Updating Your Dating Pool


How do I update my Dating Pool??

So, I am single (again) and Loving it!!! 34 yr. and a professional… But I realized that I need to improve my dating pool… meaning…meet a different caliber of Guys. I want to meet professionals that are established in their careers and able to have fun and knows that “Applebees” is NO longer an appropriate Date Spot….

How do you do this?….. Suggestions???

Ms. Ready to Mingle

‘Ms. Ready to Mingle’ sounds a lot like me. Newly single, ready to mingle, but mingling with less-than desirable men. You posed a great question, “How do I update my dating pool?” I’ve personally avoided and struggled with this question. It’s one of those things where you know what you need to do to change circumstances, but either you don’t have the urge or energy to do it. However, it sounds like you, ‘Ms. Ready to Mingle,’ have the urge and willingness to get out there. My suggestions may have already been attempted or they may be brand new, either way updating the dating pool is not easy. We have to do the opposite of whatever we are doing now, to add variety to the pool. I have three suggestions to expand the pool, and number one is crucial. (Let me be clear that as I talk to you, I am talking to myself :))

1) Reflect on your habits and recognize what YOU are doing wrong

This may sound like I’m putting the blame on you, and you’re right! The change starts within! You are to blame if we continue to add the same ingredients to the pot. So for example, you’d like to meet a different caliber of men, so that means you have to do a better job of filtering men. It’s easy to date the same type of men because it’s habit. Habits must die in order for change to happen. Reflect on how, where, and under what circumstances you meet the men who think “Applebees” is an appropriate date spot. Is it a vibe that you give off, or is he giving you clues early on, which tell you he’s an “Applebees” kind of guy. Of course I mention “Applebees” because it was mentioned, but it’s much deeper than “Applebees.” You know what type of man you want to date, so be observant of what type of men you attract. Observe what type of man he is from the time he says “hello,” and how he says “hello.” A man’s approach tells a lot about him. You can’t be too judgmental from “hello” and limit your options too much, but be clear of what your attraction is to the man. If it’s solely based on looks, then you can’t be mad if he takes you to “Applebees,” but if you like his humor or charisma, then he might be worth adding to your pool. Be mindful of your current dating patterns, and try not to fall into the same rut.

2) Take your time in life

How often do you slow down? As a single professional woman (especially if you have a child/children), you probably rush through the little things in life. It may sound silly, but it’s true. Recently I’ve discovered that there are some FOINE (that’s ‘fine’ with a twist) men at the grocery store. Seriously!! Whether they are single or not, I don’t know, but just the idea that there are options is enough. People have it stuck in their head that they’ll find a mate at the club or at some event. In all actuality it may happen at anytime during your daily routine. I’m not a believer in hunting for a mate, but I am a believer in “when it’s meant to be, it will be.” Sometimes love hits you when you least expect it. You may not meet your next mate during a girls-night-out at the club, but rather you may meet him at the mall, grocery store, post office, etc. When you can, slow down in your day-to-day tasks and live in the moment. When you’re in a rush you walk fast, talk fast, think fast, and men may find it hard to catch up.

3) Be open-minded and venture into new territory

I’ll admit number three is a hard one for me. To meet a different caliber of men, we have to be open-minded to new places and new routines. I imagine most people, get into a routine with our extra-curricular activities. During your free time, you do the same things, go to the same places, and see the same people (or different people, but the same types). You have to expand your horizons, and that may mean doing things by yourself. That last comment was hard to say because I sure don’t do it! I find it hard to go places by myself, but I’ve also noticed that if I don’t do it by myself, I’m further limiting my experiences and opportunities. For example, if I want to go to a movie, but my girls either don’t want to or they can’t, I tend to stay in the house. What’s stopping me from going to the movie by myself? What’s stopping you? In certain situations you have to consider doing things on your own, especially if you have friends who have different lifestyles than you (sole-custody single parent, married, or in a relationship). Their Friday or Saturday night availability may be totally different from yours. Of course as women we have to be careful and make wise decisions about where we go on our own, but we have to at least be open to the idea. The more time spent in the house, is more time spent isolated. The more you are out and about, the more opportunity you have to meet different people. You have to get out and put yourself out there that your single and ready to mingle!

A friend of mine, Travis Williams, recently said “Successful women are always getting compliments, but never getting dates. Tragic.” He couldn’t be more right, but as a woman, you have to do a better job at making yourself available to the men you want to attract. I can say that because I know I’m not doing everything I could be doing. So thank you ‘Ms. Ready to Mingle,’ and let’s work on getting our groove back!!

*What’s your dating pool like?

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9 comments

  1. Great suggestions. Although I am not looking to date I would say expand and diversify yourself and the people you hang with. Not sure if you only date only your race but I have decided to step out and it has been a blast. Here are a few options that we hardly ever look into: If you are into physical fitness: Bike clubs, running clubs, Zumba class, Sports games. Professional: Join the organizations that you are a professional in for example MBA Society, Social Work Society, etc..

    Now you mentioned the movies: Go to a different movie theater. Strolls in the park, Meet up groups who do what you like or desire to do. In order to change the caliber of people you are attracting go to the places you desire to be taken. Take yourself to dinner, have a glass of wine…you just never know.

    Start with doing something different by yourself once a month and you will be surprised!

    1. You’re absolutely right…”diversify yourself and the people you hang with.” Your suggestions are great, except for the Zumba class LoL. Is Zumba for straight men??? I’m joking (but seriously)… I get your point.though 😉
      It’s important for women and men who are updating their pool, to engage in activities that actually interest them. I’ve seen plenty of women get dressed up for an NBA game, but their interest is to look for a man rather than follow the game. Don’t necessarily join certain activities for the hunt, rather join because you enjoy it and eligible men and women may happen to be there.
      I agree dating outside your race can add to your dating pool. Personally I tried it once and it was too much of a cultural difference. That was years ago though, but since than I haven’t been attracted to anyone outside my race, enough to date. To each his/her own, which is why updating one’s dating pool takes inner reflection. Know what you do and don’t like, know your dating patterns, lifestyle, and make necessary changes from there.

      Great suggestions!! Thank you!

  2. I think your suggestions are GREAT… and one’s that i have given some consideration too…. I will do them ALL… in time. I think I’ll start with Speed Dating….LOL!

  3. Yes speed dating…something I’ve wanted to try for a while, but I can’t find one with the demographic I am interested in. I’ll keep looking, but in the meantime let me know how your experience is!
    By the way, thank you for putting a pep in my step. Lately I haven’t had the desire to “get out there.” I’ve either been too busy or I wasn’t bothered by my slumping dating life, so thanks for the push. 🙂

  4. Hi Rasia,

    I agree with ALL of your advice & have to admit that points #1 & #3 continue to be HUGE stumbling blocks for me! It’s hard breaking out of a ‘rut’, especially if you’re both a workaholic & sort of a homebody. I’ve spent HUGE amounts of time & money making my home the ideal atmosphere… and it’s not easy giving that up in order to hang out in some noisy club.

    I have to add a little perspective to the earlier commentary. I’m 55 and I’ve seen this play-out WAY too many times!

    I know plenty of nice guys, some of them millionaires, who routinely eat breakfast at McDonalds. It’s not because they’re cheap, tasteless or have no class, it’s just an easy way to grab a quick breakfast… or lunch. And YES, many of these guys would think that Applebees is an ok place for a casual date. There’s nothing wrong with that.

    I can also tell you that MOST of the flashy dudes driving Ferraris and hangin’ at the most expensive clubs in town are… FLAT BROKE! Many of them work a day job selling cars… at pretty close to minimum-wage. Their boss forces them to dress-up & tells them they will sell more cars if they look like a bigshot… even if that Rolex is a fake & the suit was $15 at Goodwill.

    Anyone who is looking for a Long-Term Relationship ought to be thinking about the roles played by financial stability & good judgement.

    Brad

    1. Brad I’m in the same boat as you…I too have put so much effort, time, and money into making my place my ideal hang out spot. When I was younger I would never consider myself a homebody, but now I am and I have to make an effort to get out there and mingle.

      In regards to your Applebees comment, I agree with you, but I think mine or “Ms. Ready to Mingle’s” comments may have been misconstrued. The Applebees comment wasn’t all about money, rather about dating diversity. I’m definitely not the type who is all about the money, (especially since Olive Garden and IHop are a couple of my favorite restaurants), but it’s nice to have a little variety in your pool. It is frustrating to date men who do the same things. How many times can you go to dinner (at the same establishments) and a movie? You definitely can’t judge a person my their dining choices, but when the dining choices become routine, it gets old.

      But I totally agree with you…there are a lot of men (and women) who flaunt materialistic possessions, but are in debt way beyond their means.

  5. When folks talk about special occasions like birthdays & anniversaries, they often include a familiar sentiment…”It isn’t the gift, it’s the THOUGHT that counts!” Truer words were never spoken.

    Quality Relationships are ALL about how you both FEEL when you’re together, and the exact circumstances or surroundings rarely matter much.

    The old TV show “Gunsmoke” offered-up some GREAT little cameos of what a relationship SHOULD be with the interaction between Matt Dillon & Kitty Russell. These two people were constantly making tiny little gestures with HUGE meaning behind them! Kitty frequently offered to buy Matt a drink at her saloon (a miniscule offer from a wealthy woman). What she was REALLY saying was more like…”I’d love to have your company, come on over & spend some time with me.” Matt often ‘upped-the-offer’ by agreeing to buy Kitty dinner that evening at Delmonico’s restaurant. What he was really saying was…”I’ll not only spend some time with you right now, but I’d sure like to spend even MORE time with you later!”

    These people didn’t have an exotic life or glamourous places to go… and they didn’t need any of that. They had something FAR more meaningful in the simple pleasure of each other’s company.

    And… that is just as true today as it was in 1870.

    Brad

  6. Thanks to international dating, an American man like me can expand his dating pool.

    I can meet so many lovely and genuine women in Colombia, Ukraine, Philippines, etc.

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