Dating Someone With Baggage

Yesterday I had an interesting conversation with a friend about dating a man with baggage. What is baggage? Baggage can be children, unemployment, an ex-wife or an ex-husband. My friend is strongly interested in this guy, but he has all forms of baggage. He has 3 children with an ex-wife (well they are separated), and while he is employed, he struggles to live independently and pay the agreed support for his 3 children. My friend, who has 0 baggage, questioned whether or not she can handle his baggage. In the past I dated a man with baggage, so when she asked for my opinion, I referred back to my experience.

I dated a man with a different baggage than my friend’s guy. My boyfriend at the time had 5 kids (count ‘em 1,2,3,4,5), 3 baby mothers, and his income was barely enough to support himself. Keep in mind this relationship was YEARS ago. I have grown immensely in whom I date, and limitations on the baggage count. Anyway, at the time it was A LOT of baggage to deal with, especially since I was so young. I liked my boyfriend; however I had reservations about the relationship. I have 0 children, and at the time I was pursuing my Bachelor’s degree. I was in a position of personal and professional growth. Some might ask (and some did ask) “Why are you with him?” It was a question I did not know the answer to, except to say the same thing women on Maury say, “But I love him.” Well the “love” eventually faded. I had to be honest with myself and consider what I wanted for my life. Clearly my boyfriend lived his life, but my adult life was just beginning. I wanted children of my own; he already had 5. I wanted to be in a relationship without outside interference; he had 3 baby mothers. I wanted to have a career and grow professionally; he was still growing professionally too, however he had 5 kids to support (that’s a lot of MOOLAH!) Love, or what I thought was love, was a great feeling at that moment, but it was too much baggage.

My father, who I consider a wise man, gave advice that stuck with me. He advised that if I married a man with kids, eventually I would be supporting the kids financially and emotionally. My father asked me whether or not my boyfriend was doing everything possible to increase his minimal income? Was he doing everything possible to support his 5 children and himself? He wanted me to understand that my boyfriend’s baggage would eventually become my baggage. Needless to say I had quite a bit to think about after the conversation with my father. I decided the situation was not beneficial for me and my goals. I couldn’t be happier with my decision. I don’t have regrets about any of my dating experiences because they’ve helped me grow and realize what I want in a mate. That experience helped me think about how much baggage I am willing to handle. I am not willing to deal with multiple kids (1 is fine), multiple baby mothers (1 is fine), and someone who is not ambitious and pushing themself to the max (this is non-negotiable). So to my friend I say, it is true that you don’t know when love will hit you, but you also have to be realistic and consider everything! I do not judge people who are in situations like mine or my friend’s, however if it bothers you then take a moment to think about what you really want. Do you want to avoid the drama and travel with a carry-on, or is it worth paying the baggage fees? #thinkaboutit

*What do men think about dating a woman with baggage? Is baggage a deal-breaker? What are your baggage limits?



  1. RUN!!!!!!! Just Kidding. I think you gave a very sound testimony and I know your father to be the best man along with my brother to gain wisdom. We all have baggage whether it is emotional, family, ex’s etc..and the truth is that when you are in a relationship that baggage becomes your baggage as you stated. I actually have a friend who married a man with 5 children and 5 babies mothers but he is in oil and financially paid and takes good care of the children financially. the problem was he did not do well with them emotionally because he was always out on a boat or something like that. My friend married him but she actually took the responsibility of taking care of the other children emotionally and took the kids even when her husband was not in town because she knew the mothers deserved a break. She is very rear but she embraced it all and was an attorney so when the momma’s acted crazy she was the law…lol.

    At my age it is hard to even meet men without baggage that includes, children and ex-wives but I was recently faced with a decision and opted to get out because it was just not the baggage I felt I was interested in dealing with. Peace of mind is very important to me so baggage depending on what it is is not an option. If he can not afford the children and his responsibilities I would look at if he is in school, or trying to work on a few things to help him be financial stable to take care of himself. When I add up the cost of a man I look at where I am and where he is and if he is not even where I am as a person who is sacrificing to do somethings for myself but at least maintaining a very basic living then I can do bad all by myself. Great post and again great advice. Your Dad is a keeper and I love that he did not tell you to get out. Grateful you had a great ear to get advice from because the man lasted as long as he did cause I had the wrong voice in mine aka my dad…lol

  2. Hi Rasia,

    The mere mention of the term ‘baggage’ seems to elicit such an extremely emotional (and unwarranted) reaction that I avoid this word entirely. The concepts behind the term are crucially important & the understanding that a Level Playing Field is a MUST should be discussed Early-on.

    At issue here are the promises & level of committment that each of the parties is CAPABLE of making!

    Personally, there is only ONE type & ONE level of committment that I would even consider offering-up to the Next “Love of My Life” companion, and it goes something like this : YOU are the first priority in my life & you have my UN-divided attention. Your needs & well-being WILL come first in my life, well BEFORE any job, and certainly BEFORE the wishes of any other human being.

    And… when I get around to saying those words, I AM going to MEAN THEM!

    I think it should go without saying that I would NEVER utter these words to anyone who was not willing to offer the SAME in return. Quid Pro Quo.

    Your Father’s advice is fully accurate & well taken. Any parents’ first duty in life is to their children, as it should be. This is also why I’ll NEVER date anyone who has kids.


    1. So u mean ppl who’s having kids they don’t deserve to be loved?u must understand while were living there’s lot of challenges we a face.jst take as its happen to u u will b happy?

    2. Hello,

      I recently broke up with someone I have known most of my adult life, and has quite the laundry list of baggage including a child from a previous marriage where he was abusive, as well as handling the burden of some of the, honestly, trashy decisions she made in the past and talked about like it was no big deal at times.

      I guess what I’m saying is I’m with you. She needs to be there for her kid and to work on herself, first and foremost. Our jagged edges wouldn’t line up as much as I would like them to have joined together. Different places in life altogether.

      While I’m glad I made the decision, I can’t help but constantly miss her and feel like an idiot at times for feeling like I blew this out of proportion and left her in the dust, miserable and lonely. What would you suggest I try and focus on about the factors of the relationship that didn’t work in order to overcome such a heartbreak? I lost my best friend, lover, and life partner.

      They say time is your best friend, and I really hope that’s true.

      Have a good one,


      1. Sorry to hear for your great loss. Just as you thought your ex needed to focus on herself, perhaps this would be a great time to do the same for yourself. Acceptance is really the only to deal with something, therefore no longer making it a problem. On one hand you can accept the baggage and have the best thing that has ever happened to you -or- accept you are done and move on. If you want the next relationship to work, don’t complain about your own mental baggage from the past. Best of luck!

      2. Comparing your relationship to jagged edges is really a sign that your coupledom needed to end.
        At my age everyone comes with baggage, hopefully we’re talking about a little pocket book, not an overnight sleeper. But seriously If she had been the fit you were looking for it would’ve
        worked out, and it didn’t.So don’t cast a spell, or pray to get her back. It’s OVER!!!!!!

    3. Hi Brad,
      A question about your last comment, “why you will never date anyone with kids”, well, what happens if you say the above to your lover and then you have children? Is it then ok for you both or one of you to put your child/ren first as you say that is a parents first duty?
      Little confused about that.

  3. Your article (and your Dad’s sound advice) has made me feel much better about my own situation. I was dating a man who was separated with 6 children. I don’t have any children and was always a career girl until fairly recently. I thought I could handle the situation until I ended up having panic attacks! To cut a long story short I walked away and have become ultra picky about who I will and won’t date. I know everyone’s situation is different but you have to do what will make you happy and have the courage to walk away from a situation that you know is wrong.


    1. Hi Ally!! Sorry it took so long for a reply. Thanks so much for your comment! You are absolutely right, you have to do what will make you happy. That is so important! I’m glad you’re finding your happiness without all the baggage. 🙂

  4. Oh it certainly depends on the baggage and where you are at the time I think. I dated a guy with a kid when I was 22. In the end it turned out things didn’t work out but even though I was young him having a child didn’t bother me. Just recently, aged 25, I dated a guy who was going through a messy divorce and custody battle and that was too much baggage. I was in a happy, grounded place knowing where I was going and what I want from life. He was a mess, and I didn’t want to take on his problems and issues, he was relying on me totally to pick him up and help him through right from the very beginning and it was too much to take on. Now I’m in a pretty picky place and nobody I have met for the last 6 months has ticked enough boxes for me to make the move from dating to relationship.

    1. Hey Lalli! I totally agree with you! I do believe it depends on your place in life, and also your growth in life. The older we get, the more we realize what we are willing or not willing to accept in dating. I used to be called picky, but I see nothing wrong with being picky. Some people are picky about what type of car or house they’ll buy, but when it comes to dating they’ll deal with whomever gives them the least bit of attention. Those who aren’t picky often end up unhappy. Thanks so much for your comment Lalli! I’m sure you’ll find someone who’ll tick most of your boxes. 🙂

  5. Your nasty comments are so typical for a black woman. Of course there is always the self proclamation of being “better” then others because you have conformed yourself to the pursuit of superficial material items. Such as the infamous ‘degree’ and of course the car and other non entities. You speak lowly of a man who obviously was having a difficult time. In this Great depression it is not easy for men. Especially if it is a black man. But you are so quick to condemn him for “not being up to your level”. So arrogant, elitist and hateful. So, so typical of your type. Perhaps you weren’t good enough for him? As a typical sell out, materialistic American woman. he may have seen you as not being worthy as a result of your inability to actualize real life. You feel so above men that you do not think of the fact that perhaps it is you and your (legendary black female) attitude of hate that may have turned him off. Absolutely worthless. I hope that you are happy with your degree. When markets crash lets see how valuable it is. Lets see how many men step up to provide for you when survival of the fittest becomes the norm. So worthless you are. But pretty typical.

