Fear is the worst way to live life in general, but it is especially detrimental in dating. Dating with fear is the best way to hinder yourself from meeting new people, experiencing new things, and finding the one! Recently I helped a friend overcome one of her dating fears, and in the process I thought about some of my own dating fears. Here are a few:
- Fear there is always someone better: Sometimes during the early dating stage when things are going well, I really like the guy, and there appears to be potential, in the back of my mind I am thinking “What if there is someone better for me?” The thought may linger in the back of my mind at no fault of the guy. He may be putting in work, attentive, funny, good-looking, etc., etc., but somehow I find myself wondering “What if?” It’s not that he’s not good enough, it’s just the fear of the unknown…
- Fear that I am settling. By now you should know that I am an advocate for not settling in life and love, but I am actually afraid of settling. I make such an effort not to settle, that I limit myself from stepping out of my comfort zone. Does that make sense? I’m trying to say that I over-analyze who I am dating, his actions, his shortcomings, his goals, his everything. It is important not to settle…to a certain extent. I am learning the difference between compromise and settling, and it’s a hard lesson.
- Fear that I might meet the right one, at the wrong time. I recently connected with someone who lives over 700 miles away from me in Atlanta, GA. I guess you can say it was a result of internet dating with a twist. We met through close mutual friends, made a connection via the internet, and then it progressed to daily phone calls. Our personalities clicked, we were in sync, and I thought maybe… Then reality set in and I thought about (maybe even over-analyzed) the fact that he lives so far away. Although I thought I may be ready to take a risk and make some moves, it just wasn’t the right time for me. Not only did I fear the timing wasn’t right, but again I feared “What if there’s someone better for me?”
In the blog post “Your Peace Is Linked To The Way You Think” by Zakiya Mellanin, she states “Fear is rooted in self-preservation and when you live your life based in fear you will live your life defensively.” Wooooo her words couldn’t be more true! Dating fears lead to dating defensively, and I am sooo guilty of that. The good thing is I own that I am a fearful dater. Yes I date in fear. Damn that felt good! The hardest part is breaking the habit, but the biggest step is acknowledging the problem. The guy that lives so far away contributed in the acknowledgment of my dating fears, and I thank him for that. We all have to get this fantasy out of our minds of what our love lives are supposed to be, and just enjoy the ride. I preached about this in the post “Taking Risks In Dating…,” but I am an example that change takes work. I’m working on my dating fears… one date at a time.