Break up

Ladies Take Back Your Power: Dating Do!


Honesty.  Honesty is what everyone says they want when dating.  More specifically, women gripe about men not being dishonest in what they want; short-term and long-term relationship goals.  But ladies let’s be honest with ourselves, we don’t always tell men what we want.  We’ve all been through situationships that linger longer than necessary because we are afraid to be honest with ourselves and our mate, in hopes that one day everything will work itself out.  This is plain and simple bullshit!!  Ladies let’s stop fooling ourselves and stop being fearful to tell these men what we want!!  What is a ‘situationship’ you ask?  A situationship is when you are in a dating pattern, which means there is consistency in spending time with someone whom you are dating.  It is almost like being in a relationship, but it has not yet been established and thus you just have a situation.  Here is a brief example:

The Situationship:

Greg and Trisha have been dating for six months.  Both Greg and Trisha have been consistent in their dating routine, spending up to 4-5 nights together and most weekends.  They generally get along and have in-depth conversations about their lives.  Greg and Trisha eventually discuss their past relationships.  Greg explains his past relationship ended because the arguments increased and they grew apart.  Trisha says her ex-boyfriend cheated and she felt like she was in a relationship alone.  In the situationship, both Greg and Trisha are content.  Greg is happy because he and Trisha get along, they do not argue.  Trisha is happy because Greg makes her happy with his consistency and he has not given her a reason to distrust him.  Things are fine until time catches up to them, well more so Trisha, because now they are almost seven months in and she wants to know where this is going for them.  When asked, Greg says “he’s good” and  enjoys the time they spend together.  For Trisha this means, Greg needs more time before getting into a relationship, so she needs to be patient.  Trisha, on the other hand, does not tell Greg she is into him, enjoys the time they spend together, and wants a relationship with him; instead she goes with the flow.  By month eight there have been a few changes to their situationship because Trisha believes Greg is dating someone else.  Although he is still consistent with Trisha, she knows he sometimes spends time with another woman.  But she can’t be upset or confront Greg about this other woman because technically they are not in a relationship right??  They are simply in a situationship.  Here is where Trisha being upfront about what she wants is vital.  Just as Trisha needed to hear Greg’s thoughts about the future of their situationship, Greg too needed to hear what Trisha desired for their future.  It would have then become clear to Greg that Trisha did not want to continue with the situationship and rather wants a relationship.  This does not mean Trisha would get the feedback she wants, but at least both parties are clear on what each other desires.

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Trisha is guilty of doing what so many women do in dating; go with the flow.  I have a few theories of why women make this mistake.  One of my theories is actually fact because when I did it (back in my dating days), it was because I told the man what I thought he wanted to hear; NOTHING (lol).  I thought keeping my mouth shut was a good thing and I did not want to be that woman who nagged about being in a relationship.  A huge Dating Don’t!  My other theory is that some women are fearful of the response they will get back from the men.  It is the fear of the unknown; what if he shuts the whole situationship down and then there is NO chance of a relationship.  Another huge Dating Don’t!  Fear is the common denominator for these two theories mentioned and it is most likely the reason for the many other theories that exist.  Ladies it is time to take back our power!!  Why are we leaving the development of relationships up to men??  Listen to what your “man” is saying; if he’s saying give him time, then give him time; if you want to!  If he says he is not interested in a relationship and you are, then leave his butt alone!  If he says he’s not sure of what he wants for the future right now, then give yourself a timeframe of when you need to move on and if necessary, MOVE ON!  Whatever the situation, there is a solution; a solution that you can control based on what you want.  Believe me, these men are going to tell you exactly what they want and they’re not going to change simply because you keep quiet and decided to go with the flow.  Ladies be honest with men and most importantly, be honest with yourself!!  A huge Dating Do!

What Would You Do – Dealing With The Baby-mama Part II


One of my most popular posts to date is “Dealing With The Baby-mama.”  In summary, the post is about ways to deal with the obstacles of dating a man with children, and more specifically dealing with the mother of his children.  I also address how I dislike the term baby-mama, but since the term has become the staple meaning for an out-of-wedlock single mother, I will use it for the purpose of the post.  Anyway, as of late a couple of news stories have popped up about men with girlfriend’s, a newborn (not with the girlfriend), and of course the baby-mama.  I am referencing the recent stories about the newly engaged couple Dwyane Wade and

What Would You Do - Dealing With the Baby-Mama Part IIGabrielle Union and  couple Ludacris and Eudoxie.  If you have not heard the news, both Wade and Ludacris recently fathered children with women other than their girlfriends Union and Eudoxie (does anybody know how to pronounce this child’s name?? hehe).  Unfortunately in our society, children are produced from affairs all the time, so of course I am not at all surprised by this.  What particularly sparked my interest about these stories, especially Wade and Union, is that Union said yes to a proposal from Wade about a month after Wade’s new baby-mama gave birth!