    1. Hi Sulu!!! Thanks so much for your comment! I have found a man who is a provider, and who loves my “typical” black woman traits. I may be pretty typical to you, but your words are pretty typical of a scorned woman/man (not sure). I may be worthless, but I live and breath happiness every day. I hope you find the same happiness. Again, thanks for your comment and continue to read!!! 🙂

      1. Dont pay that clown any attention,im a black man that got on top of my game..that dude is just bitter because he probably got he is Broke,ugly and dumb….lol

      2. I love this reply. Made my day to see a strong, smart woman laughing at someone trying to provoke her and break her down. Bravo.

      3. Totally understand your feelings in the article. You are not wrong. We all have a right to what kind of life and partner we ever wanted. Plus if we can already forsee problems it will be stupid to jump from the pot into the fire. Some people will never understand this unless they experience it. Though people say Money cannot buy Love, they already so been to remember that in this expensive world Love cannot pay Bills either. Money issues can destroy a marriage equally as bad as some other problems. I once read that we marry to be happy and not just to take on the burden of the other person and become upset ourselves.

    2. You said it perfectly. My bf has two little boys and I believe he is a great father. I am still getting to know him because we’ve only been together for 8 months but in these 8 months I’ve seen him for at least a week every month. He is financially stable and hard working. Hilarious. Romantic. He puts in a lot of effort into our relatiinsho. It was new to me at the begining of our relationship, the fact that he had boys, but that is nothing compared to all the good qualities he has. In fact, it makes him even sexier. Being judgmental is closed minded and immature. I believe children are a blessing no matter what and sometimes people just grow apart because they got together when they were very young and immature, or for other reasons. People can be so disappointing.

  6. Stay away from baggage as long as you can. If there are children the ex will always be in the picture or always get alimony. Eventually, you will pay beyond your fair part to compensate. Relationships are difficult without other issues.

  7. I am in a relationship (my first) with a man who is twenty years older than I am and has four children with three different mothers , one of whom was his wife. He has lied and cheated on me from the inception of the relationship yet I feel the need to stick it out . Everytime that I think things will be better, I am reminded of his baggage through the outside interference of his children’s mothers which he prioritises. I do not want to interfere with his relationship with his children but I am not sure how much longer I can be in a relationship that consists of this type of baggage as it would be so great to be with someone who doesn’t have these other priorities . I would definitely recommend to anyone out there to NEVER , EVER get involved with a man with children from a previous relationship (s). You wont have your own life with him – at least that has been my experience.

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  10. hi. i am also in the same relationship. although when i started dating by boyfriend, it wasn’t that bad. but after a couple of weeks, his business have gone bad, his child’s mother wouldn’t give the child back to him and the mom and the child is in the US, we’re here in Asia,there’s a lawsuit against him and his business partners are betraying him and now his living paycheck to paycheck. ever since all of these problems appeared, we don’t talk a lot and see each other a lot anymore. because we’re long distance and he has to save money. i asked him if we should be breaking up, he said he doesn’t want to make decisions for now and he doesn’t want to drag me down to the mud with him while his life is getting crazy. what should i do? i told him i will wait for him to pull his life back together and we agreed to talk everyday on the phone or skype, but it didn’t happen. should i still wait or let go? btw, the last time he texted me, he told me he’ll come visit me and want to spend a couple of days with me before he leaves to the US

    1. Hi Pinky!

      It appears that your boyfriend has a lot going on in his life right now, and for the sake of your relationship, it may be best to give him space to get things in order. It is not fair to you that he cannot devote the necessary time for you, and make you a priority at the moment. I can only imagine that you will begin to feel stress from his lack of attention, and thus he will feel stress from you. Things can get sticky. Having baggage is fine, but to be involved with someone while they are going through their baggage is a hard task; especially long distance. I would also suggest that you take a good look at your relationship to see if it is really what you think it is, what you thought it would be, and what you really want. Thanks for commenting!

  11. I just broke off a 15 month relationship with a guy who has 3 children from 2 prior marriages. Lots of baggage…Long story short…. It was only 2 weeks ago when I asked myself if I wanted to get to know his kids and deal with his controlling ex wife. Since this lifestyle(ex and kids) don’t jive with my lifestyle, it was a very clear decision…. the answer is “No Way”. I don’t even care to know his kids(since he hid them from me for 15 months because of his Ex). Instead of blaming him for all his baggage, all I have to do now is remind myself that his baggage does not suit my lifestyle at all. I told him I had a great time and walked away. It hurts so bad but I care for myself more…

    1. I commend you Mary! Sometimes letting go is the hardest thing to do, but we know in our hearts what is best. Dating someone with baggage is definitely not for everyone, especially when there is an overbearing ex involved. And it seems that your ex has some issues to deal with before he is able to have a successful relationship since he hid the kids from you like you said. I agree with you that blaming him is unnecessary, and instead use the experience as a lesson learned. You’ll be just fine! Thanks so much for sharing!

  12. And take your time getting to know the man. Because if he doesn’t treat you right and with the respect you deserve, his children will learn to treat you the same way.

  13. not sure if this post is still going? but i have recently ended a 9 month relationship. his kids were getting violent to their father. stealing and the x wife wouldnt let up even showing up at the beach one day and hitting him. i felt like i was being neglected which in turn made me argue with him. he ended up ending the relationship and disappeared. i feel guilty for arguing.

    1. Hi Lisa! It sounds like there are some deep issues that need to be resolved between your ex, his children, and his ex-wife. They are issues you should not have to deal with and I think the question you should ask yourself is why you feel guilty about arguing? I say take time to reflect on the relationship and whether or not it was worth the time and effort, then really assess what it is that you want in a relationship and see if all that drama is on your list. No relationship is perfect, but there are some things that have to be resolved before you get involved, and it seems like your ex and his family had some issues to resolve. Good luck Lisa and thank for your comment!!

  14. I am a single woman with an eight year old daughter and I am engaged to be married next year (2015). But, I have some concerns regarding my fiancé. He is a divorced man with a grown son, age 25. When I met him I disclosed to him that I had a child. My daughter is adopted, therefore, there is no baby father in the picture. He is a wonderful man and seems to get along with my daughter and my daughter absolutely adores him.

    My concern is that he constantly refers to my daughter as “baggage.” He grumbles all the time by saying, “Been there done that.” Meaning, he already raised a son and experienced fatherhood. He constantly tells me that I am fortunate that he “accepted” my daughter because he believes most men his age (52) would not accept a woman with a young child. My response was, “Love me love my child.” There are plenty of men who would love me with my child. Furthermore, I informed him that if a man is not interested in dealing with a woman with a child, then he would not be the “right fit” for the relationship. I also advised him (as if he did not know) that we are not indigents begging for someone to take us in.

    I am professional woman and I make a substantial living and I have been raising my daughter just fine without help from anyone. I live in a five bedroom house with lots of room for my daughter and myself. We are financially stable and we live a very comfortable lifestyle. It’s not like he will be taking on a financial burden when we get married. As a matter of fact, with our combined income we will have more money.

    Recently I was doing homework with my daughter and he said, “Wow! Homework I thought I was done with this? You got baggage.” I did not address it at the time because I am so tired of having to defend myself regarding the matter. I confronted him a couple days after he made the comment but he attempted to “flip the script” on me. He said, “By no stretch of the imagination do I constantly call your daughter baggage and I absolutely resent you saying that.” I advised him that every time he makes the statement “it stings like a bee.” And saying it one time is one time too many. I also told him that he has to take ownership for constantly making the derogatory comments in reference to my daughter.

    I am seriously contemplating calling off the wedding based on his grumbling, because he obviously has some underlying issues. I’m concerned that however he is feeling now will escalate after we are married.

    What are your views, thoughts and comments in reference to my dilemma?

    1. Don’t marry this man. It will get worse and you must think of your daughter’s emotional well being. Also, is he in good shape financially? He may be looking to you to provide for him in retirement and doesn’t want to “share” with your daughter.

    2. Hi Simone! Honestly I feel like you don’t need my advice at all because I assume after you wrote your comment, you may have an idea of what to do. If not, please re-read what you wrote. The answer to your question is all there in your words. The attitude your mate shows towards you and your daughter speaks volumes. I also think it is a concern that he is not acknowledging his remarks or true feelings about the situation. Either the both of your have a real conversation about your feelings and desires for a family, or the same pattern will continue and then later you may ask yourself was it worth it. Good luck and keep your daughter’s well-being and first.

      1. I DO NOT believe you should put your daughter First before the man. Your daughter cannot compare as she can Never be in a sexual relationship with you. People who put their kids first are not ready for marriage. Honestly. You should just talk to him but put Him FIRST

      2. The day you have children is the day they become your priority. Therefore, to put a man before your children is incomprehensible, especially in the circumstances in which these comments stem from. No one is comparing the relationship of their child to that of a significant other, so I am not sure what is meant by that statement. People who put their kids first can be ready for marriage, but to a man or woman who cares for the child and from the examples provided by Simone, her mate has some serious issues with the child. But we can agree to disagree…I appreciate your comment!

