Ladies Take Back Your Power: Dating Do!

Honesty.  Honesty is what everyone says they want when dating.  More specifically, women gripe about men not being dishonest in what they want; short-term and long-term relationship goals.  But ladies let’s be honest with ourselves, we don’t always tell men what we want.  We’ve all been through situationships that linger longer than necessary because we are afraid to be honest with ourselves and our mate, in hopes that one day everything will work itself out.  This is plain and simple bullshit!!  Ladies let’s stop fooling ourselves and stop being fearful to tell these men what we want!!  What is a ‘situationship’ you ask?  A situationship is when you are in a dating pattern, which means there is consistency in spending time with someone whom you are dating.  It is almost like being in a relationship, but it has not yet been established and thus you just have a situation.  Here is a brief example:

The Situationship:

Greg and Trisha have been dating for six months.  Both Greg and Trisha have been consistent in their dating routine, spending up to 4-5 nights together and most weekends.  They generally get along and have in-depth conversations about their lives.  Greg and Trisha eventually discuss their past relationships.  Greg explains his past relationship ended because the arguments increased and they grew apart.  Trisha says her ex-boyfriend cheated and she felt like she was in a relationship alone.  In the situationship, both Greg and Trisha are content.  Greg is happy because he and Trisha get along, they do not argue.  Trisha is happy because Greg makes her happy with his consistency and he has not given her a reason to distrust him.  Things are fine until time catches up to them, well more so Trisha, because now they are almost seven months in and she wants to know where this is going for them.  When asked, Greg says “he’s good” and  enjoys the time they spend together.  For Trisha this means, Greg needs more time before getting into a relationship, so she needs to be patient.  Trisha, on the other hand, does not tell Greg she is into him, enjoys the time they spend together, and wants a relationship with him; instead she goes with the flow.  By month eight there have been a few changes to their situationship because Trisha believes Greg is dating someone else.  Although he is still consistent with Trisha, she knows he sometimes spends time with another woman.  But she can’t be upset or confront Greg about this other woman because technically they are not in a relationship right??  They are simply in a situationship.  Here is where Trisha being upfront about what she wants is vital.  Just as Trisha needed to hear Greg’s thoughts about the future of their situationship, Greg too needed to hear what Trisha desired for their future.  It would have then become clear to Greg that Trisha did not want to continue with the situationship and rather wants a relationship.  This does not mean Trisha would get the feedback she wants, but at least both parties are clear on what each other desires.


Trisha is guilty of doing what so many women do in dating; go with the flow.  I have a few theories of why women make this mistake.  One of my theories is actually fact because when I did it (back in my dating days), it was because I told the man what I thought he wanted to hear; NOTHING (lol).  I thought keeping my mouth shut was a good thing and I did not want to be that woman who nagged about being in a relationship.  A huge Dating Don’t!  My other theory is that some women are fearful of the response they will get back from the men.  It is the fear of the unknown; what if he shuts the whole situationship down and then there is NO chance of a relationship.  Another huge Dating Don’t!  Fear is the common denominator for these two theories mentioned and it is most likely the reason for the many other theories that exist.  Ladies it is time to take back our power!!  Why are we leaving the development of relationships up to men??  Listen to what your “man” is saying; if he’s saying give him time, then give him time; if you want to!  If he says he is not interested in a relationship and you are, then leave his butt alone!  If he says he’s not sure of what he wants for the future right now, then give yourself a timeframe of when you need to move on and if necessary, MOVE ON!  Whatever the situation, there is a solution; a solution that you can control based on what you want.  Believe me, these men are going to tell you exactly what they want and they’re not going to change simply because you keep quiet and decided to go with the flow.  Ladies be honest with men and most importantly, be honest with yourself!!  A huge Dating Do!


From Taboo 2 to I Do…The Countdown Begins!!!

Almost a year ago I shared one of the most amazing life experiences with you…the day I became engaged to the love of my life.  As you can imagine I have been super busy since then, which attributes to the lack of posts.  I can’t begin to tell you how appreciative I am of the new and old faithful followers who continue to comment and share how they miss my posts. 🙂  So definitely I wanted to take the time to share with you that today is the one month mark of my wedding date.  I couldn’t be more excited and anxious to embark on this new journey in my life!

