Dating Someone With Baggage


Yesterday I had an interesting conversation with a friend about dating a man with baggage. What is baggage? Baggage can be children, unemployment, an ex-wife or an ex-husband. My friend is strongly interested in this guy, but he has all forms of baggage. He has 3 children with an ex-wife (well they are separated), and while he is employed, he struggles to live independently and pay the agreed support for his 3 children. My friend, who has 0 baggage, questioned whether or not she can handle his baggage. In the past I dated a man with baggage, so when she asked for my opinion, I referred back to my experience.

I dated a man with a different baggage than my friend’s guy. My boyfriend at the time had 5 kids (count ‘em 1,2,3,4,5), 3 baby mothers, and his income was barely enough to support himself. Keep in mind this relationship was YEARS ago. I have grown immensely in whom I date, and limitations on the baggage count. Anyway, at the time it was A LOT of baggage to deal with, especially since I was so young. I liked my boyfriend; however I had reservations about the relationship. I have 0 children, and at the time I was pursuing my Bachelor’s degree. I was in a position of personal and professional growth. Some might ask (and some did ask) “Why are you with him?” It was a question I did not know the answer to, except to say the same thing women on Maury say, “But I love him.” Well the “love” eventually faded. I had to be honest with myself and consider what I wanted for my life. Clearly my boyfriend lived his life, but my adult life was just beginning. I wanted children of my own; he already had 5. I wanted to be in a relationship without outside interference; he had 3 baby mothers. I wanted to have a career and grow professionally; he was still growing professionally too, however he had 5 kids to support (that’s a lot of MOOLAH!) Love, or what I thought was love, was a great feeling at that moment, but it was too much baggage.

My father, who I consider a wise man, gave advice that stuck with me. He advised that if I married a man with kids, eventually I would be supporting the kids financially and emotionally. My father asked me whether or not my boyfriend was doing everything possible to increase his minimal income? Was he doing everything possible to support his 5 children and himself? He wanted me to understand that my boyfriend’s baggage would eventually become my baggage. Needless to say I had quite a bit to think about after the conversation with my father. I decided the situation was not beneficial for me and my goals. I couldn’t be happier with my decision. I don’t have regrets about any of my dating experiences because they’ve helped me grow and realize what I want in a mate. That experience helped me think about how much baggage I am willing to handle. I am not willing to deal with multiple kids (1 is fine), multiple baby mothers (1 is fine), and someone who is not ambitious and pushing themself to the max (this is non-negotiable). So to my friend I say, it is true that you don’t know when love will hit you, but you also have to be realistic and consider everything! I do not judge people who are in situations like mine or my friend’s, however if it bothers you then take a moment to think about what you really want. Do you want to avoid the drama and travel with a carry-on, or is it worth paying the baggage fees? #thinkaboutit

*What do men think about dating a woman with baggage? Is baggage a deal-breaker? What are your baggage limits?

About thedating3ds

At 31 years old I experienced the good, the bad, and the ugly sides of dating and relationships. My friends and I often vent or seek dating advice from each other, which propelled me to create an outlet for myself and others to share their experiences and advice. "Dating Do's, Don'ts & Duh!!" (TheDating3ds) is not a male bashing blog. Obviously because I am a woman my experiences will reflect a woman's point of view, however I encourage men to comment on discussions to present a male perspective. Posts may be fictional or nonfictional experiences and any advice I offer is not professional. Please browse the blog and leave a comment. ♥

Posted on January 25, 2012, in PhDating and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 58 Comments.

  1. RUN!!!!!!! Just Kidding. I think you gave a very sound testimony and I know your father to be the best man along with my brother to gain wisdom. We all have baggage whether it is emotional, family, ex’s etc..and the truth is that when you are in a relationship that baggage becomes your baggage as you stated. I actually have a friend who married a man with 5 children and 5 babies mothers but he is in oil and financially paid and takes good care of the children financially. the problem was he did not do well with them emotionally because he was always out on a boat or something like that. My friend married him but she actually took the responsibility of taking care of the other children emotionally and took the kids even when her husband was not in town because she knew the mothers deserved a break. She is very rear but she embraced it all and was an attorney so when the momma’s acted crazy she was the law…lol.

    At my age it is hard to even meet men without baggage that includes, children and ex-wives but I was recently faced with a decision and opted to get out because it was just not the baggage I felt I was interested in dealing with. Peace of mind is very important to me so baggage depending on what it is is not an option. If he can not afford the children and his responsibilities I would look at if he is in school, or trying to work on a few things to help him be financial stable to take care of himself. When I add up the cost of a man I look at where I am and where he is and if he is not even where I am as a person who is sacrificing to do somethings for myself but at least maintaining a very basic living then I can do bad all by myself. Great post and again great advice. Your Dad is a keeper and I love that he did not tell you to get out. Grateful you had a great ear to get advice from because the man lasted as long as he did cause I had the wrong voice in mine aka my dad…lol

  2. Hi Rasia,

    The mere mention of the term ‘baggage’ seems to elicit such an extremely emotional (and unwarranted) reaction that I avoid this word entirely. The concepts behind the term are crucially important & the understanding that a Level Playing Field is a MUST should be discussed Early-on.

    At issue here are the promises & level of committment that each of the parties is CAPABLE of making!