  15. I’m reading everybody comments and I need some advice from people who have been in this situation. This guy I met he is 23 he seems charming, genuine, sweet and passionate about his feelings very in love with me but the only problem is he have 5 kids from 4 different babymoms but wants to attend college soon. Me I have no kids never been married, just graduated from college and now working in my profession and he wants to date but the only thing is that’s holding me back is his baggage. I don’t want to judge him because of his past but at the same time he have 4 babymoms and 5 kids and I know my parents will be very concern. Right now it’s a long distance friendship/relationship we live in the same state but like an hour and a half away. I have never been in this situation before. If he had one kid then yea I think I can handle that but 5 and never been married that’s a scary situation. What should I do???

    1. Hi A.P.! The first thing you should do is ask yourself what you want and what is important to you in a relationship. What I mean is, are children a deal-breaker for you? To truly answer this question you must understand what dating a man with kids will look like presently and in the future. Also consider this, it sounds like regardless of children, the two of you may be in different places in your life right now, so is that a concern for you? There are so many facets to your situation, but the biggest one in my opinion is that he has 5 children by 4 women; he has a lot on his plate at only 23 years old, which makes me wonder if now is the time for him to be in a relationship? Furthermore, are you prepared to be his 6th priority because he already has 5, and we haven’t even counted the mother of his children yet. A lot to think about and I wish you luck in your decision. Whatever you decide, do not lose sight of your desires in a relationship and goals in life. Thanks for your comment!

  16. I see some great feedback here…so here it goes. I am a single, professional woman in her forties…never been married and no kids. I met a great guy with a ten-year-old daughter…she is now 12. We dated for a couple of years. I really care for his daughter and she cares for me. We talked about getting engaged and he asked me sooner than I expected. I said yes and we move in together. He would like to get married right away, but I told him it will be awhile because this is a huge adjustment. Fast forward three months later and I am quickly becoming unhappy. The problem is that he is too stressed out by finances and an ex-wife who makes really bad choices and is not a good mother. There is no schedule (they have 50/50 custody, but not through a court) and she is constantly making bad choices that I suffer dealing with. I expect that his daughter is top priority, but I need to be top priority ever so often and we need a couple of days together sometimes. But he lets the ex walk all over him. The past couple of weeks have been so stressful I have had headaches and stomachaches…after he continued to cancel us spending alone time together because of his ex’s social schedule. He made a bad choice in first wife and I am paying the price…taking on a ton of responsibility and not ever being put first. I am unhappy…but in a lease for another 9 months. Do I break it off when the lease is up?

    1. Hi Pamela! I will never tell a person if they should leave their partner or not, but what I will do is help you see your situation from the outside looking in. It sounds like your mate has issues with putting his foot down with his ex-wife, which causes issues for you in your relationship. I suggest you bring all of your concerns to his attention, and I mean have a candid conversation with him; no holds barred. If he really hears you and agrees to work on things, then the next step is to have an action plan. He needs to think about it and tell you what his plan is going to be to address the issue. From there, give yourself a time frame to see if he is truly working on it. Change will not happen overnight, but you can tell when someone is genuinely working on making a change for the better. The flip side of that is if he is not willing to hear you out or does not see how his ex-wife’s inconsistencies hurt your relationship, then you have your answer. Whatever you decide, make the choices that will make you happy!! Best of luck and thanks for your comment!!

  17. I found myself reading your blog this morning. I too, like your followers is going thru the same thing. I’ve dated a guy with baggage before, the relationship lasted for a couple of years but it didn’t really work out because he was still on that “transition phase” and still wants to do things that no committed guy should do. I sticked on the relationship because i thought he would grow and mature, i took care of his baby and was so attached. It broke my heart when I finally decided that I’m better off without him and his babymama drama. Anyway, fast forward. I was single for a while and took that chance to better myself. Ive grown professionally and started traveling. I’m 25, no kids, living on my own and already planning to save money so I could get my own house soon. I wasn’t expecting to have a relationship anytime soon cause I keep on telling myself that my next should better be my last. I’m so done being used and getting hurt.

    Until I met this amazing man, he is everything I’ve dreamed of. Responsible, hardworking, affectionate and caring, except he is again, going thru that “transition phase”. He was with the mother of child for 12 years, they’ve been together since they were in highschool. They have two kids, one is 4 and the other is 8. He gave up everything for her, but she repayed it wth dishonesty and cheated on him with several men. She is very irresponsible and doesn’t even prioritize her childrens needs. She left and abandoned him and their children for another man. And this broke his heart and gave him a lot of trust issues and resentments.

    She recently just started to get back to the kids life, and he, as gentleman and chivalrous as he is, agreed on letting her have them twice a week (she’s living with another man who has children, so she cant have her own kids sleepover with her) But anyway, her childishness and foolishness stresses my man and everytime he vents on me, it makes me feel negative too. I try to be strong and to be patient, to understand him and push myself to my limits. But my experiences with my past already worn me out.

    I’ve nothing against the kid, they are angels and i adore and fell inlove with them the first time i met them. They love and care for me as much as i do to them. I’m more like a mom to them that their real mom.

    I know my man loves me. But i also know that he is going thru a lot right now. He is still full of anger and hatred towards his ex. He despised her. And that bothers me. I told him I cant wait for the day to come when he wont be affected anymore, where no matter what she does and say, it would mean nothing anymore.

    That was 12 years of his life right there.

    Im sorry for the long post, I guess I just want to vent this all out to someone who might be able to understand and help me see the good in this situation.

    I love him and Im willing to be there for him. Im just not sure if this what I should settle, I would never be his firsts. and he on the other hand would always be my first. He is amazing and is doing everything he can to make me feel wanted. And i do the same too.

    PS. we live 400miles away from each other so we only get to see each other twice a month. We have a good communication and would video chat everyday. I’m planning to move in his county by next year.

    1. Hi Alica! Yes I absolutely understand your situation and I truly thank you for sharing. I think the biggest thing you have to be honest with yourself about is, you are in a relationship with a man who has children, and therefore a past that will not be forgotten. The children are with him forever and therefore those memories and present difficult circumstances with his children’s mother are with him. You have to determine if you can handle the circumstances. Imagine if the situation was different; the mother of his children was stable, they shared joint custody, and everyone got along. Does that make the situation more manageable to deal with or are you questioning the idea that like you said, he will be your first (marriage & children), but you are not his. I recommend really getting to the root of what truly bothers you about your relationship and your boyfriend’s circumstances. Is it the fact he is dealing with these issues with his children’s mother and the negativity, or is the fact that you are even dealing with this type of relationship at this point in your life? Once you can answer the root questions to yourself, it will put everything else in perspective. No matter what you do, make you happy!! Best of luck and thanks again for your comment!! 🙂

  18. Hi, im 22. Im dating a divorced man with one kid. Wev been dating for 3 years now. He is my first love. We live in a different country, 2 hours by plane. He was married for only 5months because he had to, the ex was pregnant and he wanted to be responsible for it. He tried to work out on his marriage but his ex was totally disrespectful of him and his family, his MOM especially which is so loving and sweet with me. He barely sees his kid. He sent money for the kid’s school, food, etc every month though. He’s not so stable in his career. He makes enough money to support himself, his mum, and 2 sisters. He is very responsible.

    The kid lives with his ex wife and his ex wife is crazy. I think, she’s still not over him or she’s just jealous that my man really loves me and wants to marry me and that he is very happy now and she is miserable. I met my man 5 years after his divorce. His ex did not contact him UNTIL she found out that he has a girl in his life which is me.

    The problem here is his crazy ex is posting old videos of my man and her, my man with his kid on Youtube and also posting photos on social webs. She wants the whole world to know that he is the kids father and her husband. Shed be posting quotes saying that im the homewrecker. Like what the hell, i met my man 5 years after they divorced. These things are really gettin on my nerve!

    However, i almost gave up on my relationship so many times but he never let go. He doesnt want to let go like ever cause he’s savin up to buy a house in my country and marry me. But he did say, if u want to be with me.. u have to accept my past.

    The problem now is its hard for me to accept that if i get pregnant, i want my kid to be his first kid. I want my wedding to be his first wedding. And i really dont want my kids to share their dad. Im so confused right now.. i love him so much maybe because he is my first boyfriend/love afterall. But part of me is telling me to let go.

    Please advice.

    Lisa xx

    1. Hi Lisa! I read your comment and I can related to what you may be experiencing. My advice is that you have to determine what is important to you in your future family. You mention you do not want your children to share him and you want your wedding to be his first. Those words speak volume and I think you already know what you want in your future family. You want to be your mate’s first experience in life’s major experiences such as marriage and children. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to compromise these values for this mate, whom you will not be his first in those major life experiences. Are you okay with that? Also, entering the life of dating someone with baggage, you have to be accepting of his children and his history with their mother because he comes with a package. The question is, can you handle that??? Thanks for your comment!

