The Dating Experiment

Ladies Take Back Your Power: Dating Do!


Honesty.  Honesty is what everyone says they want when dating.  More specifically, women gripe about men not being dishonest in what they want; short-term and long-term relationship goals.  But ladies let’s be honest with ourselves, we don’t always tell men what we want.  We’ve all been through situationships that linger longer than necessary because we are afraid to be honest with ourselves and our mate, in hopes that one day everything will work itself out.  This is plain and simple bullshit!!  Ladies let’s stop fooling ourselves and stop being fearful to tell these men what we want!!  What is a ‘situationship’ you ask?  A situationship is when you are in a dating pattern, which means there is consistency in spending time with someone whom you are dating.  It is almost like being in a relationship, but it has not yet been established and thus you just have a situation.  Here is a brief example:

The Situationship:

Greg and Trisha have been dating for six months.  Both Greg and Trisha have been consistent in their dating routine, spending up to 4-5 nights together and most weekends.  They generally get along and have in-depth conversations about their lives.  Greg and Trisha eventually discuss their past relationships.  Greg explains his past relationship ended because the arguments increased and they grew apart.  Trisha says her ex-boyfriend cheated and she felt like she was in a relationship alone.  In the situationship, both Greg and Trisha are content.  Greg is happy because he and Trisha get along, they do not argue.  Trisha is happy because Greg makes her happy with his consistency and he has not given her a reason to distrust him.  Things are fine until time catches up to them, well more so Trisha, because now they are almost seven months in and she wants to know where this is going for them.  When asked, Greg says “he’s good” and  enjoys the time they spend together.  For Trisha this means, Greg needs more time before getting into a relationship, so she needs to be patient.  Trisha, on the other hand, does not tell Greg she is into him, enjoys the time they spend together, and wants a relationship with him; instead she goes with the flow.  By month eight there have been a few changes to their situationship because Trisha believes Greg is dating someone else.  Although he is still consistent with Trisha, she knows he sometimes spends time with another woman.  But she can’t be upset or confront Greg about this other woman because technically they are not in a relationship right??  They are simply in a situationship.  Here is where Trisha being upfront about what she wants is vital.  Just as Trisha needed to hear Greg’s thoughts about the future of their situationship, Greg too needed to hear what Trisha desired for their future.  It would have then become clear to Greg that Trisha did not want to continue with the situationship and rather wants a relationship.  This does not mean Trisha would get the feedback she wants, but at least both parties are clear on what each other desires.

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Trisha is guilty of doing what so many women do in dating; go with the flow.  I have a few theories of why women make this mistake.  One of my theories is actually fact because when I did it (back in my dating days), it was because I told the man what I thought he wanted to hear; NOTHING (lol).  I thought keeping my mouth shut was a good thing and I did not want to be that woman who nagged about being in a relationship.  A huge Dating Don’t!  My other theory is that some women are fearful of the response they will get back from the men.  It is the fear of the unknown; what if he shuts the whole situationship down and then there is NO chance of a relationship.  Another huge Dating Don’t!  Fear is the common denominator for these two theories mentioned and it is most likely the reason for the many other theories that exist.  Ladies it is time to take back our power!!  Why are we leaving the development of relationships up to men??  Listen to what your “man” is saying; if he’s saying give him time, then give him time; if you want to!  If he says he is not interested in a relationship and you are, then leave his butt alone!  If he says he’s not sure of what he wants for the future right now, then give yourself a timeframe of when you need to move on and if necessary, MOVE ON!  Whatever the situation, there is a solution; a solution that you can control based on what you want.  Believe me, these men are going to tell you exactly what they want and they’re not going to change simply because you keep quiet and decided to go with the flow.  Ladies be honest with men and most importantly, be honest with yourself!!  A huge Dating Do!

I’s Married Now!!!