    Personally, there is only ONE type & ONE level of committment that I would even consider offering-up to the Next “Love of My Life” companion, and it goes something like this : YOU are the first priority in my life & you have my UN-divided attention. Your needs & well-being WILL come first in my life, well BEFORE any job, and certainly BEFORE the wishes of any other human being.

    And… when I get around to saying those words, I AM going to MEAN THEM!

    I think it should go without saying that I would NEVER utter these words to anyone who was not willing to offer the SAME in return. Quid Pro Quo.

    Your Father’s advice is fully accurate & well taken. Any parents’ first duty in life is to their children, as it should be. This is also why I’ll NEVER date anyone who has kids.

    Brad

    • So u mean ppl who’s having kids they don’t deserve to be loved?u must understand while were living there’s lot of challenges we a face.jst take as its happen to u u will b happy?

    • Hello,

      I recently broke up with someone I have known most of my adult life, and has quite the laundry list of baggage including a child from a previous marriage where he was abusive, as well as handling the burden of some of the, honestly, trashy decisions she made in the past and talked about like it was no big deal at times.

      I guess what I’m saying is I’m with you. She needs to be there for her kid and to work on herself, first and foremost. Our jagged edges wouldn’t line up as much as I would like them to have joined together. Different places in life altogether.

      While I’m glad I made the decision, I can’t help but constantly miss her and feel like an idiot at times for feeling like I blew this out of proportion and left her in the dust, miserable and lonely. What would you suggest I try and focus on about the factors of the relationship that didn’t work in order to overcome such a heartbreak? I lost my best friend, lover, and life partner.

      They say time is your best friend, and I really hope that’s true.

      Have a good one,

      “Jason”

  3. Your article (and your Dad’s sound advice) has made me feel much better about my own situation. I was dating a man who was separated with 6 children. I don’t have any children and was always a career girl until fairly recently. I thought I could handle the situation until I ended up having panic attacks! To cut a long story short I walked away and have become ultra picky about who I will and won’t date. I know everyone’s situation is different but you have to do what will make you happy and have the courage to walk away from a situation that you know is wrong.

    Ally

    • Hi Ally!! Sorry it took so long for a reply. Thanks so much for your comment! You are absolutely right, you have to do what will make you happy. That is so important! I’m glad you’re finding your happiness without all the baggage. :)

  4. Oh it certainly depends on the baggage and where you are at the time I think. I dated a guy with a kid when I was 22. In the end it turned out things didn’t work out but even though I was young him having a child didn’t bother me. Just recently, aged 25, I dated a guy who was going through a messy divorce and custody battle and that was too much baggage. I was in a happy, grounded place knowing where I was going and what I want from life. He was a mess, and I didn’t want to take on his problems and issues, he was relying on me totally to pick him up and help him through right from the very beginning and it was too much to take on. Now I’m in a pretty picky place and nobody I have met for the last 6 months has ticked enough boxes for me to make the move from dating to relationship.

    • Hey Lalli! I totally agree with you! I do believe it depends on your place in life, and also your growth in life. The older we get, the more we realize what we are willing or not willing to accept in dating. I used to be called picky, but I see nothing wrong with being picky. Some people are picky about what type of car or house they’ll buy, but when it comes to dating they’ll deal with whomever gives them the least bit of attention. Those who aren’t picky often end up unhappy. Thanks so much for your comment Lalli! I’m sure you’ll find someone who’ll tick most of your boxes. :)

  5. Your nasty comments are so typical for a black woman. Of course there is always the self proclamation of being “better” then others because you have conformed yourself to the pursuit of superficial material items. Such as the infamous ‘degree’ and of course the car and other non entities. You speak lowly of a man who obviously was having a difficult time. In this Great depression it is not easy for men. Especially if it is a black man. But you are so quick to condemn him for “not being up to your level”. So arrogant, elitist and hateful. So, so typical of your type. Perhaps you weren’t good enough for him? As a typical sell out, materialistic American woman. he may have seen you as not being worthy as a result of your inability to actualize real life. You feel so above men that you do not think of the fact that perhaps it is you and your (legendary black female) attitude of hate that may have turned him off. Absolutely worthless. I hope that you are happy with your degree. When markets crash lets see how valuable it is. Lets see how many men step up to provide for you when survival of the fittest becomes the norm. So worthless you are. But pretty typical.

    • Hi Sulu!!! Thanks so much for your comment! I have found a man who is a provider, and who loves my “typical” black woman traits. I may be pretty typical to you, but your words are pretty typical of a scorned woman/man (not sure). I may be worthless, but I live and breath happiness every day. I hope you find the same happiness. Again, thanks for your comment and continue to read!!! :)

      • Dont pay that clown any attention,im a black man that got on top of my game..that dude is just bitter because he probably got he is Broke,ugly and dumb….lol

      • I love this reply. Made my day to see a strong, smart woman laughing at someone trying to provoke her and break her down. Bravo.

      • Totally understand your feelings in the article. You are not wrong. We all have a right to what kind of life and partner we ever wanted. Plus if we can already forsee problems it will be stupid to jump from the pot into the fire. Some people will never understand this unless they experience it. Though people say Money cannot buy Love, they already so been to remember that in this expensive world Love cannot pay Bills either. Money issues can destroy a marriage equally as bad as some other problems. I once read that we marry to be happy and not just to take on the burden of the other person and become upset ourselves.

    • Man you are a Busta ..step ya game up and quit hatin..I got mine,get yours lil bitch

  6. I have a boy fd he wont marry caus i have a 14 yrs lof son.

  7. so i feel love lost to realistic. very sad.