Let us first understand the story portrayed in the media.  Check out this excerpt courtesy of the theurbandaily.com.

Who is Aja Metoyer? Aja Metoyer is the mother of Dwyane Wade’s third child, a baby boy named Xavier Zechariah Wade born Nov. 10, 2013, in Los Angeles. Aja Metoyer and Dwyane Wade likely conceived the child in February 2013, and while the Miami Heat superstar insists he was on a break from Gabrielle Union, who he began dating in 2009 and proposed to in December, weeks after Xavier’s birth, evidence suggests they were still together at the time of the affair.

What Would You Do - Dealing With The Baby-mama Part II

Two questions came to mind after I heard about this scenario: 1) in relationships, what is the meaning of a “break” and 2) ladies would be able to forgive your boyfriend if he conceived a child while you were on a “break?”  To include men, fellas would you be able to forgive your girlfriend if she conceived a child while you were on a “break?”

What Would You Do - Dealing With The Baby-mama Part II

There has been speculation about whether the couple were on a “break” or not at the time of Wade’s rendezvous.  Quite honestly I do not like the word “break” nor do I think there is a solid definition for it in relationships.  I think the definition of the term is determined by the couple in the relationship.  For example, if the couple decides to give one another “space” (there’s another word for ya), there should be a discussion about what a “break” means for their relationship.  Some couples may define “break” as a temporary change, allowing each other to clear their heads with the goal of reconciling.  Other couples may define “break” as a “break-up” where they are single again and have no ties to one another.  Who knows what the term meant for Wade and Union’s relationship, but it is evident Wade wants the public to know he did not cheat on Union.

The media and the public also questioned the timing of Wade’s proposal to Union, and whether or not she knew about the child.  By no means do any of us know what Wade and Union’s relationship entails.  We are only spectators, so I do believe it is unfair to pass judgement on her decision to forgive and accept Wade’s proposal.  I would not want anyone to pass judgement on my relationship, nor would I care because that is between me and mine!  With that said, I think it is a brave decision to forgive in this particular situation and it definitely takes a strong person to deal with it.  I don’t like to put limitations on myself, but I don’t know if I could be that forgiving and strong no matter what definition of “break” we used.  A scenario like this is one of the reasons why I’ve always said I will not date an entertainer (rapper, athlete, actor, singer) because situations like this are too common.  That does not mean a regular Joe couldn’t do the same, but there are different circumstances with an entertainer.  You can read more about my thoughts on this in the post “No Studio-Dudes Please!!”

What Would You Do - Dealing With The Baby-mama Part II

I am interested to hear what you all think about this story and put yourself in Gabrielle Union’s shoes and the shoes of other women who deal with this kind of situation…what would you do?  And fellas, if the shoe were on the other foot, would you stay?

Schwarzenegger: The Bad, The Stupid & The Ugly


I contemplated for a while about writing this post. Initially I thought it were a bad idea because everyone was talking about it, and I often like to bring the ‘not so obvious’ to light. Then, the more I heard the details of the story, I became annoyed and I HAD to talk about it. So let me give some background first , then I’ll give my opinion on the matter. CBS Evening News reported Arnold Schwarzenegger had a long-term affair with a staffer hired by him and his wife, Maria Shriver. The affair with the staffer resulted in a pregnancy of his now fourteen year-old son, whom Schwarzenegger has supported financially and emotionally. It’s reported that the mistress of California’s former governor, Mildred ‘Patty’ Baena, worked for the couple for twenty years. Baena continued to work in the Schwarzenegger and Shriver home while she was pregnant and after giving birth to Schwarzenegger’s son. The scandal was kept a secret for years before Schwarzenegger revealed the truth to his wife in January, shortly after completing his final term in office as governor. The devastated and humiliated Shriver moved out their home in January, and the couple has been separated since. The story of the “love-child” has now come out due to Schwarzenegger and Shriver’s recent publicity about the dissolution of their marriage. And here we are now…

Hmmm, where should I begin?? Instead of starting with the bad and the stupid, I’ll start with the ugly.