  19. I am having a similar problem… I am 26 with two kids ages 7 and 5…. my kids dad lives in a different state. We have been broken up for a year…. I recently got back I’m thw dating scene. I met a guy a while ago that I like a lot… but…. He has 4 kids his ex….it’s not much the kids that bother me… it’s more so the ex…. she is thw typical problem ex….. they have broken up and gotten back together multiple times over the last 8 years and I am worried that with the way she uses the kids to mess with him that it will happen again…I feel like a hypocrite cause I went through the same stuff with my girls dad before… but I honestly don’t want to get deeper into a situation that will hurt more when something bad happens…. I have talked to him about this and he assures me him and his ex are over… but she still calls him wanting him back…. I want to give him a chance cause that’s what I would want… but then again… it just feels like to much….

  20. I just left a loving, sweet, loyal man because his life is a huge mess from his ex wife. I found out that they are only legally separated (not divorced as he claimed) and that he pays for half of the mortgage on the house where his ex, his son and her son from another marriage live. He pays for all of his son’s elite sport fees (nearly $6000) a year, as well as child support. This leaves him very little to live on – he can barely afford to buy himself food let alone new clothes or a decent car. His credit is ruined from some credit card fraud that his ex wife was involved in, and instead of pressing charges he accepted bankruptcy so that his son wouldn’t have a mother in jail. This means that any future together would mean that I would have to take care of things financially. Right now. we usually just stay home together. I find that I pay for a lot of things and have recently lent him $700 to pay some bills and buy groceries. Yesterday, I found out that his ex wife’s yearly entrance fees to the elite sport center where his son plays were not paid (the check bounced), and even though he is NOT legally responsible for paying those fees, he did anyway so that his son wouldn’t be suspended from play. I am not a materialistic person. I am a single mom who works really hard to own my own home and take care of my children. I buy my clothes at Target and could care less about name brands or fancy nights out. What forced me to leave was that measly $130 for the ex wife’s entrance fees. He pays a decent amount of child support for his son. I can even understand the high end sporting fees. Buy the mortgage and the bankruptcy were his choice and they were choices that were made to help his ex wife. What kind of future could I ever have with a man that would put himself in a terrible situation for another woman? He says he has done it all for his son, but that baggage is far heavier than that…Am I wrong to feel like our life together is doomed because of the choices he made for her?????

  21. I met a man online a few days before my birthday. He lives 4 hours away so I as stunned the after two phone conversations he would offer to drive down and take me out for my birthday. When he arrived I didnt initially find him attractive but we clicked like I never experienced , we had so much in common , Long story short , I slept with him on the first night and I had no regrets. You see I’m the one with baggage , I had a broken heart. A miscarriage a year before, a failed verbally abusive relationship and I just wanted to feel good. I thought it was one night. But he liked me and I liked him too , he drove to see me twice a week , a four hour drive. He was so sweet and successful too but it wasn’t long before those insecurities of mine came out. It was almost like I didn’t feel I deserved this. I didn’t trust him even though he gave me the keys to his house after one month , I called him all times of night , called him a liar on several occasions , I even called him a coward , one night after he didn’t return my call. He decided he didn’t want to see me anymore. He told me I will always be his greatest disappointment. I am so ashamed of my behavior , I tried to talk to him for a month but he never spoke to me again. My heart will never heal from what could’ve been. I can not stop thinking about him.

    1. meh he mightve been a psychopath. Dude was doing too much too soon. 4 hour drives right away, keys after a month? shady.

  22. This article really hit home for me. I have been with my fiance for 2.5 years, but his baggage is definitely overwhelming that love. I have tried, I really have, to accept the ex-wife, the mountain of debt from her, her constant trouble-making with the kids, and supporting him emotionally through all his struggles. We have had open discussions on this for years and he keeps promising that it will get better, but after seeing very little accomplished after our time together…I don’t know if I believe it. It will take him a long, long time to dig himself out of the hole he was in after his divorce 5 years ago…long enough where I will have to delay my life and my goals for at least 2 more years. I want children of my own and I want a man who can enjoy that with me – I worry he will be distracted by the drama his ex-wife causes. I am on the edge of a very hard decision and I’m not sure what to do. I love him so very much (and I also love his amazing kids!), but I wonder if love is enough? His past dominates his present, and I don’t see where I fit in. I have really struggled to accept him for all that he is and deal with the baggage, but I don’t think I have it in me. We’re planning on getting married soon, so I have to decide if this is truly the path I want to go down. Classic head-and-heart struggle, 😦

  23. What I love about this thread is that it has given me the opportunity to realise how lucky I am to have been dumped 2 weeks ago! I’m an older woman (52) and had met someone my own age but with 3 daughters aged 9,12 & 15. My kids are adults (22 & 19) but still live at home & we are still big parts of each others lives. I came out of 23 year marriage 2 years ago & this guy my first new relationship.

    I had only been dating for 6 months but things had gone well and I felt that this could be long term. Having said that I also felt that his house was his house,rented, and mine is mine, & I own it & I felt that that we wouldn’t move into together for at least the next 2 years. I wanted my kids to have time to plan their next moves as adults & then he & I could get a place.

    Apparently the reason he dumped me (at 4.30 am by text) was because I was too independent, I didn’t have enough time for him, he wanted a 24/7 relationship and some more akin to the Brady Bunch. He was upset that I didn’t want to spend Christmas Eve at his house with him and his kids so to be there Christmas Morning. Umm..I’m dating him not his kids…oh and this all came out afterwards.

    As I was saying, what has struck me is the financial toll this relationship would have taken on me over the years to come. The whole ex thing, the times when his, eventually all, teenage daughters will come between us etc etc. So thanks to my recent Ex. You did me a massive favour.

  24. Odense, Denmark

    Its’s so much positive energy around me again. I haven’t felt like this for months, maybe years. And now when they broke up and she calling me to get back together and all..WOW I am so happy.all thanks gose to d.rrivershebalisthome the spell caster who help me out if you need his help also contact him email thank you so much doctor

  25. Thank you sooooo much for this article. For the past month I have been conflicted with my own feelings and emotions, but your article gave me a sense of utter relief.
    For the past 15 months I was in a relationship with a man who was 35 years old and had 7 (Yes I said SEVEN) kids from 5 different women. I had known this man for years and originally I was okay with everything. As the relationship went on, I learned more and more about him that he did not tell me up front. For example, he is still technically married but has been separated for years. He had several jobs when we first got together but eventually I was the one supporting the both of us and two of his kids on top of my own son. Then there is the fact that he likes to flip his problems so that the world is against him instead of taking responsibility for his own life and choices. About a year into the relationship, I began asking myself what on earth I was doing. I loved this man, but everyday with him was so much negativity and drama. he continuously compared me to his exes, he would get mad over little things I did and blow them way out of proportion (because not telling me you’re still technically married is a small thing right???) and then he began using my past against me.I should have gotten out then, but I stayed because I thought his love for me was as strong as mine was for him.
    To this day, I will never truly know if he even loved me, or stayed because it was a free meal ticket. And it was about a week after I told him no more and that he needed to get a job and handle his business that he left me. It hurts, and I cry sometimes, but I also think about all of the financial, emotional and physical baggage that this man came with and how I can finally breathe.
    He still contacts me and blames me for the things that are wrong with his life now. Like how he is struggling financially. I just tell myself “not my problem anymore” because he should have had his business taken care of whether I was in his life or not.
    And my final realization? He will never be able to have his business taken care of and will always blame others for his problems. And I, I will one day find a man who has his business taken care of, with no drama and who doesn’t have multiple kids from different baby mamas.
    Again, thank you for this article!!!

    1. Hi Missundastood! First let me congratulate you on doing YOU!! So often women settle or get stuck in relationships that leave them drained and stressed. We deserve more so I am happy that although you love him, you love yourself enough to let him go. I’m glad my article helped you realize that you are not alone and a lot of women have been through the same thing. I love your confidence that you will “find a man who has his business taken care of, with no drama…” because with that optimism you will definitely find him or he will find you. Life goes on and I am so happy to hear you are free and chose to live your best life!! Take care and thanks so much for your comment!!

    2. I feel where you are coming from.. However I married my husband knowing he had 4 kids with 2 woman and sometimes the financial burden and fights with exes were too much and he has an emotional imbalance where he smashes stuff up when he’s angry … But it was always because I them and I loved him well 10 months after our perfect marriage to my souls mate in Jamaica we found a out he had another 15 year old by another woman from a night stand he was tested years ago when he was with his ex wife but the woman contacted “me” ( I’m a assuming drunk one night with a copy of a paternity test saying she wanted nothing but her daughter to wet her dad) it was too much it destroyed my dreams of having a kid if my own with this man are destroyed I love him more than anything but can’t handle his irresponsible mistakes he made that can haunt our future forever. And so I bring it up and gets crazy and pissed and breaks stuff and on New Years it was the final blow. So I have been alone since I miss him terribly I want back our time in Jamaica we were so in love but over lots of nights alone drinking wine I realized the past is gone …. Good luck

  26. What would you do if your man has 3 children and two ex wives that he’s been sleeping with on and off since they divorced?