  8. Stay away from baggage as long as you can. If there are children the ex will always be in the picture or always get alimony. Eventually, you will pay beyond your fair part to compensate. Relationships are difficult without other issues.

  9. I am in a relationship (my first) with a man who is twenty years older than I am and has four children with three different mothers , one of whom was his wife. He has lied and cheated on me from the inception of the relationship yet I feel the need to stick it out . Everytime that I think things will be better, I am reminded of his baggage through the outside interference of his children’s mothers which he prioritises. I do not want to interfere with his relationship with his children but I am not sure how much longer I can be in a relationship that consists of this type of baggage as it would be so great to be with someone who doesn’t have these other priorities . I would definitely recommend to anyone out there to NEVER , EVER get involved with a man with children from a previous relationship (s). You wont have your own life with him – at least that has been my experience.

  10. Thanks , I have just been searching for information approximately this subject for a long time and yours is the best I’ve found out so far. However, what concerning the bottom line? Are you certain about the supply?

  11. Hi, i read your blog from time to time and i own a similar
    one and i was just curious if you get a lot of spam feedback?
    If so how do you prevent it, any plugin or anything you can
    advise? I get so much lately it’s driving me insane so any help is very much appreciated.

  12. magnificent post, very informative. I wonder why the
    other specialists of this sector do not realize this.
    You should continue your writing. I’m sure, you have a great readers’ base already!

  13. hi. i am also in the same relationship. although when i started dating by boyfriend, it wasn’t that bad. but after a couple of weeks, his business have gone bad, his child’s mother wouldn’t give the child back to him and the mom and the child is in the US, we’re here in Asia,there’s a lawsuit against him and his business partners are betraying him and now his living paycheck to paycheck. ever since all of these problems appeared, we don’t talk a lot and see each other a lot anymore. because we’re long distance and he has to save money. i asked him if we should be breaking up, he said he doesn’t want to make decisions for now and he doesn’t want to drag me down to the mud with him while his life is getting crazy. what should i do? i told him i will wait for him to pull his life back together and we agreed to talk everyday on the phone or skype, but it didn’t happen. should i still wait or let go? btw, the last time he texted me, he told me he’ll come visit me and want to spend a couple of days with me before he leaves to the US

    • Hi Pinky!

      It appears that your boyfriend has a lot going on in his life right now, and for the sake of your relationship, it may be best to give him space to get things in order. It is not fair to you that he cannot devote the necessary time for you, and make you a priority at the moment. I can only imagine that you will begin to feel stress from his lack of attention, and thus he will feel stress from you. Things can get sticky. Having baggage is fine, but to be involved with someone while they are going through their baggage is a hard task; especially long distance. I would also suggest that you take a good look at your relationship to see if it is really what you think it is, what you thought it would be, and what you really want. Thanks for commenting!

  14. I just broke off a 15 month relationship with a guy who has 3 children from 2 prior marriages. Lots of baggage…Long story short…. It was only 2 weeks ago when I asked myself if I wanted to get to know his kids and deal with his controlling ex wife. Since this lifestyle(ex and kids) don’t jive with my lifestyle, it was a very clear decision…. the answer is “No Way”. I don’t even care to know his kids(since he hid them from me for 15 months because of his Ex). Instead of blaming him for all his baggage, all I have to do now is remind myself that his baggage does not suit my lifestyle at all. I told him I had a great time and walked away. It hurts so bad but I care for myself more…

    • I commend you Mary! Sometimes letting go is the hardest thing to do, but we know in our hearts what is best. Dating someone with baggage is definitely not for everyone, especially when there is an overbearing ex involved. And it seems that your ex has some issues to deal with before he is able to have a successful relationship since he hid the kids from you like you said. I agree with you that blaming him is unnecessary, and instead use the experience as a lesson learned. You’ll be just fine! Thanks so much for sharing!

  15. And take your time getting to know the man. Because if he doesn’t treat you right and with the respect you deserve, his children will learn to treat you the same way.

  16. not sure if this post is still going? but i have recently ended a 9 month relationship. his kids were getting violent to their father. stealing and the x wife wouldnt let up even showing up at the beach one day and hitting him. i felt like i was being neglected which in turn made me argue with him. he ended up ending the relationship and disappeared. i feel guilty for arguing.

    • Hi Lisa! It sounds like there are some deep issues that need to be resolved between your ex, his children, and his ex-wife. They are issues you should not have to deal with and I think the question you should ask yourself is why you feel guilty about arguing? I say take time to reflect on the relationship and whether or not it was worth the time and effort, then really assess what it is that you want in a relationship and see if all that drama is on your list. No relationship is perfect, but there are some things that have to be resolved before you get involved, and it seems like your ex and his family had some issues to resolve. Good luck Lisa and thank for your comment!!

  17. I am a single woman with an eight year old daughter and I am engaged to be married next year (2015). But, I have some concerns regarding my fiancé. He is a divorced man with a grown son, age 25. When I met him I disclosed to him that I had a child. My daughter is adopted, therefore, there is no baby father in the picture. He is a wonderful man and seems to get along with my daughter and my daughter absolutely adores him.