This is Schwarzenegger’s former mistress Mildred ‘Patty’ Baena. Excuse me for my candor, but how does a man cheat on Maria Shriver for this? Yes I can be rude when talking about Baena, because she is just as much to blame for this scandal. Sorry, but on the attractive meter, Baena is pulling about a 5 or 6. For those of you thinking she probably was a 10 ‘back in the day,’ I’ll show you ‘back in the day (thanks to TMZ).’

Yup she’s still a 5 or 6!!! Of course the mistress’ looks are the least of concerns in all this infidelity mess, but it does make you think “Why her?” Schwarzenegger chose to betray the beautiful, smart, supportive, and strong wife, for the less-than attractive and dishonest housekeeper. Dishonest because not only did she have an affair with her employer’s husband, but at the time of the affair she was also married. What was Schwarzenegger thinking?

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The Ol’ Switcharoo


Is it possible to pull the ol’ switcharoo in dating without hurting feelings? What’s the ol’ switcharoo you ask? I’ll try my best to make it simple. In dating, specifically, the ol’ switcharoo is a person who wants to switch their mate, for their mates friend or family member. For example, in the syndicated sitcom ‘Seinfeld,’ main character Jerry Seinfeld finds himself attracted to his girlfriends roommate. Jerry is attracted to the roommate’s vibrant and fun personality, which is a stark contrast from his girlfriends personality. Jerry and his friend George plot various ways to make ‘the switch,’ which ultimately their plan backfires. Another example of the switcharoo is the recent coverage of country-pop singer Shania Twain and her bitter divorce from her husband of fourteen years, Robert John “Mutt” Lange. The divorce was the result of an intimate relationship between Lange and Twain’s best friend. Basically Lange pulled the ol’ switcharoo. Of course there are huge differences between the switch on Seinfeld and that of Shania Twain (besides one being fictional and the other being real), but in either situation it is a risk. Should the ol’ switcharoo be attempted when it comes to matters of the heart? I say absolutely NOT; this is a definite dating don’t!

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The Ex-Factor


Several months ago I went on a date to a sophisticated restaurant where the ambiance was classy and cool. Likewise my date appeared sophisticated and classy, however his attitude and conversation exuded hostility and resentment. The hostility developed from his discussion about his ex-girlfriend. I perceived he typically was a calm and collected man, but the topic of his ex-girlfriend apparently set him off. Ironically he chose to talk about his ex-girlfriend all on his own. I simply asked him “When was your last relationship,” and he felt it necessary to give a drawn-out explanation of how the relationship ended. He lost me at that moment. Two essential ‘Dating Don’ts’ are 1) don’t talk in detail about your ex, and 2) don’t talk negatively about your ex. His story began with “Man she was a crazy broad,” and it was those very words that made me leave his ass alone!

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Candid Conversation #1


Insecure: I think he’s cheating. He comes home really late or sometimes not at all. He doesn’t talk to me like he used to. He never wants to hang out. And when his phone rings, he always goes in the other room. I checked his phone and he’s been talking to this one girl a lot.

Secure: Yeah he’s probably cheating. Have you tried talking to him about your relationship to see if you’re on the same page?

Insecure: Yeah but he just blows me off. He says I’m imagining things and I’m nagging him. So I gave him some space for a few days, but that’s not helping.

Secure: Why are you giving him so much power? He comes home later or not at all, pretty much ignores you, spends no time with you, and he doesn’t want to talk about your relationship. So why are you with him?

Insecure: I’m not giving him power. I mean, he does spend some time with me when he can. He works a lot so I understand that. He said he’s so tired from work sometimes that he sleeps at his friend’s house that doesn’t live far from the job. He doesn’t want to drive when he’s really tired.

Secure: Ohhhh so now you’re justifying his deceitful actions. You do that a lot. You complain about what he’s doing wrong. I tell you he’s wrong and give you reasons why, then you justify his actions by telling me the same excuses he told you. It doesn’t make sense.

Insecure: I’m not making excuses, but I don’t want to make something out of nothing. What if he’s not cheating?

Secure: So if he you found out he’s not cheating, but his actions remain the same, would that make you feel better? Would you be happy in your relationship? Why is cheating the ultimate standard in your relationship? You’re settling because his actions are telling you that something is going on.