August 2015 my life changed and the journey of married-life began.  I transitioned from Ms. to Mrs. in what seemed like 30 minutes (at least the ceremony part), but it definitely is a long-term change.  It has been three months since I married the love of my life and the question I am often asked now is, “How’s married life?”  What a question!!  I never really know how to answer that question.  I don’t mind the question at all, but sometimes the response I get after my answer is sometimes annoying.  If I say married-life is great, I may get the response “well you’re still in the honeymoon phase.”  I sometimes try to beat them to the punch and say married life is work but worth it, and I’ll get the response of “It is only the beginning; it is A LOT of work, sacrifice…,” blah blah blah.  So because of the feedback which has mostly been negative or alarming, unfortunately, I just say it’s great and move on.  Sometimes the responses are meant to be funny or typical 96d789f342e3bca5c138679ad5ec5772.600xmarriage banter which I too am guilty of, but then there are those who should not inflict their marital experience on me and mine (damnit! LoL). I am not one to shy away from relationship or marital advice, so that is not the issue at all.  However, I do not particularly like it when people are negative rather than constructive; if they have to give any feedback at all.  But I digress and I take it with a grain of salt.  I understand where the question stems from because I too have been guilty of asking questions or saying cliché statements in response to life events.  For example, I’ve asked couples when baby #1 or #2 are coming, which I since learned is a no-no and that is another conversation in itself, but for me it was just something to say.  However, let’s discuss it; is married-life really different from the committed relationship life?

Absolutely there is a difference, which prior to marriage I didn’t think there would be.  I always valued marriage and knew I wanted that to be the next step for me with the right person.  However, after being with someone for years, I thought marriage would be the same in regards to the transition.  However, marriage is like being a part of an organization, a prestigious organization.  It is an organization where different rules apply, it’s a title of the highest order, and more importantly an oath that was taken before God is to be upheld.  My husband and I were together 3 years before taking our vows and I thought it would be the same as we transitioned into married life, but it does feel different.  For me personally I had to make a few changes after getting married.  The first being changing my name.  I took my husband’s name and I will admit it was quite emotional.  For 31 years I was a ‘Middleton’ and now I took on a new name; a new identity of sorts.  I had to change my license, bank accounts, and get used to saying my new name.  Don’t get me wrong, I say my new name with pride and excitement, but the process of the name change was just that, a process.  In addition to a new name, my priorities changed because the rules of sorts have changed.

I take the vows I took before God very seriously, so yes my priorities have changed.  My relationship was a priority  previous to marriage, but marriage changes the dynamics.  I am now a WIFE!  That is a big deal and I am proud to have this title.  Maybe that should be my answer the next time someone asks me “How’s married life?”  I will respond, I AM A WIFE!! Lol!  I love being a part of the married “organization” and of course there is work involved, but what in life does not require work?  If you want success, you have to work for it.  Therefore, if you want a successful marriage, you have to work for it.  So how’s married life?  In a nutshell married-life is an honor, a lot of work, and a great “organization” to be a part of…with the right person of course!

Whether you are newly married or have been married for quite a while, please share your experiences and advice.  I’d love to hear from you!  Leave a comment below or email me at thedating3ds@gmail.com.  Guest writers are also welcome!

From Taboo to “I Do”


It’s been almost 6 months since my last post, and I have so much to share.  My last post was about chivalry and how women contribute to its decline.  Well that post and many others referenced personal experiences and dating/relationship lessons learned.  Well just as I’ve shared my dating and relationship experiences in the past, I want to share with you now that I recently got ENGAGED!!!  I couldn’t be more happy to embark on this new journey in my life.  I remember when I first wrote about meeting my fiance (Single Men Without Baggage…They Do Exist!!!) and as much as I can say I knew something was different about him, the encounter was all in God’s plan.  So allow me to tell you about our love story since in the aforementioned post I only briefly discuss our meeting at the end of the post.  If you are not familiar with my dating experiences and advice, there is always a message or lesson to take away.  So here goes…

May 12, 2012 was a Saturday night, and after an eventful Friday night out with the girls, I was not in the mood to hang out again.  My friend Jasmine called ready to meet up with friends to hang out and after a little coercion, I decided to go.  The place was called Taboo 2 and the music was good, but the environment fell short.  No literally every man in the place seemed shorter than me (no offense but tall men are my preference) and a lot of them wanted to talk to me and my friend.  We had fun though, danced, drank, and chilled.  In the moment of a drink re-up and while a guy was talking my ear off, there he was.  He was a friend of the guy talking my ear off and he interjected a couple of times to hurry his friend along.  Little did he know, he was saving me, but what caught my attention more than anything was his smile.  During his interjections he made small talk and smiled here and there.  I’ll admit the smile got me and after his friend finally got out of my ear, I felt compelled to speak to him.  Now I never approach men so I can’t begin to tell you what came over me in that moment, but I calmly approached him and said “I really want to talk to you.”  Because his friend just tried to talk to me, it felt a little awkward, but I didn’t care.  He of course did not want to step on his friend’s toes, so a little while after he found me, said his PhotoGrid_1410757026623name was Cee and slid me his number to give him a call.

