Ex

Ladies Take Back Your Power: Dating Do!


Honesty.  Honesty is what everyone says they want when dating.  More specifically, women gripe about men not being dishonest in what they want; short-term and long-term relationship goals.  But ladies let’s be honest with ourselves, we don’t always tell men what we want.  We’ve all been through situationships that linger longer than necessary because we are afraid to be honest with ourselves and our mate, in hopes that one day everything will work itself out.  This is plain and simple bullshit!!  Ladies let’s stop fooling ourselves and stop being fearful to tell these men what we want!!  What is a ‘situationship’ you ask?  A situationship is when you are in a dating pattern, which means there is consistency in spending time with someone whom you are dating.  It is almost like being in a relationship, but it has not yet been established and thus you just have a situation.  Here is a brief example:

The Situationship:

Greg and Trisha have been dating for six months.  Both Greg and Trisha have been consistent in their dating routine, spending up to 4-5 nights together and most weekends.  They generally get along and have in-depth conversations about their lives.  Greg and Trisha eventually discuss their past relationships.  Greg explains his past relationship ended because the arguments increased and they grew apart.  Trisha says her ex-boyfriend cheated and she felt like she was in a relationship alone.  In the situationship, both Greg and Trisha are content.  Greg is happy because he and Trisha get along, they do not argue.  Trisha is happy because Greg makes her happy with his consistency and he has not given her a reason to distrust him.  Things are fine until time catches up to them, well more so Trisha, because now they are almost seven months in and she wants to know where this is going for them.  When asked, Greg says “he’s good” and  enjoys the time they spend together.  For Trisha this means, Greg needs more time before getting into a relationship, so she needs to be patient.  Trisha, on the other hand, does not tell Greg she is into him, enjoys the time they spend together, and wants a relationship with him; instead she goes with the flow.  By month eight there have been a few changes to their situationship because Trisha believes Greg is dating someone else.  Although he is still consistent with Trisha, she knows he sometimes spends time with another woman.  But she can’t be upset or confront Greg about this other woman because technically they are not in a relationship right??  They are simply in a situationship.  Here is where Trisha being upfront about what she wants is vital.  Just as Trisha needed to hear Greg’s thoughts about the future of their situationship, Greg too needed to hear what Trisha desired for their future.  It would have then become clear to Greg that Trisha did not want to continue with the situationship and rather wants a relationship.  This does not mean Trisha would get the feedback she wants, but at least both parties are clear on what each other desires.

quote-learn-to-ask-for-what-you-want-the-worst-people-can-do-is-not-give-you-what-you-ask-for-which-is-peter-mcwilliams-124947

Trisha is guilty of doing what so many women do in dating; go with the flow.  I have a few theories of why women make this mistake.  One of my theories is actually fact because when I did it (back in my dating days), it was because I told the man what I thought he wanted to hear; NOTHING (lol).  I thought keeping my mouth shut was a good thing and I did not want to be that woman who nagged about being in a relationship.  A huge Dating Don’t!  My other theory is that some women are fearful of the response they will get back from the men.  It is the fear of the unknown; what if he shuts the whole situationship down and then there is NO chance of a relationship.  Another huge Dating Don’t!  Fear is the common denominator for these two theories mentioned and it is most likely the reason for the many other theories that exist.  Ladies it is time to take back our power!!  Why are we leaving the development of relationships up to men??  Listen to what your “man” is saying; if he’s saying give him time, then give him time; if you want to!  If he says he is not interested in a relationship and you are, then leave his butt alone!  If he says he’s not sure of what he wants for the future right now, then give yourself a timeframe of when you need to move on and if necessary, MOVE ON!  Whatever the situation, there is a solution; a solution that you can control based on what you want.  Believe me, these men are going to tell you exactly what they want and they’re not going to change simply because you keep quiet and decided to go with the flow.  Ladies be honest with men and most importantly, be honest with yourself!!  A huge Dating Do!

