Dating Fears = Dating Don’t!


Fear is the worst way to live life in general, but it is especially detrimental in dating. Dating with fear is the best way to hinder yourself from meeting new people, experiencing new things, and finding the one! Recently I helped a friend overcome one of her dating fears, and in the process I thought about some of my own dating fears. Here are a few:

  • Fear there is always someone better: Sometimes during the early dating stage when things are going well, I really like the guy, and there appears to be potential, in the back of my mind I am thinking “What if there is someone better for me?” The thought may linger in the back of my mind at no fault of the guy. He may be putting in work, attentive, funny, good-looking, etc., etc., but somehow I find myself wondering “What if?” It’s not that he’s not good enough, it’s just the fear of the unknown…
  • Fear that I am settling. By now you should know that I am an advocate for not settling in life and love, but I am actually afraid of settling. I make such an effort not to settle, that I limit myself from stepping out of my comfort zone. Does that make sense? I’m trying to say that I over-analyze who I am dating, his actions, his shortcomings, his goals, his everything. It is important not to settle…to a certain extent. I am learning the difference between compromise and settling, and it’s a hard lesson.
  • Fear that I might meet the right one, at the wrong time. I recently connected with someone who lives over 700 miles away from me in Atlanta, GA. I guess you can say it was a result of internet dating with a twist. We met through close mutual friends, made a connection via the internet, and then it progressed to daily phone calls. Our personalities clicked, we were in sync, and I thought maybe… Then reality set in and I thought about (maybe even over-analyzed) the fact that he lives so far away. Although I thought I may be ready to take a risk and make some moves, it just wasn’t the right time for me. Not only did I fear the timing wasn’t right, but again I feared “What if there’s someone better for me?” 

In the blog post “Your Peace Is Linked To The Way You Think” by Zakiya Mellanin, she states “Fear is rooted in self-preservation and when you live your life based in fear you will live your life defensively.” Wooooo her words couldn’t be more true! Dating fears lead to dating defensively, and I am sooo guilty of that. The good thing is I own that I am a fearful dater. Yes I date in fear. Damn that felt good! The hardest part is breaking the habit, but the biggest step is acknowledging the problem. The guy that lives so far away contributed in the acknowledgment of my dating fears, and I thank him for that. We all have to get this fantasy out of our minds of what our love lives are supposed to be, and just enjoy the ride. I preached about this in the post “Taking Risks In Dating…,” but I am an example that change takes work. I’m working on my dating fears… one date at a time.

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8 comments

  1. Well, I can honestly say that I am “fearful dater” and I am always thinking “what else could be out there for me” not knowing that I could have someone special right in front of me the whole time. I have been talking to this guy for almost 8 months and yeah you can say we do everything like a gf/bf relationship but not title, and I am cool with that, that is my safe zone, but the fear of having a title to me changes things. Maybe because I have committed myself before too bullish before and from the bullish comes super thick skin and I refuse to do it again. To me, fearful dating can hold you back from a lot of things, even discovering that you are a fearful dater. I refuse to settle and I want the best and what’s best for me, which all people do but there is going to be some form of mishap that will have you thinking, “omg I don’t want to date someone who….” But in all I really agree with your blog and I believe that everyone in the world is a fearful dater they just don’t know it 

    1. Thanks so much for sharing your dating fears. I completely understand where you’re coming from. The fact that you acknowledged your dating fears just means you’re making moves for your future. It sounds like you have a great relationship in the making, so keep pushing forward and commit already 😉

  2. When fear sits in you it can bring a change at a time when someone has opened there heart to love, faith, potential and your fear can have a domino effect and hurt someone when fear brings change. Be careful with your fears and how they may effect others.

    1. You’re absolutely right, which is why the “change” is so tricky. My first thought is to hold back my feelings to avoid hurting others, but that’s not good either. I guess the best thing is to be completely honest about my dating fears from the beginning to avoid feelings being hurt if I’m not ready. Dating fears can absolutely bring hurt to the other person, especially if they’re not aware of your concerns.

  3. “Your Taking Risks in Dating post” I told myself I would not create resolutions this year, especially dating resolutions, so I’m calling this a goal for 2012. One of my goals for 2012 is to go out and get it! When I meet someone I enjoy and like, I am not going to deny it to myself nor him (get your mind out the gutter lol). As with everything in life, we of course have to be smart, but I am tired of holding myself back from love. Sometimes I put up walls or use defense mechanisms to avoid sharing how I really feel. I am tired of doing that! I am tired of thinking so much, rather than doing. I am inviting love into my life, and if I get rejected, then I will pick myself back up like I have done many times before. I cannot live life with fear, and I hope you all don’t either. Living with fear creates a boring and unexciting routine, but taking risks creates opportunities and change. I am all about practicing what I preach, so I’d like to share with you some of the risks or goals I have achieved thus far.

    I’m single and I mingle…alone: I am so proud of myself for doing things on my own, and not allowing the availibility of my girls stop me, from doing ME!

    I’m single, but not for long (I am claiming it! LoL): I am taking a risk on love, and I am putting my heart on the table with someone who has shown me nothing but time and attention. This may be THE best risk I’ve taken! Only time will tell… 😉 “What does time tell now?”

    1. My thoughts exactly, which is why I referred to it in this weeks post. Time tells me over and over again that change will happen when I’m ready. When I wrote “Taking Risks in Dating” I was in a place where I wanted to so badly open up and just go for it. Then slowly my fears and over-analytical thoughts crept in, and the “go for it” spirit diminished. The situation I referred to in this post was different in that we live miles apart, and I don’t do long distance relationships. I am also not in a position to pick up my life and move.
      One thing I’ve learned about myself is, I have to do things on my own time. Time now tells me that change doesn’t happen overnight, and to take things slow the next time I have that “go for it” spirit. I’m taking it one date at a time…

      Thanks for the comment! 😉

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