I called Cee the next day and we talked for hours.  It was the most refreshing conversation!!! Of course we got to know each other and went through the typical first encounter questions, where are you from; what do you do; how many siblings do you have; etc.  Aside from that the conversation was so much more and that was very important to me.  From that first conversation, the rest is history.  We connected on a deeper level and the next thing you know we were in a relationship, then living together, and introducing each other to family members.  It all happened so fast, but it felt so right.  A cousin of mine feared we were moving too fast and I would get hurt and I distinctly remember telling her I am so confident in my feelings that I’m okay if it doesn’t work out and I fall flat on my face!  I wasn’t naive, but I had faith because he brought something different to the table.  We strengthened each other in many ways.  In the early stages of our relationship Cee suffered the loss of his mother which I discussed in the post “Strength of a Woman…Breast Cancer Awareness.”  It was a very trying time to see the man I love suffer in such a way and no matter how I tried, I could not make the pain go away.  It was difficult and took time and healing, but the experience brought us closer and confirmed that we can get through the tough times.

In two years we had experienced the good, the great, the bad, and the ugly of a relationship.  Some of the experiences did not have to do with us as a couple, rather it was life lessons, individual growth, and healing.  I always knew Cee was the one, so as surprised as I was when he proposed on August 9, 2014, I was confident to say “YES!”  It was the most precious moment in my life thus far as he proposed to me in front of over 150 of my family members at my family reunion.  Family is so important to me and it was beautiful he made the moment so special for me.  I am truly happy and I cannot wait to become his Mrs.!!!  So my love story may be a bit taboo to some because I approached him and I called him first.  I went against the grain and played by MY rule book.  It is okay to follow your gut sometimes, but be realistic and prepare yourself if the outcome is not what you expected.  I can’t begin to explain to you how confident I felt that night and the days after we met, but it was a great feeling.  Now my cousin laughs and we reminisce about the conversations we had when I first told her about Cee and our budding relationship.  Sometimes you just know…and I knew it!!  

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(Don’t laugh at my ugly cry 🙂 )

Single Men Without Baggage…They Do Exist!!!


Helloooooooo world!!! It’s been too long since I last wrote a post, but I’m baaaaaack! Quite a few things have occurred since I wrote last. I won’t bore you with all the details, but I’d like to share one of my experiences with you. Most of my readers should know by now that I often date men with “baggage.” “Baggage” means formerly married with child(ren). I also dated men who were at least 8-10 years older than me. I attributed my experience with dating baggaged men (yeah I created a new term)and age to a subconscious attraction. However, in my last experience with a baggaged man, I realized it is not a subconscious attraction; rather an “I’ll deal with it” situation. Allow me to explain…

A few months ago I dated a guy, I’ll call him Bryson, whom I was friends with for about six months prior to our courtship. I was attracted to his conversation, humor, and spontaneity. We always had a good time together and that was a plus since my last relationship lacked a lot of laughter and was very predictable. Bryson was a great guy and kept me smiling. The “but” is that he was divorced, had 2 boys, and was going through a transition period. The transition period is a time when a man/woman with or without baggage is going through a period of getting back on their feet. (Read ). I always had a daunting feeling while dating Bryson. Do I really want a baggaged man, especially one in a transition period? Needless to say my mother was less than happy about Bryson’s circumstances and past, which weighed on my heart. Aside from my mother’s thoughts I knew it wasn’t what I wanted, and after attending my brother’s wedding in March, my concerns strengthened. See my brother was the type who was adamant about dating a woman without baggage. He always said he wanted to be with a woman who he was her first in the most important moments of life; marriage and children. His wedding helped me realize I want that too. I want to be my man’s first and only wife, and his first and only mother of his child(ren). With these feelings on my heart I had to let that relationship go and put my energy towards what I truly want.

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Dating Experiment Update 12/1


I received a lot of feedback in regards to my Dating Experiment. People want to know if I met someone younger or around my 28 age range. Well I have an update for everyone who has inquired.