    My concern is that he constantly refers to my daughter as “baggage.” He grumbles all the time by saying, “Been there done that.” Meaning, he already raised a son and experienced fatherhood. He constantly tells me that I am fortunate that he “accepted” my daughter because he believes most men his age (52) would not accept a woman with a young child. My response was, “Love me love my child.” There are plenty of men who would love me with my child. Furthermore, I informed him that if a man is not interested in dealing with a woman with a child, then he would not be the “right fit” for the relationship. I also advised him (as if he did not know) that we are not indigents begging for someone to take us in.

    I am professional woman and I make a substantial living and I have been raising my daughter just fine without help from anyone. I live in a five bedroom house with lots of room for my daughter and myself. We are financially stable and we live a very comfortable lifestyle. It’s not like he will be taking on a financial burden when we get married. As a matter of fact, with our combined income we will have more money.

    Recently I was doing homework with my daughter and he said, “Wow! Homework I thought I was done with this? You got baggage.” I did not address it at the time because I am so tired of having to defend myself regarding the matter. I confronted him a couple days after he made the comment but he attempted to “flip the script” on me. He said, “By no stretch of the imagination do I constantly call your daughter baggage and I absolutely resent you saying that.” I advised him that every time he makes the statement “it stings like a bee.” And saying it one time is one time too many. I also told him that he has to take ownership for constantly making the derogatory comments in reference to my daughter.

    I am seriously contemplating calling off the wedding based on his grumbling, because he obviously has some underlying issues. I’m concerned that however he is feeling now will escalate after we are married.

    What are your views, thoughts and comments in reference to my dilemma?

    • Don’t marry this man. It will get worse and you must think of your daughter’s emotional well being. Also, is he in good shape financially? He may be looking to you to provide for him in retirement and doesn’t want to “share” with your daughter.

    • Hi Simone! Honestly I feel like you don’t need my advice at all because I assume after you wrote your comment, you may have an idea of what to do. If not, please re-read what you wrote. The answer to your question is all there in your words. The attitude your mate shows towards you and your daughter speaks volumes. I also think it is a concern that he is not acknowledging his remarks or true feelings about the situation. Either the both of your have a real conversation about your feelings and desires for a family, or the same pattern will continue and then later you may ask yourself was it worth it. Good luck and keep your daughter’s well-being and first.

  18. I’m reading everybody comments and I need some advice from people who have been in this situation. This guy I met he is 23 he seems charming, genuine, sweet and passionate about his feelings very in love with me but the only problem is he have 5 kids from 4 different babymoms but wants to attend college soon. Me I have no kids never been married, just graduated from college and now working in my profession and he wants to date but the only thing is that’s holding me back is his baggage. I don’t want to judge him because of his past but at the same time he have 4 babymoms and 5 kids and I know my parents will be very concern. Right now it’s a long distance friendship/relationship we live in the same state but like an hour and a half away. I have never been in this situation before. If he had one kid then yea I think I can handle that but 5 and never been married that’s a scary situation. What should I do???

    • Hi A.P.! The first thing you should do is ask yourself what you want and what is important to you in a relationship. What I mean is, are children a deal-breaker for you? To truly answer this question you must understand what dating a man with kids will look like presently and in the future. Also consider this, it sounds like regardless of children, the two of you may be in different places in your life right now, so is that a concern for you? There are so many facets to your situation, but the biggest one in my opinion is that he has 5 children by 4 women; he has a lot on his plate at only 23 years old, which makes me wonder if now is the time for him to be in a relationship? Furthermore, are you prepared to be his 6th priority because he already has 5, and we haven’t even counted the mother of his children yet. A lot to think about and I wish you luck in your decision. Whatever you decide, do not lose sight of your desires in a relationship and goals in life. Thanks for your comment!

  19. I see some great feedback here…so here it goes. I am a single, professional woman in her forties…never been married and no kids. I met a great guy with a ten-year-old daughter…she is now 12. We dated for a couple of years. I really care for his daughter and she cares for me. We talked about getting engaged and he asked me sooner than I expected. I said yes and we move in together. He would like to get married right away, but I told him it will be awhile because this is a huge adjustment. Fast forward three months later and I am quickly becoming unhappy. The problem is that he is too stressed out by finances and an ex-wife who makes really bad choices and is not a good mother. There is no schedule (they have 50/50 custody, but not through a court) and she is constantly making bad choices that I suffer dealing with. I expect that his daughter is top priority, but I need to be top priority ever so often and we need a couple of days together sometimes. But he lets the ex walk all over him. The past couple of weeks have been so stressful I have had headaches and stomachaches…after he continued to cancel us spending alone time together because of his ex’s social schedule. He made a bad choice in first wife and I am paying the price…taking on a ton of responsibility and not ever being put first. I am unhappy…but in a lease for another 9 months. Do I break it off when the lease is up?

    • Hi Pamela! I will never tell a person if they should leave their partner or not, but what I will do is help you see your situation from the outside looking in. It sounds like your mate has issues with putting his foot down with his ex-wife, which causes issues for you in your relationship. I suggest you bring all of your concerns to his attention, and I mean have a candid conversation with him; no holds barred. If he really hears you and agrees to work on things, then the next step is to have an action plan. He needs to think about it and tell you what his plan is going to be to address the issue. From there, give yourself a time frame to see if he is truly working on it. Change will not happen overnight, but you can tell when someone is genuinely working on making a change for the better. The flip side of that is if he is not willing to hear you out or does not see how his ex-wife’s inconsistencies hurt your relationship, then you have your answer. Whatever you decide, make the choices that will make you happy!! Best of luck and thanks for your comment!!