It is hard to imagine I started this blog almost 5 years ago as a frustrated single woman tired and bored with the dating scene.  I used this format to share my personal dating experiences and as a forum to discuss general dating and relationship topics.  Although I’m no longer that frustrated single woman tired and bored with the dating scene, I still have opinions about the single-life and dating.  Now I’ll be able to share marital experiences and have open discussions about married life.  So no worries, the blog will continue and I have plans in the works for some changes in the future.  Stay tuned!  As always I love to hear from guest writers and I’d love to post your dating and relationship experiences.

Thanks for rockin with me yall!! 

The Dating Bubble: Are You In One??

How many of you put yourself in a little dating bubble?  If you don’t know what a dating bubble is, or if you are in one, allow me to explain.  You know you’re in a dating bubble when…

(You say)

  • “I only date older men or women”
  • “I only date men/women my age”
  • “I’m looking for a southern man/woman”

You get the point!  As you know my posts derive from personal experience or the experience of others, so this particular post is due to a recent conversation with an acquaintance.  The conversation was about attracting younger men.  The single 35 year old woman, whom I will call “Jasmine,” prefers dating men her age or older.  

However, younger men.  It was the ‘thought’ that bothered her.  “What can a young man do for me?”  “What could we possibly have in common?”  “If we have kids it will be awkward because I’ll be in my 40’s and he’ll just be in his 30’s.”  Apparently thoughts were running rapid in Jasmine’s mind, and as she said them aloud, I had deja vu.  I used to rationalize who I was going to date and why it would or would not work out, well before the date.  I put myself in a dating bubble, and Jasmine is doing the same.recently she is attracting men in the 25-29 year-old range.  While for some people this may not be an issue, I understood her concern.  I too once had an issue with dating 

Sometimes we have to stop over-thinking the dating scene and just do it.  Who knows what a 35 year-old woman and a 27 year-old man have in common, but Jasmine will never know if she doesn’t try.  And pleeeassseee ladies let’s stop marrying a man and having their children before we have the first date!!!  (We are all guilty of doing that , especially the ladies.)  What if the 27 year-old has more to offer than a 40 year-old?  I experienced this first-hand.  I too used to put myself in a dating bubble until I met the love of my life.  I always said “I only date older men.”  If you read some old posts from 2011, I mention this often.  I put myself in a bubble of dating older men because I had a couple experiences dating older men who were chivalrous and ambitious.  YAY!!  No, that’s what I thought I wanted, but I wanted so much more.  Then in one night I meet a younger man who is chivalrous, ambitious, family oriented, funny, and FOINE among other things!  What’s more interesting is that night I really stepped out my dating bubble because I approached him!!  Sometimes we have to stop saying what we don’t want and who we won’t date, and step out of our dating bubble aka the comfort zone.  Get out of the bubble and step into something new!  So “Jasmine” I hope you read this and give a 27, 35, and even a 45 year-old a chance!! #DatingDo!

      Applies in dating and other areas of life 😉        

Back To Business…


It is hard to believe that it is almost a year since I last posted, but alas it has really been that long!  As one would imagine, a lot has happened within a year.  I am still with the love of my life. It has been a refreshing, and sometimes challenging experience of growth in the relationship.  This is a great segue to mention an upcoming post about independent women having a seat.  Yes ladies, I have learned it is important to understand when to wear the independent woman hat, and when to take it off and give it a rest!  Also be on the look-out for an upcoming post about a specific dating topic in the African-American community.  It will be interesting!   Although I am no longer on the dating scene, of course I will still provide you with the crazy happenings that there are in dating, but from the experiences of friends, family, and you!  So please share your stories with me and other readers as a guest writer.  If you’re bashful  or not a confident writer, then I’ll be happy to share your story with credit. You can contact me at

Well this is my re-introduction of Dating Do’s, Don’ts & Duh, and a tiny snippet of what’s to come.  Although I’ve been gone for so long, I continue to get over 100 views/day and a few emails, which is a big deal for a little blogger like myself!  Thanks to those who support the blog, comment, email, and read!  Dating and relationships is a topic I’ve grown to love, and I created this format to share my experiences and to create dialogue, so again thanks for the support!