  27. I am in a relationship with a 53 year old man who has a ten year old daughter his ex is 36. he has 50/50 custostody so he dont have to pay child support. she workd second shift so everyday and every other weekend he has her. she will not eat anything I make so he takes her to a fast food place. I am not alowed to disipline her and she weighs 145 pounds at 10. she gets Ipads cell phones and anything she wants. he has to leave work all the time to pick her up on the bus so I have to contribute all of my money to the house. he told me she comes first and someday he will marry me. well last week I packed my things and got my own place. he kept the nice home and I got a dump. he said we should keep dating and stay with each other until I get counciling, he calls me sybil. Now that im gone he only calls me when she is not there and wants me to sleep over, booty call. he has no idea were I even moved to. he said when she turns 13 she will be able to stay home since she does not want to be with him anyway. he never calls me its like im the one chasing him. he never buys me anything its all what i can do for him like cook and clean. the leases is under both our names and i cant say i don’t love him because I do I just want a commitment after being toghether for 18 months. im not getting any younger at 52 and my kids are grown. should i end this now or give him an ultimatime. He also said it’s best this way living apart his daughter is happier and he can spend more time with her, he already made plans for the whole summer which i am not included. should i just call it quits, cry get over it. and move on.

  28. Hi I am in a 3 yr relationship and carrying a lot of baggage as my boyfriend has an ex wife & 2 children and I feel that he’s giving in to them with a big lump some of money and he’s not standing by me as I totally disagree with what he’s doing! His kids get everything they ask for as that’s the way they have been brought up and there has been no discipline at all! Just wanting to know am I right to get annoyed with him?? Any replys would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!

  29. I’m in a relationship where I feel highly disrespected. My significant other have three kids outside the one we have together. Long story short. He works away from home on a boat for four to six weeks at a time and I’m left of course to take care of our responsibility, which will be done with or without him because I’m a Mother first before anything. Anyway, when he comes home, he’s boring and don’t do anything with me. When he do suggest something its not genuine because he basically suggest things due to the fact I’ve said something. So of course I say no. However, he live about eight hours from his kids and rarely gets to see them due to his job. Lately, he been mentioning them coming up for summer after they were just here for Spring break. I don’t mind them coming at all, but where’s your time with me? Besides that, his children and their Mothers along with his parents are disrespectful. They have never called me and asked is it okay for the children to come stay with us or even just say thank you for looking out for my kid. His oldest is 12 and the child stay with my significant other parents. So you would think his Mother would at least had sense to say something. She hates me and our my son though. They have never seen my son by the way and my son is four. It’s like my son is nothing to them and I promise I’ve never done anything them. So yeah it hurt my feelings for a long time and I eventually got over it because I know I never did anything to anybody. His parents are also church affiliated. Pastor and first lady, so you know they some hypocritical people right? They also have his other two all the time. The Mothers ever have their children. I’m being punished because I’m a good Mother I guess.

    Getting to my point. We had a little shouting match last night when he mentioned his kids coming back up. I told him they would not be coming here because I’m tired of being disrespected. I’m tired of being the bigger and better person. I’m not winning. Of course he said I’m wrong and he entitled to that, but he’s also the wrong in all this mess. He let this whole mess continue to be messy and I’m just at a breaking point. My family has never disrespected him or been rude to him, but I receive all of that on his end and I’m not the one with the baggage, but it’s like as if I’m the one with the baggage. I put up with his lies, his parents and baby mothers. He have zero mess from me. He’s winning! I didn’t mention when I was pregnant how one baby mother found me on Facebook and said all kinds of stuff to me during my first trimester. She use to really upset me and til this day, I don’t know if she was lying or telling the truth. The only thing he could suggest is I deactivate my Facebook page. I shouldn’t had to deactivate my page cause of something on his end, but I did because I was just tired of the situation. He also talk to them when I’m away from him. He’s never been around me talking to them. Everything is just weird. I have heard him on the phone with his Mother and I’ve never heard ask about her grandchild, which kind of bothers me because my son is my world.

    Am I wrong for saying no to the kids coming? I told him if he don’t like it, when he get off the boat we can separate because I’m not going through this mess any longer. I’m getting older and wiser and my time is too precious to waste. The time I’m putting in on him thinking it’ll get better could be use on somebody better hopefully.

  30. When I was 25 years old I met a man who was 33 and divorced with 1 son. His son stays over with him every other weekend. I was smitten by this man because he was good looking and very attentive. We got engaged 3 months later, and married 3 months after that. In retrospect, if I could live my life over again, I would never have married this man.

    First of all, what turned out to be attentiveness is in fact insecurity, clinginess and lack of independence. A 33 year old man living with his parents without a car of his own should have been my first clue. He also has emotional/anger problems which I only realized he had after we got married. Additionally, his family is very controlling, especially his mom who has a say in everything we did.

    The other issue is his “baggage” when it comes to his ex-wife and son. This is my biggest issue right now. The above issues have been alleviated with medication and marital counselling. But the outside interference of his ex-wife and his son, whom he prioritizes above all else, will be never go away.

    When we were first dating, the fact that he had a child wasn’t an issue to me because I love kids and I get along well with them. But as time went on and we are trying to establish our own home and family together, it became a bigger and bigger problem. He gives a quarter of his paycheque to his ex-wife, and gives them extra money every time they ask. This wouldn’t be an issue if he could afford it, but we are just getting by and we barely have any food in our fridge.

    I feel foolish and naive for having married him. While some things have improved, some things will never change. I now know he will never prioritize me or our son first. I guess I am still in this relationship because I have “baggage” now (we have a son together) and I don’t want to face picking up the pieces.

    This is a great article. You are lucky you have a dad who gave you such great insight and advice. For any woman who is considering a relationship with a man with “baggage,” see if he is willing to prioritize you first and give you what you deserve. If not, run for the hills before you get weighed down by too much baggage.

  31. Hi, I really need help asap please, I’m in a relationship for the past 6 months, and I will say we’ve had some great times together. I have a son from my previous relationship and my boyfriend has 2 kids, well they have a life of their own and don’t really mix with our lives, there is no issues whatsoever with them. My biggest issue is that when we started to date, as we got to know each other more, he was upfront and honest about his situation which is having his ex partner as business partner, she is not his kids mother. He made it clear that it will take time for them to split shares and go separate ways with d business. He puts time, attention and care to my son and I and involves a lot with my family and friends, he’s very supportive of me and wants me to have my own dreams of a business estanlished as well. I cannot complain of his attention to me. But recently I found out that his ex partner/business partner gets annoyed by our social and public displays, I thought that probably he still entertains her love relationship wise, I address the issue to him and he said that all of that is taking time to decrease, I feel he hasn’t fully let go of her love relationship wise, he admitted that he’s decreasing with her in that area as much cordial as he could for the fact to prevent any lawsuits disagreement due to having the business together 10 years now. I said I will give him a break to deal with it on his own because it’s uncomfortable for me, I felt lied at the same time but he insists on us being as honest as possible on the situation which is our only issue in our relationship. I somehow have become insecure about this and feel like a love triangle. I see his genuine attention and the gentleman he is but I can’t help thinking there are feelings between them still and obviously. What should my reaction be here?????

  32. my girlfriend and i spilt up because she was stressed 6 mths ago wants too give it another go but now on her ex s facebook page not happy about this she has a son from him i have twins from her hellllpppppp i hate her ex

  33. I’ve been on a (very) long distance with a man with a 6 year old son. Single parents used to be a major NO NO to me but growing older it has been harder to find someone “baggageless” so I agreed to giving a shot to this guy when introduced by a friend in common. He was never married and has his son every weekend, and is an amazing and present dad. My boyfriend is a sweetheart and genuinely in love with me, but I admit sometimes I’m still confused on whether this is the best I can have. We talk about getting married and having kids, tho I wonder how the relationship of his son with my parents would be. It’s almost like they would have to treat him like a grandkid but without he ever seeing them nowhere near so. Or if he would ever chose on his kid over me and possible kids in common someday. Plus, the idea of never being able to move anywhere else if given better opportunities really bothers me. Definitely still not sure if it’s worth risking a bright personal future for a mediocre life.

  34. I have a boyfriend who when we met told me he only had three children two by his ex wife and one with his baby momma…now he looked me in my face and told me his expectations in this relationship was for me not to disrespect them BC he went allow them to disrespect me..don’t lie to him or disrespect him…now that we finally settled into our place six months later all the sudden he has an older son he didn’t tell me about and a 13 year old he brought to my house claiming that he never got a DNA but she look just like him….wtf!!!!! Don’t know what to do i have none but here soon was planning to try to have own

  35. I married a girl with two kids and an ex that is the biggest pain. I thought we could fix it and seriously avoid the pitfall. It’s hard marraige isn’t easy and you know it’s not worth making it more difficult. This person you love might be perfect but wow it’s almost better to be alone .

    1. You’re right Dero, it can be a lot to deal with, which is why dating someone with baggage is not for everyone. I’m sorry things did not work out for you, but I’m sure it made you stronger and more aware of what you want in a relationship going forward. Best of luck and thanks for your comment!!

  36. I was in a 5 year relationship with my boyfriend. I have a 9 year old daughter. He has no kids. She and my boyfriend are very close. She has called him daddy since she was a baby. Throughout the last 5 years we’ve had a good relationship. But we get in heated arguments about my daughter not being his biological child. He takes good care of her but when it’s time for her to visit her biological dad he’s so mean to me and he gets upset every time she goes to visit her real dad, which is one weekend per month. He told me he didn’t want to get married or have any children with me because I started a family already without him. He says it’s my fault that we can’t have a family. He said he wants us to stay together because he loves me and enjoys being with my daughter and me. So I asked him if we could live together. He said yes, although he was skeptical. We picked a 2 bedroom apartment together. I have my own apartment but I planned to break my lease and move in with him. Well when I questioned him about when I should break my lease he said he’s old school and doesn’t think we should live together anymore and that he changed his mind. He wants us to continue to spend the night at each others apartments. He has a key to my apartment and he told me he’d give me a key to the new apartment. We’d still be together all the time but we just won’t be living together. He’s 36 and I’m 32. I told him that after 5 years I don’t feel like I’m getting anything from him accept materialistic things. No real commitment. Yes, I love him, we travel and spend a lot of time together, and we enjoy each others company. I don’t believe he’s cheating or interested in another woman. I just think he’s stringing me along just to have a companion. I told him I didn’t want only companionship. I want a relationship that’s growing. The least we could do by now is live under one roof since we’re always together anyway. And after 5 years we’re still doing the same things we were doing in year one. Even having the same arguments. He got upset and told me I have baggage by having a daughter. He doesn’t want to deal with my daughter going to see her real dad all the time and he wants his space sometime. My daughter’s biological dad isn’t an issue for us. We never even talk to each other. My daughter catches a flight one weekend per month to spend time with him. He doesn’t bother me at all. The argument got really bad because I was so frustrated and upset. We talked about living together, he agreed, we picked an apartment, then when it was time to move in he let’s me know that I should stay in my own apartment. I think that is so cruel. Then he keeps calling my daughter baggage but the next day he calls her his baby. He calls me a baby mama and says I should have made better decisions instead I got played and left with a kid. I asked him where was our relationship going and what he wanted from me. He can’t keep throwing my past in my face. He said he wants to keep dating me and see where things go. I feel like after 5 years he should have an idea where they’re going. Either we’re going to stay together and get through our issues or not. The disrespect and not valuing my feelings has taken a toll on me. He hates when we talk about moving forward. He gets mad and tells me to change the subject. I got so heart broken and hurt by this whole apartment deal because I was so excited about us living together. He knew it crushed me and he acted so nonchalant like he didn’t even care. I haven’t contacted him in a week and he hasn’t contacted me either. No text, phone call, no apology, nothing. He doesn’t seem to care. Should I just let him go? I don’t want to chase him. I don’t want to hear the same ole arguments and the same ole excuses why we cant make future plans and stick with them. I’m depressed and I feel hopeless. One week he’s the greatest guy on earth then the next week he talks down to me and calls me names and acts like he doesn’t care.

    1. Hi Chanel! Wow it sounds like you’ve been through a whirlwind the past 5 years in your relationship and based on what you explained, I would suggest it is time to let it go. I suggest this because after year 1 and 2 it should have been clear to your boyfriend what he wants and whether or not he can accept your child. Actually he would know this well before year 1 and 2. I don’t know if he thought it was something he could handle, and from you mention it is clear that he loves your daughter, however that may not be enough for him. Based on his actions and comments it is evident he cannot handle that you already started your family prior to him. I think the relationship will continue to suffer if he continues to act this way and make the comments; it is not healthy. What else is not healthy is that your daughter has to deal with his actions and comments as well. Of course most children want Mommy and Daddy to be together, but I also think she may wonder why after all this time, you two have not made a commitment; whether that be moving in together or getting married. As a mother you have to lead by example to your daughter and show her what a real relationship is. I’m sure if she dealt with what you’ve been dealing with, you would want more for her and you would feel like she deserves better. So you deserve better Chanel. There is someone out there who you will travel with, have a good time with, AND be consistent in their actions and comments. In addition, it will be a relationship that is progressing and moving forward. Unfortunately, it sounds like you and your boyfriend have been stagnant in your relationship and the reason is that he cannot deal with your “baggage.” For the last 5 years he has shown you who he is and if it has not changed in the last 5 years, it will not change for the next 5 years. You have to decide if you can put up with it or move on for you and your daughter’s sake. I hope you really analyze the relationship and think about what you want and what is best for your daughter. I wish you the best of luck and thank you so much for your comment!

  37. I came here because I have been dating a woman for the past three months that seems to have a lot of emotional baggage and wanted to get answers. She seems very conflicted as she gives off mix messages. Over the weekend we were away and had a lovely Saturday night, great dinner, met friends. On Sunday morning she started crying and told me that she felt incapable of feeling love. She was always very cautious and seemed to have built emotional walls around her but it all came to a head this past Sunday morning. She lives with her daughter who is 27 and has never wanted me to meet her because she did not want her daughter to meet someone she wasn’t absolutely certain about. I was not offended as my view of the relationship was to take it a step at a time and not to worry about its final destination. I enjoyed being with her and was willing to see where it would lead. She told me that she wants to fall in love but is incapable and that this has happened with other men she has dated. The key issue seems to be that her husband passed away at 47 of a heart attack 3 years ago and from the conversations with me and my friends she always talks about him. I told her that she should look into getting psychological counseling because she seems to have unresolved issues which are hampering her life. She agreed and said that she does need help and also admitted that she misses her dead husband who she was separated from when he passed away. Sunday was a very difficult day because we had to drive back home which takes 2 hours and emotions were raw. I dropped her off and we did not have a formal breakup but down deep inside I do not see how this can work. As much as I would like her to get well and for us to continue the relationship I do not want to be her psychiatrist. This may sound cruel but it will take a very heavy emotional toll on me and will have me hanging around hoping that she changes which I do not see. I wish her nothing but the best but feel I must move on. I would like to hear your thoughts. Thank you!

  38. I have two children from a previous marriage, my ex husband is continually texting and although I ignore his efforts to reconcile our relationship he persists!
    I have been seeing an amazing man for almost a year and I love every minute I spend with him, I love him so much as a friend and as a lover. We go together so well and I would love to be with him forever but recently he told me he can’t accept the fact I have two children and a previous life with another man. I do understand what he’s saying but what I don’t understand is how he can throw away what we have because he doesn’t want it to end now. Single people with children have been through enough heartache in their lives before having to lose someone they love, single men and women deserve to be loved and obviously it’s not straight forward and maybe the other person will have to make some sacrifices but surely it’s worth it to be with someone you connect with and love deeply. When I read comments like this I feel like there is no hope to find happiness, yes I have children but I also want the love of a man.


    1. Hello Stephanie I couldn’t agree with you more! I’m with an amazing man I have to kids from a previous marriage and in the last month my ex is on a war path with me . my boyfriend says he won’t leave because of my ex but I’m terrified that my as everyone calls it “baggage” will be to much eventually and he will leave even though our love for each other is intense !

  39. Hello,

    I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year now. He is divorced and he has a 5 year old son. I don’t have kids and never been married before. I really thought that this was going to be easy but little did I know.I never dated a guy with kids before so this was all new to me.

    Minus the kid and his Ex everything is perfect since we have great chemistry. However his ex constantly messages him. He does not want anything to do with her since she cheated on him several times and has now had a child with another man.she has no ambition and is no way on my level since I am a professional . My boyfriend has an OK job but nothing that brings in a lot of money.I personally don’t really like kids and this whole situation is just depressing. I tried leaving the relationship several times but each I time I keep going back. Because I feel guilty for breaking his heart since he is really in love with me.

    I have reached the point where every time the child is around or his ex contacts him I get upset.His ex is very irresponsible so he has the kid most of the times.This is a problem because the child has his full attention. I am really hurting inside,because I have found a nice guy who just happens to have baggage. I always told my self I will never date someone who has kids or who was married. Yeah right …never say never. I am not happy with this situation at all. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to hurt him but this situation is hurting me. I cry all the time ….I just want to be with someone who can give me their full attention.

    PS please help me

    1. Sorry for the delay in this reply. I’ve only recently been looking up posts for advice to check I’m not alone in my negative thoughts..and found this to be the most up to date ones of this year.

      (Please bare with my punctuation, it’s not one of my strong points)

      I’m 27 and agree with the never thinking I’d date someone with kids comment, it’s underestimatedly difficult most of the time!.

      My partner is separated from his ex wife (still married which I find difficult at times) and only has his daughter who’s 4 on a Sunday / Monday. Which is my partners only days off work, As he works in hospitality (like me) we work until 11pm most shifts and he’s always tired from his job role. So I feel resentment that when I do spend time with him on these days it’s ‘shared’.

      i haven’t experienced this jealousy feeling before, and feel so awful because it’s his daughter and he’s a brilliant, caring dad. But I do agree with all posts on here of the jealousy from not being the first to experience marriage and babies together. It’s like a second best feeling?! Do we just put up with it?.

      I’m struggling to paint on a Smile some weeks, when I’m stood watching them play and him cuddling and kissing her, it’s like a bond I can’t understand until I have my own children and I can’t share it with my partner as this child isn’t mine. Instead I feel like I shouldn’t be there, and I need to leave.

      He was with his ex wife 7 years (married 4) and recently I’ve been finally feeling maternal feelings and wanting the fairytale of marriage one day and my own child. Although my partner is very loving and constantly showing me attention, I can’t bare his child acting up and coming between us on weekends.

      Has anyone got with a guy who’s already got kids and had one of their own? Do you have any regrets?