  20. I found myself reading your blog this morning. I too, like your followers is going thru the same thing. I’ve dated a guy with baggage before, the relationship lasted for a couple of years but it didn’t really work out because he was still on that “transition phase” and still wants to do things that no committed guy should do. I sticked on the relationship because i thought he would grow and mature, i took care of his baby and was so attached. It broke my heart when I finally decided that I’m better off without him and his babymama drama. Anyway, fast forward. I was single for a while and took that chance to better myself. Ive grown professionally and started traveling. I’m 25, no kids, living on my own and already planning to save money so I could get my own house soon. I wasn’t expecting to have a relationship anytime soon cause I keep on telling myself that my next should better be my last. I’m so done being used and getting hurt.

    Until I met this amazing man, he is everything I’ve dreamed of. Responsible, hardworking, affectionate and caring, except he is again, going thru that “transition phase”. He was with the mother of child for 12 years, they’ve been together since they were in highschool. They have two kids, one is 4 and the other is 8. He gave up everything for her, but she repayed it wth dishonesty and cheated on him with several men. She is very irresponsible and doesn’t even prioritize her childrens needs. She left and abandoned him and their children for another man. And this broke his heart and gave him a lot of trust issues and resentments.

    She recently just started to get back to the kids life, and he, as gentleman and chivalrous as he is, agreed on letting her have them twice a week (she’s living with another man who has children, so she cant have her own kids sleepover with her) But anyway, her childishness and foolishness stresses my man and everytime he vents on me, it makes me feel negative too. I try to be strong and to be patient, to understand him and push myself to my limits. But my experiences with my past already worn me out.

    I’ve nothing against the kid, they are angels and i adore and fell inlove with them the first time i met them. They love and care for me as much as i do to them. I’m more like a mom to them that their real mom.

    I know my man loves me. But i also know that he is going thru a lot right now. He is still full of anger and hatred towards his ex. He despised her. And that bothers me. I told him I cant wait for the day to come when he wont be affected anymore, where no matter what she does and say, it would mean nothing anymore.

    That was 12 years of his life right there.

    Im sorry for the long post, I guess I just want to vent this all out to someone who might be able to understand and help me see the good in this situation.

    I love him and Im willing to be there for him. Im just not sure if this what I should settle, I would never be his firsts. and he on the other hand would always be my first. He is amazing and is doing everything he can to make me feel wanted. And i do the same too.

    PS. we live 400miles away from each other so we only get to see each other twice a month. We have a good communication and would video chat everyday. I’m planning to move in his county by next year.

    • Hi Alica! Yes I absolutely understand your situation and I truly thank you for sharing. I think the biggest thing you have to be honest with yourself about is, you are in a relationship with a man who has children, and therefore a past that will not be forgotten. The children are with him forever and therefore those memories and present difficult circumstances with his children’s mother are with him. You have to determine if you can handle the circumstances. Imagine if the situation was different; the mother of his children was stable, they shared joint custody, and everyone got along. Does that make the situation more manageable to deal with or are you questioning the idea that like you said, he will be your first (marriage & children), but you are not his. I recommend really getting to the root of what truly bothers you about your relationship and your boyfriend’s circumstances. Is it the fact he is dealing with these issues with his children’s mother and the negativity, or is the fact that you are even dealing with this type of relationship at this point in your life? Once you can answer the root questions to yourself, it will put everything else in perspective. No matter what you do, make you happy!! Best of luck and thanks again for your comment!! :)

  21. Hi, im 22. Im dating a divorced man with one kid. Wev been dating for 3 years now. He is my first love. We live in a different country, 2 hours by plane. He was married for only 5months because he had to, the ex was pregnant and he wanted to be responsible for it. He tried to work out on his marriage but his ex was totally disrespectful of him and his family, his MOM especially which is so loving and sweet with me. He barely sees his kid. He sent money for the kid’s school, food, etc every month though. He’s not so stable in his career. He makes enough money to support himself, his mum, and 2 sisters. He is very responsible.

    The kid lives with his ex wife and his ex wife is crazy. I think, she’s still not over him or she’s just jealous that my man really loves me and wants to marry me and that he is very happy now and she is miserable. I met my man 5 years after his divorce. His ex did not contact him UNTIL she found out that he has a girl in his life which is me.

    The problem here is his crazy ex is posting old videos of my man and her, my man with his kid on Youtube and also posting photos on social webs. She wants the whole world to know that he is the kids father and her husband. Shed be posting quotes saying that im the homewrecker. Like what the hell, i met my man 5 years after they divorced. These things are really gettin on my nerve!

    However, i almost gave up on my relationship so many times but he never let go. He doesnt want to let go like ever cause he’s savin up to buy a house in my country and marry me. But he did say, if u want to be with me.. u have to accept my past.

    The problem now is its hard for me to accept that if i get pregnant, i want my kid to be his first kid. I want my wedding to be his first wedding. And i really dont want my kids to share their dad. Im so confused right now.. i love him so much maybe because he is my first boyfriend/love afterall. But part of me is telling me to let go.

    Please advice.