Do Women Hold Onto The Past More Than Men???

Do women hold onto the past more than men? According to the men I’ve asked, the answer is “Yes!” I initially disagreed, but my thoughts changed after an interesting discussion with my guy. A couple of weeks ago my guy asked what I thought about friends of the opposite sex. I responded “I have male friends, some who I can stand to get rid of, and others who I value.” My guy followed with “What is the benefit of a male friend?” He asked, is it the conversation, the laughter, or something else? I had to think for a moment. I can’t say I have deep conversations with my few male friends, but when we hang out we have a good time. Then there was the question “Have you been involved with any of your male ‘friends?'” Whoa! So I may have kissed one, dated another for a few months, and the other absolutely not. The final question was “When you met your ‘friends’ were they trying to get with you?” One I’ve known since kindergarten, he tried to date me, but I was not interested. One I met through a friend who she wanted us to date, but it didn’t work out. The other I met with the intention to date, but again it didn’t work out after dating a few months and we became cool. As I explained the circumstances about my male friends to my guy, I finally heard myself and realized I sounded ridiculous. Are these men really friends of mine and why do I consider them friends?

 “Exes turned ‘friends’ or people you used to date turned ‘friends.’ Are you holding onto your past???” -@RaRa_28

According to my guy and most guys I’ve talked to about this topic, men and women have very different perspectives about friends of the opposite sex. Of course this is nothing new, but it’s quite valid. Women are emotional and men are sexual. A woman is inclined to think emotionally about a male friend, while a man will think sexually about a female friend. Think about it; good conversation and fun is great for a man, but eventually he wants to have sex with his female friend. My guy posed this question, “If I have a female friend who I have good conversation and good times with, why wouldn’t I try to be with her sexually or date her?” Hmmmm… This has been the situation with all my male friends at one time. The point is there is always the possibility of attraction with a friend of the opposite sex. My female friends have never been attracted to me, tried to date me or have sex with me. A friend of the opposite sex is not on the same level as a friend of the same-sex, and attraction is the kicker. It is not fact, but it is often true.

Ask the women you know how they met their male friends. Was there ever an attraction? Was he trying to holla, or maybe she was trying to holla lol. Some women put past relationships or acquaintances in the friend category. Either he’s an old boyfriend that became a friend, or an old fling that became a friend. He may be an old cut-buddy who she is not cutting anymore, but they’re still friends. There is a history with these male “friends,” so why do we (as women) keep them in our lives? Women call him a male friend, but the male friend’s intent may be entirely different from friendship. If you met and his intention was to date you, he is not looking for friendship. You may not be interested and put him in the friend category,” but he may not think of you as a “friend.” He may be a friend to you, but you remain a goal to him. The goal is to get with you the way he initially intended. Should you give up your friends of the opposite sex for the sake of your relationship? No I am not saying that, but you should evaluate your friendship with the opposite sex. Is it a true friendship or are there other factors involved? For me I had to clean house of my ex-boyfriends turned “friends,” men I used to “talk” to turned “friends,” and men who just wouldn’t take a hint. It feels so good to let go of my past and start fresh. Are you holding onto your past?

Dating Fears = Dating Don’t!

Fear is the worst way to live life in general, but it is especially detrimental in dating. Dating with fear is the best way to hinder yourself from meeting new people, experiencing new things, and finding the one! Recently I helped a friend overcome one of her dating fears, and in the process I thought about some of my own dating fears. Here are a few:

  • Fear there is always someone better: Sometimes during the early dating stage when things are going well, I really like the guy, and there appears to be potential, in the back of my mind I am thinking “What if there is someone better for me?” The thought may linger in the back of my mind at no fault of the guy. He may be putting in work, attentive, funny, good-looking, etc., etc., but somehow I find myself wondering “What if?” It’s not that he’s not good enough, it’s just the fear of the unknown…
  • Fear that I am settling. By now you should know that I am an advocate for not settling in life and love, but I am actually afraid of settling. I make such an effort not to settle, that I limit myself from stepping out of my comfort zone. Does that make sense? I’m trying to say that I over-analyze who I am dating, his actions, his shortcomings, his goals, his everything. It is important not to settle…to a certain extent. I am learning the difference between compromise and settling, and it’s a hard lesson.
  • Fear that I might meet the right one, at the wrong time. I recently connected with someone who lives over 700 miles away from me in Atlanta, GA. I guess you can say it was a result of internet dating with a twist. We met through close mutual friends, made a connection via the internet, and then it progressed to daily phone calls. Our personalities clicked, we were in sync, and I thought maybe… Then reality set in and I thought about (maybe even over-analyzed) the fact that he lives so far away. Although I thought I may be ready to take a risk and make some moves, it just wasn’t the right time for me. Not only did I fear the timing wasn’t right, but again I feared “What if there’s someone better for me?” 

In the blog post “Your Peace Is Linked To The Way You Think” by Zakiya Mellanin, she states “Fear is rooted in self-preservation and when you live your life based in fear you will live your life defensively.” Wooooo her words couldn’t be more true! Dating fears lead to dating defensively, and I am sooo guilty of that. The good thing is I own that I am a fearful dater. Yes I date in fear. Damn that felt good! The hardest part is breaking the habit, but the biggest step is acknowledging the problem. The guy that lives so far away contributed in the acknowledgment of my dating fears, and I thank him for that. We all have to get this fantasy out of our minds of what our love lives are supposed to be, and just enjoy the ride. I preached about this in the post “Taking Risks In Dating…,” but I am an example that change takes work. I’m working on my dating fears… one date at a time.

Feeling SHORTchanged…

Fellas I beg you do not take offense to what I am about to say. Please keep in mind this is all about my preference. With that being said, “Leh go!”

The past few weekends is honestly the most I have been out in a long time, and every time I’ve gone out I felt SHORTchanged. What do I mean? I mean that in every club, restaurant, bar, whatever, or wherever I’ve gone there have been a slew of men 5’5 and under. Is it the water, the food, the lack of vitamins? Where did the tall men go? You’re probably thinking, “If you don’t like short men, don’t bother with them.” Simple right? It would be so simple except it seems the tall men are hiding, or maybe I just don’t know where to go to find them. I went to a popular club in Atlanta, The Velvet Room, and I was so uncomfortable. As my homegirl and I danced in the middle of the dance floor, about five men who were no taller than 5’5, came at us from every direction. It was the attack of the little men. LoL! I know I’m wrong for saying that, but lately I realized how much of a problem it is for me. I don’t mean to disrespect short men because I have short male friends whom I love to death and they are GOOD men, but they are not my preference. Seriously am I the only woman who has noticed the change in men??

Speaking of my friends who are good men, some might say I am SHORTchanging myself from finding a good man because I am ‘picky.’ That’s bull! Would you date a man or woman you were not physically attracted to? It’d be nice if it were all about personality and character, but guess what, it’s not! I recently met someone who is a little on the short side and I’d be lying to myself if I said his height did not bother me. I’d also be lying if I said so far from what he has shown me, he is a good guy in the sense that he has a nice personality and a plausible character. However, I know what I am attracted to and I am simply not attracted to men shorter than me. I am 5’5 myself, but I am a heels type of woman. Anyone who knows me, knows that I wear heels pretty much all the time. Therefore, it is difficult for me to wear my heels comfortably (especially my stilettos) with a man whom I would tower over. It bothers me! It is all about preference people. In Hollywood it’s cute for a short man to date a tall woman. I don’t live in Hollywood! I live in Atlanta, GA and I like my men tall with a little meat on their bones (not too much meat)! I may have had this preference all along but did not realize it. I guess it’s a part of the dating life. I am learning what I do and do not like in men. Call me ‘picky’ or whatever else, but I am being honest with myself. Dating allows you to grow and learn about yourself in regards to finding a mate, and that’s what I am doing. Don’t judge me LoL! It doesn’t bother me that there are some tall men who do not prefer to date short women. They like their women tall too, and I can’t be mad at that. It’s all about preference (I should make this my tag line LoL).

I hope the shorter fellas out there don’t take offense, but (here comes the tag line again) it’s all about preference! Sooo ladies in Atlanta, where do the tall men hang?? Help a sista out! LoL!!

*It’s all about preference!*