know you’re the “just in case” dude when…

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Updating Your Dating Pool


How do I update my Dating Pool??

So, I am single (again) and Loving it!!! 34 yr. and a professional… But I realized that I need to improve my dating pool… meaning…meet a different caliber of Guys. I want to meet professionals that are established in their careers and able to have fun and knows that “Applebees” is NO longer an appropriate Date Spot….

How do you do this?….. Suggestions???

Ms. Ready to Mingle

‘Ms. Ready to Mingle’ sounds a lot like me. Newly single, ready to mingle, but mingling with less-than desirable men. You posed a great question, “How do I update my dating pool?” I’ve personally avoided and struggled with this question. It’s one of those things where you know what you need to do to change circumstances, but either you don’t have the urge or energy to do it. However, it sounds like you, ‘Ms. Ready to Mingle,’ have the urge and willingness to get out there. My suggestions may have already been attempted or they may be brand new, either way updating the dating pool is not easy. We have to do the opposite of whatever we are doing now, to add variety to the pool. I have three suggestions to expand the pool, and number one is crucial. (Let me be clear that as I talk to you, I am talking to myself :))

1) Reflect on your habits and recognize what YOU are doing wrong

This may sound like I’m putting the blame on you, and you’re right! The change starts within! You are to blame if we continue to add the same ingredients to the pot. So for example, you’d like to meet a different caliber of men, so that means you have to do a better job of filtering men. It’s easy to date the same type of men because it’s habit. Habits must die in order for change to happen. Reflect on how, where, and under what circumstances you meet the men who think “Applebees” is an appropriate date spot. Is it a vibe that you give off, or is he giving you clues early on, which tell you he’s an “Applebees” kind of guy. Of course I mention “Applebees” because it was mentioned, but it’s much deeper than “Applebees.” You know what type of man you want to date, so be observant of what type of men you attract. Observe what type of man he is from the time he says “hello,” and how he says “hello.” A man’s approach tells a lot about him. You can’t be too judgmental from “hello” and limit your options too much, but be clear of what your attraction is to the man. If it’s solely based on looks, then you can’t be mad if he takes you to “Applebees,” but if you like his humor or charisma, then he might be worth adding to your pool. Be mindful of your current dating patterns, and try not to fall into the same rut.

2) Take your time in life

How often do you slow down? As a single professional woman (especially if you have a child/children), you probably rush through the little things in life. It may sound silly, but it’s true. Recently I’ve discovered that there are some FOINE (that’s ‘fine’ with a twist) men at the grocery store. Seriously!! Whether they are single or not, I don’t know, but just the idea that there are options is enough. People have it stuck in their head that they’ll find a mate at the club or at some event. In all actuality it may happen at anytime during your daily routine. I’m not a believer in hunting for a mate, but I am a believer in “when it’s meant to be, it will be.” Sometimes love hits you when you least expect it. You may not meet your next mate during a girls-night-out at the club, but rather you may meet him at the mall, grocery store, post office, etc. When you can, slow down in your day-to-day tasks and live in the moment. When you’re in a rush you walk fast, talk fast, think fast, and men may find it hard to catch up.

3) Be open-minded and venture into new territory

I’ll admit number three is a hard one for me. To meet a different caliber of men, we have to be open-minded to new places and new routines. I imagine most people, get into a routine with our extra-curricular activities. During your free time, you do the same things, go to the same places, and see the same people (or different people, but the same types). You have to expand your horizons, and that may mean doing things by yourself. That last comment was hard to say because I sure don’t do it! I find it hard to go places by myself, but I’ve also noticed that if I don’t do it by myself, I’m further limiting my experiences and opportunities. For example, if I want to go to a movie, but my girls either don’t want to or they can’t, I tend to stay in the house. What’s stopping me from going to the movie by myself? What’s stopping you? In certain situations you have to consider doing things on your own, especially if you have friends who have different lifestyles than you (sole-custody single parent, married, or in a relationship). Their Friday or Saturday night availability may be totally different from yours. Of course as women we have to be careful and make wise decisions about where we go on our own, but we have to at least be open to the idea. The more time spent in the house, is more time spent isolated. The more you are out and about, the more opportunity you have to meet different people. You have to get out and put yourself out there that your single and ready to mingle!

A friend of mine, Travis Williams, recently said “Successful women are always getting compliments, but never getting dates. Tragic.” He couldn’t be more right, but as a woman, you have to do a better job at making yourself available to the men you want to attract. I can say that because I know I’m not doing everything I could be doing. So thank you ‘Ms. Ready to Mingle,’ and let’s work on getting our groove back!!

*What’s your dating pool like?