    Lisa xx

    • Hi Lisa! I read your comment and I can related to what you may be experiencing. My advice is that you have to determine what is important to you in your future family. You mention you do not want your children to share him and you want your wedding to be his first. Those words speak volume and I think you already know what you want in your future family. You want to be your mate’s first experience in life’s major experiences such as marriage and children. You have to ask yourself if you are willing to compromise these values for this mate, whom you will not be his first in those major life experiences. Are you okay with that? Also, entering the life of dating someone with baggage, you have to be accepting of his children and his history with their mother because he comes with a package. The question is, can you handle that??? Thanks for your comment!

  22. I am having a similar problem… I am 26 with two kids ages 7 and 5…. my kids dad lives in a different state. We have been broken up for a year…. I recently got back I’m thw dating scene. I met a guy a while ago that I like a lot… but…. He has 4 kids his ex….it’s not much the kids that bother me… it’s more so the ex…. she is thw typical problem ex….. they have broken up and gotten back together multiple times over the last 8 years and I am worried that with the way she uses the kids to mess with him that it will happen again…I feel like a hypocrite cause I went through the same stuff with my girls dad before… but I honestly don’t want to get deeper into a situation that will hurt more when something bad happens…. I have talked to him about this and he assures me him and his ex are over… but she still calls him wanting him back…. I want to give him a chance cause that’s what I would want… but then again… it just feels like to much….

  23. I just left a loving, sweet, loyal man because his life is a huge mess from his ex wife. I found out that they are only legally separated (not divorced as he claimed) and that he pays for half of the mortgage on the house where his ex, his son and her son from another marriage live. He pays for all of his son’s elite sport fees (nearly $6000) a year, as well as child support. This leaves him very little to live on – he can barely afford to buy himself food let alone new clothes or a decent car. His credit is ruined from some credit card fraud that his ex wife was involved in, and instead of pressing charges he accepted bankruptcy so that his son wouldn’t have a mother in jail. This means that any future together would mean that I would have to take care of things financially. Right now. we usually just stay home together. I find that I pay for a lot of things and have recently lent him $700 to pay some bills and buy groceries. Yesterday, I found out that his ex wife’s yearly entrance fees to the elite sport center where his son plays were not paid (the check bounced), and even though he is NOT legally responsible for paying those fees, he did anyway so that his son wouldn’t be suspended from play. I am not a materialistic person. I am a single mom who works really hard to own my own home and take care of my children. I buy my clothes at Target and could care less about name brands or fancy nights out. What forced me to leave was that measly $130 for the ex wife’s entrance fees. He pays a decent amount of child support for his son. I can even understand the high end sporting fees. Buy the mortgage and the bankruptcy were his choice and they were choices that were made to help his ex wife. What kind of future could I ever have with a man that would put himself in a terrible situation for another woman? He says he has done it all for his son, but that baggage is far heavier than that…Am I wrong to feel like our life together is doomed because of the choices he made for her?????

  24. I met a man online a few days before my birthday. He lives 4 hours away so I as stunned the after two phone conversations he would offer to drive down and take me out for my birthday. When he arrived I didnt initially find him attractive but we clicked like I never experienced , we had so much in common , Long story short , I slept with him on the first night and I had no regrets. You see I’m the one with baggage , I had a broken heart. A miscarriage a year before, a failed verbally abusive relationship and I just wanted to feel good. I thought it was one night. But he liked me and I liked him too , he drove to see me twice a week , a four hour drive. He was so sweet and successful too but it wasn’t long before those insecurities of mine came out. It was almost like I didn’t feel I deserved this. I didn’t trust him even though he gave me the keys to his house after one month , I called him all times of night , called him a liar on several occasions , I even called him a coward , one night after he didn’t return my call. He decided he didn’t want to see me anymore. He told me I will always be his greatest disappointment. I am so ashamed of my behavior , I tried to talk to him for a month but he never spoke to me again. My heart will never heal from what could’ve been. I can not stop thinking about him.

  25. This article really hit home for me. I have been with my fiance for 2.5 years, but his baggage is definitely overwhelming that love. I have tried, I really have, to accept the ex-wife, the mountain of debt from her, her constant trouble-making with the kids, and supporting him emotionally through all his struggles. We have had open discussions on this for years and he keeps promising that it will get better, but after seeing very little accomplished after our time together…I don’t know if I believe it. It will take him a long, long time to dig himself out of the hole he was in after his divorce 5 years ago…long enough where I will have to delay my life and my goals for at least 2 more years. I want children of my own and I want a man who can enjoy that with me – I worry he will be distracted by the drama his ex-wife causes. I am on the edge of a very hard decision and I’m not sure what to do. I love him so very much (and I also love his amazing kids!), but I wonder if love is enough? His past dominates his present, and I don’t see where I fit in. I have really struggled to accept him for all that he is and deal with the baggage, but I don’t think I have it in me. We’re planning on getting married soon, so I have to decide if this is truly the path I want to go down. Classic head-and-heart struggle, :(

  26. What I love about this thread is that it has given me the opportunity to realise how lucky I am to have been dumped 2 weeks ago! I’m an older woman (52) and had met someone my own age but with 3 daughters aged 9,12 & 15. My kids are adults (22 & 19) but still live at home & we are still big parts of each others lives. I came out of 23 year marriage 2 years ago & this guy my first new relationship.

    I had only been dating for 6 months but things had gone well and I felt that this could be long term. Having said that I also felt that his house was his house,rented, and mine is mine, & I own it & I felt that that we wouldn’t move into together for at least the next 2 years. I wanted my kids to have time to plan their next moves as adults & then he & I could get a place.