I like older men!!! I am who I am, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I am not opposed to dating someone my age, however I realized that I am naturally attracted to men who are about 9-10 years older than me. It’s not on purpose, but it is what it is. I’ve accepted it, and that is that! But of course if I meet a man in my age range I will keep you posted. For now however, bring on the AARP men!!! LOL!! (Just joking about AARP ;)) 

(For the record, I don’t like them that old LoL!)

The Gold Tooth: Dating Experiment Update


This past Sunday (August 28) was my birthday. Happy Birthday to Me!! My friend, who also has a birthday on the 28th, invited me to her birthday celebration at a club here in Atlanta. I prefer lounges over clubs, but I decided to go and have a good time. Since I’m participating in the Dating Experiment, I went to the club with the intent to pay close attention to ‘young’ men. I’ve been told I’m naturally attracted to older men, so I wanted to be mindful of the type of men I was attracted to. I was sort of testing myself and making an effort to try something new.

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The Dating Experiment


“All life is an experiment. The more experiments you make the better.” (Ralph Waldo Emerson)

The above quote couldn’t be more true, which is why I am participating in the Dating experiment. The Dating experiment was suggested by Duece Duece after his ‘concern’ with the men I attract. I tend to only attract men who are at least ten years older than me. Since I was 17 (yes 17), I’ve dated men who were at least five to ten years older than me. That’s not to say I didn’t go on at least one or two dates with a man my age, but the majority of men I’ve seriously dated or were in relationships with, were older. In the past year, it seems like I haven’t even met a man my age or close to it. The men I’ve dated, which hasn’t been that many :-/, have been in the 35-38 year old range. Duece Duece could not believe I only attract ‘older’ men, so he concluded there must be an aura I give off to attract these men in particular. I wondered, is he right? Do I appear more mature, do I give off a ‘wise’ look, or is it me; maybe I only give attention to ‘older’ men. My girlfriends tease me because when we go out I often notice the man who looks ‘mature’. So maybe it is me! Duece Duece further brought this to my attention as he rode in my car one day. Chubb Rock’s “Treat ‘Em Right” blasted from the speakers, along with a number of songs from the 90’s. It’s not that Duece Duece doesn’t appreciate old school songs, it’s that he knows I’m an old soul, so he suggested that may be the reason I attract ‘older’ men. Initially I wasn’t sure he was right, but as I thought about the music I listen to and the shows I watch, I couldn’t help but wonder.

My Music List (an example)
Chubb Rock (of course)
Envogue
Brownstone (“If You Love Me” is my song!!)
Luther Vandross
Alicia Meyers
Michael Jackson
Teena Marie

My TV Show List (an example)
Golden Girls
Will & Grace
Seinfeld (I confess I’m a Seinfeld geek)
Martin
Forensic Files
Dateline ID
Matlock (I love me some Matlock)

I’m not that bad right?? Don’t get me wrong I listen to current music, but above all I love, love, love old school music! As far as television, I watch whatever makes me laugh or catches my interest. I watch current programs like Family Guy, Law & Order SVU, and Judge Judy among others. Am I old school and is that why I attract ‘older’ men’? I hope the Dating experiment helps me figure it out.

The dating experiment, again credit to Duece Duece, is a test to see if what I listen to and watch somehow contributes to the aura I give off to men. The experiment will consist of six months of listening to and watching ‘young’ and current media. Instead of listening to Chubb Rock, I’ll listen to Waka Flaka? (whoa!) Instead of Golden Girls, I’ll watch the Jersey Shore? (confession: I watch that garbage now lol) What is ‘young’ and current?? I’m sure I’ll figure it out…hopefully. Duece Duece proposed this experiment to me a while ago, but I wasn’t ready. I’m ready now…I think. I will update the blog with my progress. The ultimate test will be if I actually meet or date men who are in the 27-30 year old age range. I’m not sure if I believe in this experiment, but I think it’ll be fun and interesting. I figure why not have fun with it…it’s just a social experiment right? So tonight, I will chill out, watch my Golden Girls, Matlock, In Living Color (watching that now), etc. Before I go to bed, it’s on! I’m bringing out all the oldies! From Luther Vandross, Rene & Angela, and Teena Marie to D’Angelo, SWV, Dru Hill, and Mary J. Blige (“My Life” Mary though), just to name a few. So excited for tonight, but tomorrow it will be a different story. I could use some suggestions of what to listen that is current and hip (yes I said hip, lol).

I’ll keep you posted on my search for a youngin’! Haha! Wish me luck! 🙂

This song seems fitting…