      Any advice or opinions would be gratefully received,


  40. A man I have being seeing for a awhile. We are very serious we actually are in love with each other. I’m 30 years old with no children he has 2. The problem is not his children the problem is his sick baby mother. She can’t work and can’t contribute at all financially to take care of her children. That’s leaves him he takes care of her and the children. I mean pays rent, utilities, cable,furniture everything. He told me if we get married that won’t hinders anything we trying to do. With mortgages and overseas trips. My problem is simply this, my man take care another household. I told him that I have a problem with it now I will have a problem with it later. He insist on trusting him and don’t walk away from love. And if there were any other solutions he will do it cause he don’t want to lose me. I just don’t know please help.

    1. If you read my story below I understand how hard it is I married my “soul mate” but when you can’t afford the simple things you usually would or you can’t even go away for a weekend .. It “will” cause you a lot of resentment… Please think it through while you’re young I’m 37 so I have to act fast in still madly in love with my husband but I come with no baggage or drama and he is quite the opposite. Xo

  41. Thank you so much for this article I married my husband knowing he had 4 kids by 2 different women it was not always easy at all and sometime I resented especially throwing all this money to other women who sit on their asses daily . Then 10 months into marriage I get the shock of my like that there is a 15 year old kid number 5 by yet a 3rd mother.. It crushed me , I thought this is too jerry springer I can’t do this … I tried to live with it but was too disgusted.. Also my husband is a self harmer .. He had a job change we were struggling and he would get pissed of and trash the house and break stuff and hurt himself .. What happened to this beautiful , sensitive loving man I married on the beach in Jamaica in October 2014 so New Year’s Eve 2015 he moved out and our lease on our home ends this April and we will get separate apartments and see just each other and work on our selves … He thinks I should just get over his past but I dont think I ever can im 37 I dot have long if I want a baby of my own but being baby number 6 and mom number is just not and option and not with someone so emotionally unstable. Does this make me awful? Or smart ? I will know I guess , right now it’s raw and I’m sad …. I miss that guy the one that said “I do” on the beach ….

  42. This blog is best thing I’ve seen in a long time! I just turned 44 a few days ago and I’ve been in a relationship with an older man over 11 yrs older than me for the past 5 yrs. He’s been married and has a few children with the ex wife as well as 2 other kids with another woman as well. All of the children are older with children of their own. Me on the other hand have no kids-plain and simple. My thing is when I found out he had the 4 children my first instinct was to get outta dodge but then came, ‘ oh no, they’re all grown, it’s all good.’ So proceeded to see where it would it go. 9 mnths into the relationship he proposed and I did accept. Early on there were trips and lots of shopping ( life was pretty good) but things have slowed down in that dept. The other night we’re talking and he shared with me a text one of his daughters sent and below I saw a conversation between the ex wife and him then another with the ex wife and daughter. THAT SHUT ME DOWN IMMEDIATELY!! I’m at the point where I’m over being in a relationship where I’m feeling like there are so many leading people in his life ESPECIALLY when I have no contact with exes or other people of the opposite sex . What pisses me off is the whole ‘ we have kids and grand kids together .’ Well I feel that if there is no emergency, no one is hurt or injured, etc.then there is no reason to communicate. The whole, we’re friends takes me to a whole other place. “Well if you’re just friends than it shouldn’t be a problem if I’m friends with any of my exes regardless of it there are kids involved or not. ” Did I mention they are all grown. yeah, smh…. I’m tired of feeling like I’m having to settle which is exactly what I’ve been doing as has always been the case. Is it so bad to just want a ‘male version of me’? No issues, no baggage? I’ve pretty much convinced myself that I’m going to be myself. 😦

  43. I could have written this word for word, except my BF had 4 kids with one woman, who was Satan. He was broke (below poverty level) and had no education or plans. Like the girl above, I loved him so I dealt with all the baggage. Finally it got to be too much – the ex always came first. Our plans ruined. He never had money. I was supporting him and his kids, and I barely made enough for me to live on. It sucked. I am SO glad I never married or got pregnant by this guy. If you’re dating a guy like this, RUN. I thought I was in love with this hug but now I look back and say what the f–k was I thinking?! Again, don’t walk, run away from a situation like this as fast as you can. Trust me, you’ll be much better off and glad you left to find someone better without all the baggage.

  44. I need some advice please…. I have been dating a man now for 6 months. We both have 2 kids however mine are 14 and 22 and his are 2 and 7. I just turned 43 and I have been divorced now for almost 2 years. He is separated and in the process of a divorce but it seems to be taking forever. My divorce was over in 2 months after I filed the paperwork but his has been going on since the paperwork was filed back 9 months ago. We have a great relationship and we all adore each other but I am not sure if I can continue on in this relationship. His divorce not being final and all she is asking for in the divorce is really taking its toll on me. She expects her ex to take care of her. They have agreed on 50/50 custody and he pays for daycare and all expenses related to the kids but she also expects him to pay and take care of her as well while she chooses to not work a job that she is qualified for. She wants to work for little money and less hours and expects her ex to take care of her financially. I am a very hard working single mother who supports herself and my kids and I work hard in order to do so.It is so hard knowing all of his hard work is being taken from his ex who refuses to work up to her fullest potential because she expects him to still take care of her. He does have 2 young children who I adore but my kids are older and I wonder sometimes if this is ever going to get easier or harder…. He is an amazing man and has been great to me and my kids these past 6 months which is a blessing considering I was married to an verbally abusive alcoholic for over 20 years. I promised myself I would never settle again after being married to an alcoholic who was verbally abusive. I know it’s not my boyfriend’s fault he is having to deal with all of this but I am not sure what to do or am I over thinking it and should I just allow this great relationship to continue. My fear is that I am going to get so attached and not be able to walk away once I realize this is not going to work… I am hoping someone can give me some advice as I am so afraid of making the wrong decision. I know in the end I have to be the one who decides what to do but I am definitely struggling with that right now. I also don’t want anyone to take what I said about him having 2 young children the wrong way. I abosloutely love kids and I adore his it’s just a really hard situation and him having 2 young kids makes it that much more difficult.

    1. I am in a similar situation. I pushed mine away in the beginning because I wasn’t sure. I’m completely too attached and in love now, and if I had met his children and their disgusting lazy brainwashing mother I would have ran and never looked back. I’m stuck now. Do your amazing worthy self a favor and your bank account. Live a life worth living and not on his availability.

      Hope this helps.


  45. I’m in a similar situation my boyfriend has 6 Kids 3 baby mamas I have one child it’s always something the one baby momma with 4 of his kids will drop them off and expect me to feed them he’s on a fixed income and they’re taking child support out of that so he’s getting awfully used to get. And then the kids have no respect the other baby mama is very spiteful and refuses to let him bring other women around her kid. She’s allowed to pick up the one kid that was with us of his anytime she wants but we cannot see the baby that he has with her because he chooses to be with me it’s not like this is a new relationship it’s been 2 years now. But she can go meet random guys at the bar every weekend and bring them home and let them walk around in his boxers in front of my boyfriend’s daughter. The one that has four of his kids took three of them move to Florida and I said that she sending all three of them back butthurt thousand dollars in food stamps she won’t help us so I’m expected to support his kids and his kids when she would even help you know the last time they were here she literally drop food off for her three kids that were here and refuse to feed my daughter who is smaller and younger than all of them I just hope that my relationship with my old man is strong enough to make it through another session of all of them being here and the baby mamas give a f*** and come here they start problems in our relationship. But we’ve been together for 2 years my daughter absolutely loves him his daughter that lives with us is extremely happy with us and we’re not going to split up will allow his baby mamas to interfere in our relationship and the kids will eventually accept me is what I am told but it’s so hard to sit here and deal with it because I feel like they don’t respect me my stuff my daughter or the fact that me and her dad are happy and been together for 2 years in the same situation you are I feel you but I don’t look at it as big as I look at it that’s who my man is he’s a great father and I look at it as I am a wonderful woman with the strength of a saint and I know that True Love Will Conquer All and I believe deep down inside I’m a good enough person to allow my true love to conquer all of the hurdles so I can be happy with the man of my dreams.

  46. I am currently dating a man with 3 children with two different mothers. I am 29 with no children of my own but would love to have a child. He is the same age. We were never friends but knew eachother from elementary school. When we started dating a year ago, we were both in similar situations financially and emotionally. I was in between jobs, living with my parents, and had just gotten out of a relationship with a man I was engaged to. He was trying to rebuild his life after a horrible situation with the mother of his younger two. We spent the past year building each other up. I started my teaching career, (which has been very stressful. Working with young children living in poverty and emotionally damaging homes. Children who have experienced all sorts of trama at the age of 4). He was able to get a job that pays well and offers overtime (however his job is very stressful, demanding, and emotionally draining) he got a car, and we recently moved into a three bedroom house that we are renting. In a year we have been able to establish a loving home and healthy environment for his children . The problem is this..
    1. The mother of the two youngest has caused a lot of stress to both my boyfriend and I. Each week is a battle to get the children and she often uses them as power and control. She’s a nightmare to deal with and I find myself stressing out over her behavior constantly. Both my boyfriend and I are stressed out. I’ve taken on his problems and it’s starting to really affect me.

    2. He is working 50 hour work weeks and brings home next to nothing once child support is taken out of his check. (The oldest’s mom is in college, the other mom stays home and does not work).

    The problem I’m facing is that right now, I’m paying most of the bills and he is doing all he can. But it’s extremely difficult. Most of my money is spent within days of getting paid. I want a child more than anything but I don’t know if it’s finanically possible if we stay together. I love him. I love his children. We feel like a family when we are together. The financial burden and the stress of work and the ex is really getting to both of us. We have been fighting everyday. I’m starting to feel like I need to get out of this relationship but on the other hand, I want to stay because we have worked so hard together, and we do love each other. I’m proud of the hard work wr have done, but I question if it’s ever going to be enough. I would feel horrible leaving him but I know I want to have a child of my own but I want to be able to give my child the best life possible with financial security.

    If anyone read that whole story, and has advice, I could really use it! Thank you!

  47. I intended to come here for viewing only but I had to post about my situation because I am torn. I have met an absolutely great man but he has 6 kids, 2 baby moms. One child is an adult with kids of his own, the relationship isn’t the greatest. He has the remaining 5 with one woman. I truly love him but I worry that as time progress, I will regret my decision to be with him. His kids are respectable and well behaved–it’s pretty unusual. I have met his ex and he tries never to speak ill of her because he cheated on her many years ago and in return she cheated.

    My family thinks he’s a nice guy but the whole situation would be too much for me. I’m in my mid thirties, never had kids (and possibly can’t have any), and in a lucrative career. He is a hard worker but does not earn enough to support me and his kids. He plans on returning to school for a more stable career but this would take at least 3 years. He’s asked me to marry him but I mentioned I would not take a ring unless he started school. I worry about the situation with his ex, I actually encourage communication because I believe the kids she be the priority. I think she might have been a decent person but I’m concerned that this could all unravel and that I would be unhappy. We’ve been together about 6 months.

    1. Angie’s life… I was also stuck on whether I should stay in my relationship with a man who I have been dating. I actually posted on this site earlier. I decided to stay in my relationship because I love him. He is kind, is amazing to me and my daughter (who likes him very much). I have never been with anyone who is so good to me. He has a lot of baggage with 2 younger kids and an ex who still wants him to take care of her because she thinks he owes her something but I am not going to allow anyone else force me to make a decision and walk away because things are tough or he has to much baggage. I am a hard working single mom who isn’t looking for a man to take care of me or my kids I just want someone who loves me and respects me and my kids. If he makes you happy and you love him who cares about the rest. I mean its hard dont get me wrong I have wanted to walk away many times because I wasn’t sure if I could do it. His kids are much younger than mine and his ex is a problem but I can’t allow that to push me away from a great guy. I was married before for 20 years to a verbally abusive alcoholic and I finally see how life and a relationship should be after years of being with someone who only cared about himself and his drinkng its amazing having someone love me and my kids and it took me awhile to trust again, heck Im still having trouble believing this man loves me and that he won’t end up hurting me but I can’t live life that way… I know everyone is different and you have live your life without worrying about all this other stuff all the time. We all deserve to be happy and if you are happy than dont allow anyone or anything keep you from loving this man. If you are not happy and you dont love hoim and his kids than you whould walk now because his kids are becoming attached and you all derserve to be happy! Not sure if this helped but good luck to you!!

  48. I’m a childless man who just broke off a one year relationship with a woman who had 2 children with her ex husband. It didn’t bother me that I was not a priority (I didn’t expect to be and believe her kids come first and should). I understood that and was more than ok with it. The problem was I refused to not be a priority over her ex husband. He would text her late at night, jokes, things not involving the kids and she would let him hang out at her place when I wasn’t there in order to “see his kids” He would never take the kids and always hung out at her place. He would have a convenient way of showing up at her house when he felt she would be home. He would sit on her couch and watch tv, eat the food in her fridge, and play video games, not exactly spending quality time with his kids. She also had a lot of debt leftover from her marriage to him that she and him had accrued and it left her struggling financially. She hinted that it would be great if someone could help her pay it off (not him of course!). I didn’t do it and she seemed bummed that I didn’t offer up the money. The final straw came when her ex husband was being charged with a really creepy crime and she stated she thought he was innocent despite all of the evidence against him she would believe every BS word that came out of his mouth. I told her I thought he was guilty and she jumped all over me and called me judgmental. That was when I said Audios. My point is a lot of women with children are still emotionally involved with their ex and in denial about it and have no boundaries with them whatsoever. That is the real baggage that never goes away and baggage that I don’t want to deal with ever again. I knew I would never marry her when she defended him like that and jumped down my throat for not agreeing with her. I also didn’t want him hanging out at my house, eating the food in my fridge, and sitting on my couch when I was not there, even if they had kids together. Take your kids to your place to spend time with them. Not in our house if we are going to be married.

  49. After reading this great article and the responses from other readers I feel like I’m not alone in my struggle. I’ve be with my bf for many years and he’s been married before and have kids from prev. marriage. He has lived a fulfilling adult life and experienced the joy of marriage (although making the wrong decision the last x times and picked the wrong person each time), family and kids. He has a huge network of family, extended families and friends and acquaintances. He is loving and generous which sadly also is his shortcoming. His generous nature led to a lot of unnecessary expenses and greatly impacted his finance success. He gave money to people in his past who didn’t deserve it and he ended up struggling financially while others just reap the benefits.

    I know he is trying to be a great father and his family and kids are his priority before us so he needs to take care of them first before planning for our future. He spends freely on his kids and which is putting him in a difficult and tight financial place. I know he had to postpone plans for us because he simply cannot afford to take care of us right now.

    Early on in our relationship I was not as aware of his spending habits and his lack of financial disciplines. He spends what he makes and more. He spends money like water. He takes out loans to pay for gifts to his family. I understand as a parent you want to take care of your kid but I also wanted him to be realistic with his money and not spend what he doesn’t have just so he can make his kids happy and with little to nothing left for retirement.

    His kids are used to him being so generous and they feel very entitled. I’m not sure if they grasp the magnitude of their expectation. I was raised differently and in my culture once you are grown and start working you should not let your parents pay. Unless of course your parents are super wealthy and that’s a different story. One kid got married and the parents paid for the wedding. The parents are wonderful people but I was surprised that a grown man did not pay for his own wedding.

    Then the other kid is getting married and wanted to invite an astronomical number of guests. Yes I understand they have huge family and lots of friends and we all want a lavish wedding if you can afford it. Again I find it hard to watch that the parents struggle to pay for the daughter’s wedding and it can easily cost $40 – $50K. I understand for some people that’s chump change. But not in this case.

    Sadly he is in denial and wouldn’t listen to my advice. He thinks there’s something wrong with me and I’m too critical and negative. I only wanted him to be realistic and practical and save for the future and not blow away money as if there is no consequences.

    I love my bf but it’s become very overwhelming for me to deal with all this. I have never been married and don’t have kids yet and I would like to have a relationship that belongs to us but it’s not possible given his past. His baggage (I don’t mean it in a bad way but this is the term the article referenced) is affecting our relationship and I find myself getting into fights over his unsound money decisions. His family is a huge part of his life and I’m probably just a small percentage and not as a priority. I don’t think any girl growing up ever dreamed of not being # 1 in her man’s life.

    I don’t know how I will ever reconcile my conflicting feelings toward his money matters and I really need to think what is best for me and what I want in life than to compromise and settle.

  50. In need of advice here too. I’m the baggage. My ex dumped me in my late twenties when she decided she was a lesbian. That’s a long story; but, she gave me hope we might make it and I was duped into a move away from my network while in the midst of a career change to her home state. I know, I was gullible aND desperate to save my family. I had four babies with her. She was the love of my life (8 years marriage). I even got fixed after the fourth (my demand not hers!) but obviously she had her own agenda. We separated in the summer of ’13.

    Needless to say I spent two years (12-14) seeking work in this wretched state. Went to a year and a half of therapy. Still, I couldn’t find work. I’m educated but had been a stay at home parent taking classes to change careers. Saved us 32k/yr. In the fall of 14 I had given up hope of meeting anyone and was just trying to survive. I accepted it was going to be a long process to get back on top again and never ever thought anyone would EVER be interested. I joined a local group for young professionals in an attempt to network and stay fit.

    That’s where I met an absolutely amazing woman. She seemed too good to be real. Without even trying we clicked. I tried to tell myself it wouldn’t work. She even helped me find a job that was exactly what I needed for my grad application experience. But…she wants kids and a house etc rather soon. I was absolutely up front from the beginning about EVERYTHING. We were both upfront with each other. She’s still choosing me though I’m still trying to get on my feet and get into a grad school, but I can tell it’s hard for her. Her family and friends are always encouraging her to leave because, while we’re great together and I’m a good person, it’s a bad business deal. They’re worried she’s going to end up sacrificing too much. I’m wondering if I should break it off. I really truly love her. I’m doing absolutely everything in my energy that I can; yet, I know this process of integrating my kids and her family as well as becoming well established take a great deal of time. This woman is a once in a lifetime person, and I’m afraid I’ll have to let her go because of my situation 😥

  51. I love this for I am in the same situation
    My boyfriend has 6 kids and I have one I’m so scared I’m starting to belive there’s no future for me with him and I’m drowning cause we have come so far as falling in love he takes care of me but he won’t stop taking care of his kids they are grown kids that has a father who feeds them and where does that leaves me second in everything I’m discouraged I’m only 28 and I have a daughter of 7 years old I want a family I want a home with my husband I don’t know if I should stay with him any longer and I’m afraid to tell him

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