    Apparently the reason he dumped me (at 4.30 am by text) was because I was too independent, I didn’t have enough time for him, he wanted a 24/7 relationship and some more akin to the Brady Bunch. He was upset that I didn’t want to spend Christmas Eve at his house with him and his kids so to be there Christmas Morning. Umm..I’m dating him not his kids…oh and this all came out afterwards.

    As I was saying, what has struck me is the financial toll this relationship would have taken on me over the years to come. The whole ex thing, the times when his, eventually all, teenage daughters will come between us etc etc. So thanks to my recent Ex. You did me a massive favour.

  27. Odense, Denmark

    Odense, Denmark

    Its’s so much positive energy around me again. I haven’t felt like this for months, maybe years. And now when they broke up and she calling me to get back together and all..WOW I am so happy.all thanks gose to d.rrivershebalisthome the spell caster who help me out if you need his help also contact him email address.d.rrivershebalisthome@gmail.com thank you so much doctor

  28. Thank you sooooo much for this article. For the past month I have been conflicted with my own feelings and emotions, but your article gave me a sense of utter relief.
    For the past 15 months I was in a relationship with a man who was 35 years old and had 7 (Yes I said SEVEN) kids from 5 different women. I had known this man for years and originally I was okay with everything. As the relationship went on, I learned more and more about him that he did not tell me up front. For example, he is still technically married but has been separated for years. He had several jobs when we first got together but eventually I was the one supporting the both of us and two of his kids on top of my own son. Then there is the fact that he likes to flip his problems so that the world is against him instead of taking responsibility for his own life and choices. About a year into the relationship, I began asking myself what on earth I was doing. I loved this man, but everyday with him was so much negativity and drama. he continuously compared me to his exes, he would get mad over little things I did and blow them way out of proportion (because not telling me you’re still technically married is a small thing right???) and then he began using my past against me.I should have gotten out then, but I stayed because I thought his love for me was as strong as mine was for him.
    To this day, I will never truly know if he even loved me, or stayed because it was a free meal ticket. And it was about a week after I told him no more and that he needed to get a job and handle his business that he left me. It hurts, and I cry sometimes, but I also think about all of the financial, emotional and physical baggage that this man came with and how I can finally breathe.
    He still contacts me and blames me for the things that are wrong with his life now. Like how he is struggling financially. I just tell myself “not my problem anymore” because he should have had his business taken care of whether I was in his life or not.
    And my final realization? He will never be able to have his business taken care of and will always blame others for his problems. And I, I will one day find a man who has his business taken care of, with no drama and who doesn’t have multiple kids from different baby mamas.
    Again, thank you for this article!!!

    • Hi Missundastood! First let me congratulate you on doing YOU!! So often women settle or get stuck in relationships that leave them drained and stressed. We deserve more so I am happy that although you love him, you love yourself enough to let him go. I’m glad my article helped you realize that you are not alone and a lot of women have been through the same thing. I love your confidence that you will “find a man who has his business taken care of, with no drama…” because with that optimism you will definitely find him or he will find you. Life goes on and I am so happy to hear you are free and chose to live your best life!! Take care and thanks so much for your comment!!

  29. What would you do if your man has 3 children and two ex wives that he’s been sleeping with on and off since they divorced?

  30. I am in a relationship with a 53 year old man who has a ten year old daughter his ex is 36. he has 50/50 custostody so he dont have to pay child support. she workd second shift so everyday and every other weekend he has her. she will not eat anything I make so he takes her to a fast food place. I am not alowed to disipline her and she weighs 145 pounds at 10. she gets Ipads cell phones and anything she wants. he has to leave work all the time to pick her up on the bus so I have to contribute all of my money to the house. he told me she comes first and someday he will marry me. well last week I packed my things and got my own place. he kept the nice home and I got a dump. he said we should keep dating and stay with each other until I get counciling, he calls me sybil. Now that im gone he only calls me when she is not there and wants me to sleep over, booty call. he has no idea were I even moved to. he said when she turns 13 she will be able to stay home since she does not want to be with him anyway. he never calls me its like im the one chasing him. he never buys me anything its all what i can do for him like cook and clean. the leases is under both our names and i cant say i don’t love him because I do I just want a commitment after being toghether for 18 months. im not getting any younger at 52 and my kids are grown. should i end this now or give him an ultimatime. He also said it’s best this way living apart his daughter is happier and he can spend more time with her, he already made plans for the whole summer which i am not included. should i just call it quits, cry get over it. and move on.

  31. Hi I am in a 3 yr relationship and carrying a lot of baggage as my boyfriend has an ex wife & 2 children and I feel that he’s giving in to them with a big lump some of money and he’s not standing by me as I totally disagree with what he’s doing! His kids get everything they ask for as that’s the way they have been brought up and there has been no discipline at all! Just wanting to know am I right to get annoyed with him?? Any replys would be greatly appreciated! Thank you!