Insecure: If he’s not cheating, I would still have issues, but it would make things a little less complicated. We can work on the other stuff.

Secure: I believe in working things out, but it takes two people to make it work. He doesn’t want to talk to you or spend time with you, so how will you work it out? It seems like you’re waiting for him to make a move, rather than you making a move for yourself. You’re allowing him to do whatever he wants in your relationship and you can’t change him! The only person changing is you! You’re insecure and your actions are jealous. Looking through his phone, keeping tabs on him, and searching for clues of infidelity. You want to make sure no one else is making him happy, but why do you care so much since he’s not making you happy? You’re losing your power. Don’t allow him to take your power or your sanity. The longer you’re in this relationship, the longer you’ll be miserable and stressed. I’ve been where you are. The day you realize your worth, is the day your life will be forever changed.

Insecure: I want to be happy, but it’s hard because I love him.

Secure: You have to love you first! Maya Angelou said “Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” Jealousy and insecurity are dangerous and they’re often more harmful to the person who possesses it. It’s a mental torture! It kills me that you don’t know you’re own worth. You’re a beautiful person with a good heart and it’s sad that you can’t see that you deserve the same…you deserve to be happy. You need help to rebuild your self-esteem because that’s the only way your insecurity and jealousy will subside. Stop stressing over a man who is obviously not stressing over you! Take your power back!!

2 Years and No Turkey…DUH!!


(Originally posted December 1, 2010)

The holidays are here and while it’s a joyous time of year, it’s also the time of year when relationships are tested. During the Thanksgiving holiday I received an email from a reader who asked for relationship advice, which I’ll address her in this post. “What should I do if for the 2nd year my man doesn’t invite me to his family’s house for the holidays?” – Dazed & Confused

Initially I was appalled you asked for advice, but then I rationalized why the obvious is unclear to you. Because you’re in the relationship, it’s difficult for you to see what may be evident to those on the outside looking in. So I’ll bring the obvious to light for you “Dazed & Confused.” While I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship, I can tell that he is not fully committed to you. You’ve invested two years with a man who doesn’t have the courtesy nor the desire to invite you to his family’s Thanksgiving dinner. There is no excuse he could create that would justify his actions. You weren’t specific as to whether you previously met the family on a different occasion, but even if you had, it still doesn’t substantiate why he doesn’t want you to celebrate with his family on this occasion. A committed couple is supposed to share experiences together and create memories together with the intent to build a future together. It doesn’t seem like he wants to do that with you.

You have to ask yourself why he doesn’t want you to celebrate with his family. And I guarantee you already know the answer or you don’t want to admit it. Something fishy is already going on in your relationship and the lack of an invitation to Thanksgiving dinner is not your only problem. You said this is the 2nd year he didn’t invite you to Thanksgiving dinner, which means one of two things. Either your mate is unhappy in the relationship and he’s disrespectful enough not to invite you, or he doesn’t acknowledge you as his woman. When a man is “all in” a relationship, he is proud to introduce you as his woman…especially to his family who have loved and supported him throughout his life. If he’s not “showing you off,” then he’s not “all in.” I have an older brother who ‘s made it a point to only introduce the family to girlfriends that he’s absolutely serious about. The family doesn’t meet the woman that he casually dates because family is held to a high standard. You need to find out from your mate what you mean to him, so you have an idea if the both of you are on the same accord.

Often we get so caught up in time; how long we’ve known or dated a person, rather than thinking about the nature of the relationship. You’ve been with your mate for two years, but what was meaningful within those two years? Are you happy? Do you trust him? Does he treat you like you ought to be treated? If you answer no or have any justifications for why you answered no, then the relationship may not be worth another year. Before you jump the gun, however, keep in mind that I am giving suggestions purely based on the question you presented to me. I’m predicting that your relationship is complicated, which is why you sought advice, but you have to use your best judgment on how to deal with this dilemma. I definitely recommend that you have a well thought out conversation with your mate, but be prepared to hear everything he tells you. Really listen to what he’s tells you in words, body language and in his actions. Be aware that your happiness and peace of mind are most important! Relationships are hard work, but they’re not supposed to be one of life’s stresses. Love with common sense!

Thank you “Dazed & Confused” for allowing me to share your question with others. I hope my thoughts helped you and please keep me posted!