A Letter To My Son’s Mother…


A Letter to My Son’s Mother…
 
If I said I wish I never met you, that wouldn’t be totally accurate.  If we had never crossed paths that day in September 7 years ago, then I wouldn’t have come to know the most precious gift I have ever been given, my son.  I do wish however, that I never knew and could easily forget this evil, malicious, vindictive, stop at nothing to hurt me, woman you have become.  Never would I have imagined that it would come to this; us “fighting” over something that you know is so dear to me and I that I though was dear to you.  Yet you lead this charge and have me doing something unimaginable; having to prove in court the type of father I have always been and that you and so many others know that I have been.  
I was the father who stayed at home for almost 2 years to take care of our son.  The father who changed diapers, fed him around the clock so you could get some sleep, never missed a doctor’s appointment, fixed breakfast and lunch for his daycare so we could save money.  I taught him things, helped with homework and projects, and took him to and from school.  I even regularly brought him to your job so you could spend time with him on your lunch break or so you could take him around to your coworkers.  You NEVER had to worry about the care our son was getting.  Up until you put me out, that was the way it had been.  All of a sudden it is like none of this ever happened and I have gone from being an “excellent father” to a “freeloading, irresponsible, “deadbeat” in a matter of months.  How???  Why???  I haven’t even been able to understand it yet.  
Yes our marriage didn’t work and I have long accepted and made peace with the part I played in that.  I have to live with the fact that I failed as a husband, at keeping the family together and for the broken promises, hopes, plans, etc.  But I have not failed as a father to my son.  I understand your hurt, anger, disappointment, and I can’t apologize enough.  But it has absolutely nothing to do with our son or the things I have done for him and with him up to this point.  I have always played a MAJOR role in his life and you know that.  But this is your way to make me hurt as much as you do.  Forget husband and wife, this is mother and father, and I’ll never understand how a mother could slander and defame a father who has done nothing but be there and provide for his son as best I could.  My son and I have a bond which it is well-known you have always been jealous of, and that is mind-boggling.  
All the fathers who aren’t there for their kids for whatever reason, and I have always been there and this is what I get???  You can’t hurt me anymore than you already have just by your words in your petition alone.  Forget the ACS allegation, sending the police to my house under false pretenses, making it difficult for me to see my son. The things you wrote BURN because you and everybody else know that it is the furthest thing from the truth.  Those words attempt to obliterate what I have done as a father and I know the place from which those words came.  I never expected this from the woman I was once married to, and everyone is blindsided by your actions.  People who had a relationship with you be it my parents, sister, brother, grandmother, friends, and neighbors are dumbfounded by the things you continuously do to attempt to alienate me from my son.  
I don’t expect an apology from you, as that time has come and probably gone for me to even accept one, but I should never say never.  You have put me through so much with regards to my son and I guess your reasoning would be that I put you through so much during our marriage.  But was it really that bad to warrant what you have become???  Yes I was “consistently inconsistent” but I was always consistent with the love, care, time, and attention that I gave our son and that’s what it should continue to be about, regardless of how we ended up…
 
Troy

What Would You Do – Dealing With The Baby-mama Part II


One of my most popular posts to date is “Dealing With The Baby-mama.”  In summary, the post is about ways to deal with the obstacles of dating a man with children, and more specifically dealing with the mother of his children.  I also address how I dislike the term baby-mama, but since the term has become the staple meaning for an out-of-wedlock single mother, I will use it for the purpose of the post.  Anyway, as of late a couple of news stories have popped up about men with girlfriend’s, a newborn (not with the girlfriend), and of course the baby-mama.  I am referencing the recent stories about the newly engaged couple Dwyane Wade and

What Would You Do - Dealing With the Baby-Mama Part IIGabrielle Union and  couple Ludacris and Eudoxie.  If you have not heard the news, both Wade and Ludacris recently fathered children with women other than their girlfriends Union and Eudoxie (does anybody know how to pronounce this child’s name?? hehe).  Unfortunately in our society, children are produced from affairs all the time, so of course I am not at all surprised by this.  What particularly sparked my interest about these stories, especially Wade and Union, is that Union said yes to a proposal from Wade about a month after Wade’s new baby-mama gave birth!

Let us first understand the story portrayed in the media.  Check out this excerpt courtesy of the theurbandaily.com.

Who is Aja Metoyer? Aja Metoyer is the mother of Dwyane Wade’s third child, a baby boy named Xavier Zechariah Wade born Nov. 10, 2013, in Los Angeles. Aja Metoyer and Dwyane Wade likely conceived the child in February 2013, and while the Miami Heat superstar insists he was on a break from Gabrielle Union, who he began dating in 2009 and proposed to in December, weeks after Xavier’s birth, evidence suggests they were still together at the time of the affair.

What Would You Do - Dealing With The Baby-mama Part II

Two questions came to mind after I heard about this scenario: 1) in relationships, what is the meaning of a “break” and 2) ladies would be able to forgive your boyfriend if he conceived a child while you were on a “break?”  To include men, fellas would you be able to forgive your girlfriend if she conceived a child while you were on a “break?”

What Would You Do - Dealing With The Baby-mama Part II

There has been speculation about whether the couple were on a “break” or not at the time of Wade’s rendezvous.  Quite honestly I do not like the word “break” nor do I think there is a solid definition for it in relationships.  I think the definition of the term is determined by the couple in the relationship.  For example, if the couple decides to give one another “space” (there’s another word for ya), there should be a discussion about what a “break” means for their relationship.  Some couples may define “break” as a temporary change, allowing each other to clear their heads with the goal of reconciling.  Other couples may define “break” as a “break-up” where they are single again and have no ties to one another.  Who knows what the term meant for Wade and Union’s relationship, but it is evident Wade wants the public to know he did not cheat on Union.

The media and the public also questioned the timing of Wade’s proposal to Union, and whether or not she knew about the child.  By no means do any of us know what Wade and Union’s relationship entails.  We are only spectators, so I do believe it is unfair to pass judgement on her decision to forgive and accept Wade’s proposal.  I would not want anyone to pass judgement on my relationship, nor would I care because that is between me and mine!  With that said, I think it is a brave decision to forgive in this particular situation and it definitely takes a strong person to deal with it.  I don’t like to put limitations on myself, but I don’t know if I could be that forgiving and strong no matter what definition of “break” we used.  A scenario like this is one of the reasons why I’ve always said I will not date an entertainer (rapper, athlete, actor, singer) because situations like this are too common.  That does not mean a regular Joe couldn’t do the same, but there are different circumstances with an entertainer.  You can read more about my thoughts on this in the post “No Studio-Dudes Please!!”

What Would You Do - Dealing With The Baby-mama Part II

I am interested to hear what you all think about this story and put yourself in Gabrielle Union’s shoes and the shoes of other women who deal with this kind of situation…what would you do?  And fellas, if the shoe were on the other foot, would you stay?

The Ideal Man/Woman List: Do You Have One?


My Ideal Man

  • Spiritual
  • Gentleman
  • Family oriented
  • Ambitious
  • African-American
  • 0-1 child

This is my first and last attempt at creating a list for my ideal man. I’ve been told that all women at some point in their lives make such a list. I just heard about this in recent weeks, so the list is new to me. Apparently men create one too, although I don’t think men are expected to do so. In my research I discovered there is no standard to creating a list for an ideal man or woman. Some women and men create short and simple lists, while others are longer and detailed. I am neither a fan nor a hater of the list, but I think it has its good and bad purposes. The good is it can bring clarity in your dating life, which can help you narrow or expand your dating options. It is also a good way to avoid the settling complex. The bad in creating an ideal man or woman list are the unreal expectations. To believe that your ideal mate will be the man or woman who possesses all or most of the qualities on your list is absurd. If this were true, then I already found my ideal man. My ex-boyfriend was spiritual, a gentleman, family oriented, etc. So what happened? He was also a bona-fide workaholic!  Although he had everything else working in his favor, I wanted and deserved more. He may be a great man, an ideal man for another woman, but he was not my ideal man. If I dated according to my list I would add “no workaholics,” but that would be pointless. I refuse to rely on a list to find my ideal man. Although I am the creator of the list, I understand that life does not work that way. Putting too much faith in a list for an ideal man or woman will only lead to disappointment. Rico Rivers is a contributor for the popular website MingleCity.com. On the site Rico shared his list for his ideal woman, and it is extreme! Here is a snippet of his list:

(more…)

Stop Stringing Him Along


Ladies why do we string men along? You know what I’m talking about! We have the one guy who we adore, but we’re not quite sure about yet. Then we have the other guy who we really don’t care for, but he does nice things. Every situation is different, obviously, but we’ve all been in a situation where we held on to a man because we knew we could. A friend of mine, who kindly allowed me to talk about her experience, recently had this predicament with two men she dated. One man, let’s call him “Ricky,” she was very much interested in. She talked about him all the time, she was affectionate with him, and would be in a relationship with him in a heart beat. Then there’s “Brian,” who she barely mentioned, she kissed him twice within five months, and would drop him in a heart beat if “Ricky” wanted to be in a relationship. So why string “Brian” along if she is uninterested? For women in general the reasons vary , but one thing is clear. “Brian” and men in his situation are the “just in case” dude. For example, Brian is there just in case things don’t work out with “Ricky.” Just in case she is bored on a Saturday night. Just in case she feels down and needs to feel desired and wanted by somebody, anybody. I’m sure there are more reasons why women string men along “just in case,” but these are the few I’ve observed or personally experienced. Yes I am guilty of it too! Some women intend to string men along, however, there are women, like myself, who don’t do it purposefully. Either way ladies, it is a Dating Don’t!

A while back I found myself stringing a “Brian” along, and the end result was bad…for him. He was the nicest man I dated since I’d become single. He was gentleman, considerate, family oriented, and ambitious. An established professional with his own place, no children, and never married. Sounds like a dream man huh? Well naturally there were a few snags. We didn’t share the same interests, he was a know-it-all, and I simply was not attracted to him. Unfortunately he suffered from the Cornball Syndrome. I knew it wouldn’t work, but I was not immediately honest with him about my feelings. Why? I broke up with my ex-boyfriend about three months prior to dating him and I was feeling down, so I held on to him “just in case” I needed to feel desired and wanted by somebody, anybody. Sounds awful I know. I also continued to date him because I was trying to convince myself to stick it out because he at least possessed some of the qualities I looked for in a mate. So what if he didn’t make me laugh, what’s the big deal if he was a know-it-all, and everything I said became a “who’s right and who’s wrong” battle? Why should it bother me if he’s thirty-eight, but still dresses like he’s sixteen? I was holding on “just in case” my feelings changed. They never did. Eventually I realized I was being selfish. While I wasted time justifying why I should hold on to him, his feelings for me were growing. We were on two different levels. The situation was unfair to him and to myself. He was thinking about a relationship and traveling together, and I was wondering if I could tolerate his boring personality. I should have been honest a lot sooner.

Ladies it doesn’t take long to know whether or not you are interested in a man. It also doesn’t take long to know what type of man you are dating. If the two of you are just “having a good time,” then no harm will be done. Feelings can be hurt however, if you date a man knowing he is more interested in you, than you are in him. Women know what to say to string a man along and there comes a time to stop playing games, especially if you are a certain age. It is only a waste of time. The more time spent with a man you don’t like, is time spent away from meeting someone you may like. It’s not any better than settling, and why settle? Be real with men and be true to yourselves. Release the strings!

*On the contrary, I often wonder if the “just in case” dude knows their woman is not interested. Do these men know the signs when a woman is not interested or are they settling too? Hmm this may be a discussion for a later post. To be continued…

The Ol’ Switcharoo


Is it possible to pull the ol’ switcharoo in dating without hurting feelings? What’s the ol’ switcharoo you ask? I’ll try my best to make it simple. In dating, specifically, the ol’ switcharoo is a person who wants to switch their mate, for their mates friend or family member. For example, in the syndicated sitcom ‘Seinfeld,’ main character Jerry Seinfeld finds himself attracted to his girlfriends roommate. Jerry is attracted to the roommate’s vibrant and fun personality, which is a stark contrast from his girlfriends personality. Jerry and his friend George plot various ways to make ‘the switch,’ which ultimately their plan backfires. Another example of the switcharoo is the recent coverage of country-pop singer Shania Twain and her bitter divorce from her husband of fourteen years, Robert John “Mutt” Lange. The divorce was the result of an intimate relationship between Lange and Twain’s best friend. Basically Lange pulled the ol’ switcharoo. Of course there are huge differences between the switch on Seinfeld and that of Shania Twain (besides one being fictional and the other being real), but in either situation it is a risk. Should the ol’ switcharoo be attempted when it comes to matters of the heart? I say absolutely NOT; this is a definite dating don’t!

(more…)

The Ex-Factor


Several months ago I went on a date to a sophisticated restaurant where the ambiance was classy and cool. Likewise my date appeared sophisticated and classy, however his attitude and conversation exuded hostility and resentment. The hostility developed from his discussion about his ex-girlfriend. I perceived he typically was a calm and collected man, but the topic of his ex-girlfriend apparently set him off. Ironically he chose to talk about his ex-girlfriend all on his own. I simply asked him “When was your last relationship,” and he felt it necessary to give a drawn-out explanation of how the relationship ended. He lost me at that moment. Two essential ‘Dating Don’ts’ are 1) don’t talk in detail about your ex, and 2) don’t talk negatively about your ex. His story began with “Man she was a crazy broad,” and it was those very words that made me leave his ass alone!

(more…)