  32. I’m in a relationship where I feel highly disrespected. My significant other have three kids outside the one we have together. Long story short. He works away from home on a boat for four to six weeks at a time and I’m left of course to take care of our responsibility, which will be done with or without him because I’m a Mother first before anything. Anyway, when he comes home, he’s boring and don’t do anything with me. When he do suggest something its not genuine because he basically suggest things due to the fact I’ve said something. So of course I say no. However, he live about eight hours from his kids and rarely gets to see them due to his job. Lately, he been mentioning them coming up for summer after they were just here for Spring break. I don’t mind them coming at all, but where’s your time with me? Besides that, his children and their Mothers along with his parents are disrespectful. They have never called me and asked is it okay for the children to come stay with us or even just say thank you for looking out for my kid. His oldest is 12 and the child stay with my significant other parents. So you would think his Mother would at least had sense to say something. She hates me and our my son though. They have never seen my son by the way and my son is four. It’s like my son is nothing to them and I promise I’ve never done anything them. So yeah it hurt my feelings for a long time and I eventually got over it because I know I never did anything to anybody. His parents are also church affiliated. Pastor and first lady, so you know they some hypocritical people right? They also have his other two all the time. The Mothers ever have their children. I’m being punished because I’m a good Mother I guess.

    Getting to my point. We had a little shouting match last night when he mentioned his kids coming back up. I told him they would not be coming here because I’m tired of being disrespected. I’m tired of being the bigger and better person. I’m not winning. Of course he said I’m wrong and he entitled to that, but he’s also the wrong in all this mess. He let this whole mess continue to be messy and I’m just at a breaking point. My family has never disrespected him or been rude to him, but I receive all of that on his end and I’m not the one with the baggage, but it’s like as if I’m the one with the baggage. I put up with his lies, his parents and baby mothers. He have zero mess from me. He’s winning! I didn’t mention when I was pregnant how one baby mother found me on Facebook and said all kinds of stuff to me during my first trimester. She use to really upset me and til this day, I don’t know if she was lying or telling the truth. The only thing he could suggest is I deactivate my Facebook page. I shouldn’t had to deactivate my page cause of something on his end, but I did because I was just tired of the situation. He also talk to them when I’m away from him. He’s never been around me talking to them. Everything is just weird. I have heard him on the phone with his Mother and I’ve never heard ask about her grandchild, which kind of bothers me because my son is my world.

    Am I wrong for saying no to the kids coming? I told him if he don’t like it, when he get off the boat we can separate because I’m not going through this mess any longer. I’m getting older and wiser and my time is too precious to waste. The time I’m putting in on him thinking it’ll get better could be use on somebody better hopefully.

  33. When I was 25 years old I met a man who was 33 and divorced with 1 son. His son stays over with him every other weekend. I was smitten by this man because he was good looking and very attentive. We got engaged 3 months later, and married 3 months after that. In retrospect, if I could live my life over again, I would never have married this man.

    First of all, what turned out to be attentiveness is in fact insecurity, clinginess and lack of independence. A 33 year old man living with his parents without a car of his own should have been my first clue. He also has emotional/anger problems which I only realized he had after we got married. Additionally, his family is very controlling, especially his mom who has a say in everything we did.

    The other issue is his “baggage” when it comes to his ex-wife and son. This is my biggest issue right now. The above issues have been alleviated with medication and marital counselling. But the outside interference of his ex-wife and his son, whom he prioritizes above all else, will be never go away.

    When we were first dating, the fact that he had a child wasn’t an issue to me because I love kids and I get along well with them. But as time went on and we are trying to establish our own home and family together, it became a bigger and bigger problem. He gives a quarter of his paycheque to his ex-wife, and gives them extra money every time they ask. This wouldn’t be an issue if he could afford it, but we are just getting by and we barely have any food in our fridge.

    I feel foolish and naive for having married him. While some things have improved, some things will never change. I now know he will never prioritize me or our son first. I guess I am still in this relationship because I have “baggage” now (we have a son together) and I don’t want to face picking up the pieces.

    This is a great article. You are lucky you have a dad who gave you such great insight and advice. For any woman who is considering a relationship with a man with “baggage,” see if he is willing to prioritize you first and give you what you deserve. If not, run for the hills before you get weighed down by too much baggage.

  34. Hi, I really need help asap please, I’m in a relationship for the past 6 months, and I will say we’ve had some great times together. I have a son from my previous relationship and my boyfriend has 2 kids, well they have a life of their own and don’t really mix with our lives, there is no issues whatsoever with them. My biggest issue is that when we started to date, as we got to know each other more, he was upfront and honest about his situation which is having his ex partner as business partner, she is not his kids mother. He made it clear that it will take time for them to split shares and go separate ways with d business. He puts time, attention and care to my son and I and involves a lot with my family and friends, he’s very supportive of me and wants me to have my own dreams of a business estanlished as well. I cannot complain of his attention to me. But recently I found out that his ex partner/business partner gets annoyed by our social and public displays, I thought that probably he still entertains her love relationship wise, I address the issue to him and he said that all of that is taking time to decrease, I feel he hasn’t fully let go of her love relationship wise, he admitted that he’s decreasing with her in that area as much cordial as he could for the fact to prevent any lawsuits disagreement due to having the business together 10 years now. I said I will give him a break to deal with it on his own because it’s uncomfortable for me, I felt lied at the same time but he insists on us being as honest as possible on the situation which is our only issue in our relationship. I somehow have become insecure about this and feel like a love triangle. I see his genuine attention and the gentleman he is but I can’t help thinking there are feelings between them still and obviously. What should my reaction be here?????

  35. sulu, you are a racist woman take a good look at yourself biatch!

  36. my girlfriend and i spilt up because she was stressed 6 mths ago wants too give it another go but now on her ex s facebook page not happy about this she has a son from him i have twins from her hellllpppppp i hate her ex

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 55 other followers

%d bloggers like this: