Dealing With The Baby-mama


I sooo dislike the term ‘baby-mama,’ but it’s become the staple meaning of an out-of-wedlock single mother. For the purposes of this post, however, divorcee’s are included under the term ‘baby-mama.’ ‘Baby-mama drama’ is the term used to describe the angry, bitter, heart-broken out-of-wedlock single mother. Both terms create hesitation on the part of a woman dating a man with a baby-mama and /or baby-mama drama. The hesitation develops from the understanding that along with the man, comes the kid(s) and the baby-mama. Women are very territorial with their men, so it takes an understanding woman to date a man with a baby-mama. Most women are less concerned about the kid(s), and are more concerned about the woman who will be apart of their lives for at least eighteen years. I’ve been the girlfriend of a man with a baby-mama and baby-mama drama. It is no easy task depending on how intense the drama is, but I have a few Do’s and Don’ts to share with you.

1) Don’t Get Involved in the Baby-mama Drama: It is only natural that a man will probably vent to their current woman about the qualms and disagreements between he and his baby-mama (I really hate this term). Your role at this point is to be a support to your man, not a coach. Listen and be attentive to his emotions, but don’t “egg him on.” The issues with the mother of his chid or MOC (much better) is his battle to fight, and your battle to be supportive of. You can make helpful suggestions, but leave the negative comments in your mind where they started.

2) Don’t Be Naive: It is important to understand early in your relationship that you and the MOC may not get along. Be prepared for the worse and hope for the best. Remember the not so funny sitcom “All of Us,” based on the relationship between Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith, and Will’s ex-wife? The new wife and the ex-wife eventually became friends and everything was peachy-keen. Yeah that may not happen to you, so be ready if ish hits the fan!

And finally…

3) Do-Let Your Man Handle It: If the MOC is constantly interfering in your relationship, let your man handle it. I touched on this before when I said it’s your man’s battle to fight. For example, if the MOC is being an instigator, bad-mouthing you, or being disrespectful, your man should handle it. I’m not saying don’t stick up for yourself, but your man should have already had the MOC in check! He should put her in her place long before she even gets to you. The more you entertain her shenanigans, the more she will feel like she’s winning. Furthermore, if he is not controlling the situation, then the MOC and her drama will be a constant problem in your relationship. Don’t let her win!

*Check out the Video Pick of the Week, Jill Scott’s “Gettin’ In The Way,” in the sidebar.

 

Advertisements

54 comments

  1. Great post.
    Which pretty muchs sums it up as one of my stronger personal preferences of not getting involved with a man with a child/ren.

    1. Thank you Nekole! Finding a man 30 and over without children seems rare, unfortunately, but I can accept a man with a child. I don’t know about more than one child though. I’ve been there, done that, lol.

  2. so true words to live by, when I was married I talked with exhusbands’ daughter mother one time, we discussed haircare, and views of discipline, I would punish when needed, and follow ex’s view on no spanking, after that talk if she had any issues when daughter stayed with us she was to address to him, if he agreed with her he would talk to me, when they had blowups I stayed out of it, we were respectful toward each other if we were at birthday parties, and recitals, when she got married had to remind exhusband to stay out their household he could not dictate relationship with her stepfather as long as child is not endanger they have their way and we had ours

    1. You brought up a good point about reminding your ex-husband to stay out of the household of his ‘baby mama.’ I guess it’s an adjustment for all parties involved. It would be interesting to hear a man’s perspective on dealing with the stepfather and/or the ‘baby daddy.’

  3. Thanks so much!!!! I’m dating a man who I care very much about with some baby mama drama…I’m being very supportive of him, but this helps me understand it a lot more.

    1. Hi Alison! I’m glad you found the post helpful. The best thing a woman can do in this situation is to be supportive to her mate, but also be smart. I hope you continue reading and happy holidays to you!!

  4. Yeah, this isn’t easy. What about a situation where the new girlfriend is 20 and the man with kids is 29/30? Then his baby mama (MOC) is also near 30 and thinks she can talk down on the girlfriend. Ugh, advice?

    1. Hi JJ! Thanks for your comment! Your situation sounds very unpleasant, but the key to resolving this issue is to have a very serious conversation with the MOC. Don’t create tension with the MOC, but you have to make it clear she has to respect your current girlfriend. Approach her calmly, but let your words be stern. Also, it might help to use the concept ‘if the shoe were on the other foot.’ Try explaining to her how uncomfortable it is if she were in your position. The matter definitely needs to be addressed, but it is for you to address and not for the girlfriend to address. So I recommend to handle it before your girlfriend reaches her breaking point. It has to be hard for your girlfriend, regardless of age, to be disrespected…especially by your ex. Take all feelings into consideration. I hope you find this helpful. Happy Holidays!!

  5. Hello, I been living with my boyfriend for a year. Things went pretty fast, I say this because we didn’t date long before we moved in together. He has 3 kids! lol. My issue here is he dosen’t put his foot down when he has to. I sometimes feel he feels that by keeping MOC and kids happy is 1st then me. We have already talked about it many times but each time is just a “sorry, I will make sure it dosen’t happen again” I am just getting so tired of this 😦

    1. Hello “Sick and Tired”
      I understand your frustration because of course I’ve been there before. Please do not take offense by my words, but when dating a man with children you are NOT his priority. So if he feels the MOC and his children are 1st, he is absolutely right! That does not mean you are not a priority to him, but you are not his 1st priority. So as the girlfriend of a man who has children, you have to live with it. However it is the responsibility of your boyfriend to keep the peace between you and the MOC. He may not want to be the middle man, but he has to get the MOC to understand you are a part of his life now. He too has to set boundaries with her; boundaries for her and him. It’s important for him to balance time with his children and you as well. I’d be lying if I said it will be easy, but this will be an obstacle to overcome in dating a man with children. I hope this helps & keep me posted! Happy Holidays!!

      1. Thank you for responing back. Oh, and no offense taken at all. It’s just that this is my 1st relationship with a man with kids. I have no kids and was used to dateing men without kids, So it’s really hard at time’s for me and I’m sure for him too. I knew I was going to have to deal with things like this from the beginning. I guess what happened as well that really frustrated me and thanks to the other stories here I know now I was wrong was… I tired to help him giving him advise (at 1st) with dealing with MOC not bossing him around anymore. But, then it truned into me actually telling him what to do. So, when he didnt do it or only once, that’s when the Hulk in me would come out. lol… We have the kids every other weekend. So I guess it’s not that bad at all, it could have been worse. Right? He is a really great man and father. I Know he tries SOOO hard to keep me happy. Thank you for the eye opener. Your right, his kids should be his 1st and only priority. I better make it up to him today 😉 lol Once again thank you for this helpful website. Happy Holidays!

      2. Hey Diana! You’re very welcome and it sounds like you have a man who loves you and is trying to balance. Thanks for your comment and I hope you continue to read. Happy New Year!! 🙂

      3. I actually disagree. The child is his first priority as his child. And you are his first priority as his girlfriend. If you become pregnant, you are and should be, of the same importance if not more (actually) than his BM. Simple facts.

      4. I like your advice for a girlfriend, but what would advice would you give to a wife in this same situation? I wouldn’t necessarily agree for a wife, because his priority shouldn’t be the baby and the mother of the child, but instead the baby and the wife. Agree?

  6. What if the MOC is making passes at your boyfriend and being sneaky an your man said he handled it but not like a real man stands up for his woman what do you do how can you trust him or anything they do or talk about.?

  7. I am 20 years old and I’m dating a guy with a daughter who just turned 1…and him and his baby mama relationship is well and he told me that in 3 years he might have another kid with her for his little girl. Should I stay or leave ASAP? I’m literally playing house with him if you ask me. I think I’ve put up with with so much because I never met someone like him who has done so much for me and I’ve grown so much with his help. Should I just be friends or just drop him. I know I’m in denial about our situation I just want another point of view and some advice on what is the best way to go about it.

    1. Hi Taj! Thank you for your comment. Where should I begin… By no means am I judging you, but I have to keep it real with you that your relationship sounds like a mess. You are with someone who makes it clear he wants to have another baby with the mother of his child. What about you? He is blatantly letting you know that he has a plan and future for the mother of his child, but no plan and future for you. Are you supposed sit on the sidelines while he and his ex conceive the baby? It’s a mess!! Woman to woman, open your eyes. People show you who they are by their actions and words and he told you who he is with that statement. You say he’s done so much for you, but in the same sentence you say you’ve put up with so much. It’s a mess!! It’s best to take a step back and really look at the relationship; the past, present, and is there a future? You have a lot of life to live and the last thing you should do is waste time on someone who does not make you a priority. Love yourself enough to walk away. I hope this helps Taj…best of luck to you!

  8. I and my boyfriend have a 2 yr old together. We have been together for 4 years we separated for 5 months and he had a baby with another female. We live together and the other mother lives 3 hours away so when he visits he comes back but the last time the mother had surgery and asked him to see about his daughter that was fine but I have a problem with him cause he stayed. He says it’s nothing wrong with it cuz it’s about his child BUT I FEEL LIKE IT’S WRONG AND Disrespectful!! He should either stay at a hotel with his daughter or bring her back home. Is it wrong or right for him to stay?

  9. Hi,

    I recently started dating someone who is living with his baby mother. She has literally drained this man and made him depressed. He actually sees a therapist once a week. They were together for eight years and had a child. They have been together for ten years now. So I already knew what it was before hand. The on n off relationship… The arguments the nagging. We had met before Xmas and instantly fell. We spent nye together and the messages she sent him confused me because he told me they were done. Apparently, this chick has some issues with the word no…and him being done. Until hr brought me home. Now…its his house..he inherited it…they are no longer done and he informed her that she was a tenant and if she doesn’t like that he is in s new relationship she could move to the second floor..problem with that is her son is on the third floor. So..that didn’t happen. So he wants to move me in…only problem is..she wants me on the second floor or I can’t be there….. WaaaaaaaIT. Its my mans house right??? This girl has literally turned him into a baby…he can’t even make decisions on his own. She wants him to put her name on the house.. Give her the car…like he feels he owes her something because of his son. So I’m moving in the house… Only because I make him happy and he can actually eat and not be stressed
    .but my question is…how do I support him and build him back up without taking heat from her.?

    1. Hi Confused and Worried! I hate to say it, but this situation sounds like a mess. The mess is with the baby mother, however your man takes ownership in the mess too. Understand that you can’t build a man’s backbone, you can only support him. You will have to come to terms with the fact that baby mother hold reign in your man’s heart, mind & apparently the house. There is no reason why they live together. I understand they have a son but there has to be an alternative. If they are in fact not together and live together, and now you’re moving in, think about how confusing that is for the child. It just seems to be a lot going on and if you are okay with taking the backseat to their awkward relationship, then fine,but don’t move in thinking you’re going to change things or change his outlook on things. He needs to take care of his situation; that is not your responsibility. Keep in mind too that if you get in the middle, nine times out of ten, especially based on the current situation, you will not win; baby mother will. Take time to think about what you really want out of a relationship and that will help you deal with the matter at hand. I hope this helps. Thanks for your comment!

  10. I know this is super old but if you are still providing advice I would love some right now. I have been in a relationship for the past 2 years with someone I love. He has 4 kids and i have none…yikes! Now, i like to think im a smart girl, so i had an understanding coming into it that his kids are #1 obviously, we need to be 100% clear and open about the boundaries in the relationships he is to have with his baby mamas, and it wont be the easiest thing in the world, i know i will have to accept some things i may not like, no arguements here. For the most part I was under the impression that the boundaries were understood, and that his baby mothers would be the last women he should be caught crossing the line with. Well the other day his BM randomly posted a comment on his social media saying “you know i love you boy, like foreal #soulmates”, and immediately i felt some type of way about it. I understand in a lot of BM/BD situations that love is still going to be there, im not naive about their history, but I am not down for women being on my man’s page talking like that. So I expressed my concerns to him and he just defends defends defends, no big deal, dont worry about it blah blah. well just as I was about to drop it, I seen him leaving unprovoked comments under her pictures saying things like “Im in love all over again #honeybee”, “you know you are mines” “i still have a chance booskie” etc. This obviously really pissed me off, and when i confronted him with the info his response was, “ok i flirt, so what”. Those couple of events made me feel like i had no choice but to end it, being that we have dealt with this type of disrespect several times in the past with little random women, and he knows that crossing the line with BM was a deal breaker. I have been VERY accepting, of his unfortunate situations and this really just feels like a slap in my face. He doesnt seem to care to find out how to fix it and i just cant wrap my head around it. WE used to talk about marriage, and together forever, and our friends and family say we are meant to be, I was really really in love with this man, i gave him unwavering loyalty and complete honesty. I am struggling to really believe that these past 2 years were pretty much meaningless because at the end of the day they always go back to the BM, and i think the only way I would get the respect i deserve is if i act crazy. I dont wanna be crazy, I just want respect. Would i just be fighting a losing battle? I am not in agreeance that his BM should take priority over me unless its dealing anything with the kids. But the i love yous, and soulmate, and im in love all over again ish is MY lane, and in this lane the BM is an ex bitch, so if you are telling me that it is ok to have that type of relationship with his BM, or that its not my place to address it, then i know that it is really time for me to go.

    1. it seems like with how things are going you should talk one last time and leave it at that. Everyone knows that flirting with your ex is taboo. Especially when you’ve already got someone else. If he’s trying to say it’s not a big deal, he’s being willfully ignorant. It is a big deal because at this point in time she is only his BM. He doesn’t need to win her back. He has you, but he’s not treating you correctly in this situation. I think you should reevaluate if you feel loved. Do yourself a favor and be sure to do not what you want to do, but what is best for you.

  11. Having issues myself with this one. My boyfriend and I are totally in love. However, his child’s mother is constantly a problem. He entertains her every command, all in the name of his son. Having kids myself with another man, I have never seen a father give so much of himself, time, money or anything like my boyfriend does for his son. The child’s mother is constantly accusing me of being psycho and jealous of her. I know he doesn’t want her. That’s not the issue. He is so afraid that she will pack up and move with their son. He calls her a piece of crap mom and says that he is the only parent the child has. I simply don’t see it. He’s not the custodial parent. I don’t understand why he thinks everything is how responsibility. I know I am all over the place, but I can’t get over this issue. I don’t know how to make her leave me alone. She’s always telling me that she doesn’t want him but could have him if she decided to. I really believe that he hates her. She schemed and got pregnant on purpose, and was married to someone else! I need help to put her in her place!

  12. I am BEYOND stressed out about the baby mama situation. & I call her that because she gives no shits about her son. This kid is strictly used as ammo against his dad. She has complete control over every situation in his life. My boyfriend has been living with me for a few months now. Everything is going good, but she’s constantly an issue. His son has been over here twice now. I love that little boy with my whole heart. But we had kept our living situation not really a secret, but we didn’t tell her that he lived with me. When he took his son back to the mom she flipped her script because their little boy brought me up. So he’s no longer allowed over here anymore. Instead of putting his foot down or getting a lawyer to get visitation rights, my boyfriend said well if she won’t let me see him while living here I’m moving out. Am I wrong for thinking that is just going too far? I don’t have any kids, but I know how my parents were. & that’s not it. She wants him back with her, & since he wont, their son is the only thing She can use against him. I’m just getting so upset.

  13. i have a question my ex jus got of mail becuz me and his situation we had and the past now his babymama taking to get with him but when their baby was born she didnt want to b with him so wat can i do now it’s interfering me n him geting bk together

    1. Hi Janina!

      The decision is not yours to make. Sometimes women make the mistake of trying to direct the man towards the decisions we want him to make or we attempt to fight for a man to keep him near, but ultimately the decision is up to the man. He is the one who has to decide if he wants to be with the mother of his child or be with you. If he chooses you, then again it is his responsibility to make it clear to the mother of his child that he does not want a romantic relationship. Don’t be mad at her if he is not making that clear to her and playing with both of you. Talk to him and really listen to what he tells you about his feelings for her, for you, and proceed from there. I hope this helps! Thanks for your comment!

  14. Hi! For starters great article, short, sweet and too the point! I’m hoping you can give some insight on my current situation. My BF and I have been dating almost 9 months and his son is really young, 8 months to be exact. His son’s mom will send him text multiple times a day sometimes updates on what the child is doing or sometimes just random pictures of the child, it could be first thing in the morning, throughout the day or bedtime, usually all of the above. Daily. I understand that the baby is young and they both want to be apart of all the baby’s first, such as first words, steps, first time doing anything, plus the cute quirky things their baby will do and especially if the baby is not feeling well. But is this relentless consistency normal? She requires that when they child is with him he does the same thing. Needless to say, it bothers me, truly, because it seems excessive. I’ve never said anything to him about about, my intent isn’t to take anything away from him….but I know how it makes me feel. Uneasy. My thoughts have been to let it ride till the child is older, this is new and exciting for them and i don’t want to cause any more issues than they already have between them, but I don’t know what to do here.

    1. This is my exact same situation!! My boyfriend and the baby’s mom (baby is two months) text daily about the baby. Occasionally it gets slightly off topic and it really bothers me. I understand asking how the baby is doing since she is so young, but every single day? I don’t know if I am strong enough to handle it. I know he tells me he hates her and is only being civil so she doesn’t slap him with child support, but the texting daily is getting annoying to me! I think it’s mostly my insecurities, but I don’t know. When I bring it up he gets angry and tells me the same things, “I’m just being nice so she doesn’t ask for more money blah blah blah”.

      1. Hi Ann!! Please read the comments I made to Ash; I think it will help you as well. You are both dealing with very young children and if you are second-guessing how much you can deal with it now, then you won’t make it to see the child’s 18th birthday. At this point I assume you are in the relationship with the idea of it hopefully being long-term, so if you are unsure now, then it will not work; the child is not going anywhere and neither is the mother of his child. Take a good look at what you really want in a relationship; maybe dating someone with baggage is not for you. Good luck and thanks for your comment!!

    2. Hi Ash! I have to be brutally honest with you here; you’re asking for a lot and you should tread lightly in this situation. I say that because you are dealing with a young child, 8 months old, so it is not your place to be annoyed that the child’s mother wants to include the father in the young child’s day-to-day activities. While the amount of contact may be excessive to you, as long as the contact is about the child and nothing inappropriate, there is nothing to complain about. Does your boyfriend have an issue with the amount of contact from his mother’s child? If not, then you do not have a right to complain. The one thing I stress about being in a relationship with someone with a child/children, is you are not the priority; the child/children is the priority. I’ll be honest with you, at this time, you are simply the girlfriend of 9 months, but his child is his forever. So think about where his priority lies. Also think of it this way, you wouldn’t want to be with a man who is not involved in their child’s life, especially if they have an ex who is encouraging their involvement. You could be dealing with an ex who is causing problems of keeping the child away from the father or having issues with you; instead you are dealing with an ex who simply wants to make sure the father is a part of their son’s day-to-day activities and growth. I definitely would not mention this to your boyfriend. You are choosing to deal with someone with baggage, so you just have to deal with it. I hope this helps and thanks so much for your comment!!

      1. Hi again!! Lol I’m a little late to your response. I love your blogs, but I didnt go back to this one to read your response since it was an older blog! I won’t make that mistske again 🙂 Anyway, I did day something about it, it didn’t seem appropriate to me at all, some of the picks were more her than the baby, I understand signing up for baggage, but if something makes you as uncomfortable as this made me, I don’t see how keeping your lips sealed would benefit the relationship. But I am younger and still learning! Turns out, he felt (and she was,) she was using that and other things as a way to control their situation, not just an update to keep him involved in the child’s life. He’s finally wised up and is taking her to court for custody, so hopefully they work things out! Him and I are no longer together, but best wishes to them! Again love your blogs! Don’t quit!

  15. Hi beautiful ! First I’m sorry for this long message … You probably have a lot to do but I need some advice concerning my relationship and if u got 5 minutes to read it would help a lot 🙂 thanks x
    It’s been a little bit more than two years that I am with my boyfriend. I have a daughter with another man and he has a child of 4. We’ve been living together for about a year now.
    His child’s mother doesnt accept the break up although she has boyfriends but when she found out he was with the same girl (me) for a few months she understood it was kind of serious and she got really mad and decided not to let him see his kid anymore. He tried to go there and see their child but she gets very violent breaks everything yells and never let him enter . I know he suffers from this and I really feel bad about it. I can’t stop thinking that if I wasn’t with him , maybe he would be able to see his son and everything would get better for them . We only talked once about it (he’s not very talkative about that and I don’t want to be annoying ) he told me he wanted to stay with me , didn’t wanna go back to her and will find a way to see his son anyway. He also wants me to meet him but it’s definitely not possible.. She tried to contact me to insult me many times but I never replied . I don’t know how to act as I really love him and feel bad at the same time . Another thing is that she uses their child to get him back. For eg she decided to accept his visits but ONLY if he stays at her place and sleeps there. She doesn’t want him to take his son anywhere without her . as he refused at first he couldnt see his kid but last week he finally accepted and stayed 3 nights at her place.. I wasn’t okay with him sleeping there tbh but I let him go with no argument As I want him to be happy and see his child as much as he can. I thought he would at least text during these 4 days but his phone was off most of the time … He only called once for like 20 secs to say he was okay but tbh I really felt like I was the “side chick” and felt rejected . He said he didn’t wanna her to get crazy as she gets mad if he’s on the phone ! Now I am apprehending next time he goes there and think i should talk to him.. What do you think about this ? You said we shouldn’t get involved and let the man handle it but I m not sure he’s actually handling the situation 😦 Thanks a lot for your reply .
    Cassie

    1. Hi Cassie!! I read what you wrote and there is one common denominator in your situation, which is your boyfriend’s “baby mother” has all the the power in your relationship. First let me make clear that his child’s mother will have an issue with ANY woman he develops a relationship with, so it is not necessarily about YOU! These are her issues regardless, so you have nothing to feel bad about in regards to you being the reason why he cannot see his child. Also, yes I always preach to let the man handle any situation between his child’s mother, however your boyfriend, unfortunately, is not handling the situation at all. The fact that his child’s mother demands he comes over to her place and spend the night to see his child is absurd, and if he were truly handing it then he would say “No” and take other measures to make sure his parental rights are not rejected. In my opinion, this is the problem with men in situations such as this. Not enough is done legally to make sure the father’s rights are exercised. By no means do I think it is an easy task, but also a man should not want to live his life being controlled by a woman who is using their child as bait for attention. So no I do not believe your boyfriend is really handling the situation. This is also exemplified by his actions of following through on her demands and going to her place and spending the night. As you state he spent the night for four days and you spoke with him for 20 minutes; if that does not sound like hog-wash to you, then I don’t know what else to say. There is absolutely NO excuse that 1) he even thought about disrespecting your relationship by spending the night at another woman’s house, let alone he actually did it; 2) that even after he made the ridiculous decision, he was even more disrespectful by not calling you for more than 20 minutes, and finally 3) that he proved to the mother of his child that she runs him and your relationship by following through on her demands. My only suggestion to you is to take a good look at the situation at hand and your relationship, to determine if it is what you really want. I understand your boyfriend may not be talkative, but you better find out what is really going on because it’s time you take control of what YOU want in a relationship and what your boundaries are. I hope you find this helpful and either way I hope you figure out what is best for YOU! Thank you for your comment!!

  16. My baby mom left me with the kids and ran off with another man now she lives with him and trys to pick up the kids when and how she feels yells at me and won’t try to talk civil and her boyfriend always is with her when she comes around and he always trys to fight even if I don’t say anything he also tells her what to say and do he seam really mean and my kids cry not to go with them when ever she decides to show up their is way more going on thwn this but what should i do in this situation.

    1. Document every incedent for at least a month. Ask the kids questions but don’t coach them in what to say. just have honest open talks with them (you should be doing that anyways right?). write EVERYTHING down (times, dates, EVERYONE who was around and witnessed ANYTHING). Call the cops any time anything SERIOUS BUT ONLY ANYTHING SERIOUS. And then when you feel like you have enough together take her to court. I don’t know where you live but go to the court house and ask them for help with anything you may need as far as info goes and they can usually tell you how to get ahold of a low income lawyer if you need one. If the kids are crying there is usually a reason for that. I don’t always think that kids should be taken from either parent but if the kids are crying there is more then likely something going on and the situation sounds serious enough to me to feel like you should get the courts involved so you can make sure you have enough control over the situation to protect your kids and that is what is most important.

  17. My baby mom left me with the kids and ran off with another man now she lives with him and trys to pick up the kids when and how she feels yells at me and won’t try to talk civil and her boyfriend always is with her when she comes around and he always trys to fight even if I don’t say anything he also tells her what to say and do he seam really mean and my kids cry not to go with them when ever she decides to show up their is way more going on with this but what should i do in this situation.

  18. Hi 🙂 What a great thread… I am finding myself unsure of how deal with a situation with “BM”. I have been dating a man for 4 months. He has a 3 y/o he shares custody with. They seem to co-parent well, although they were also sleeping together casually at the time we met. Our relationship took off fast… they faded out and he solidified “us” to her…. So he and her had an agreement they would introduce a new partner to each other before this new person met the child. He asked this of me roughly around 2 mos. I said sorry- too early (meanwhile BM making passes at him). My stance was that I would like to see everyone making good choices before I got involved (without adding extra drama to the meat of my advice needs they both seem sort of immature in how they hand their relationship- minus the child)… so he has gone back and forth, decided to introduce her anyways- she’s adorable and gets along peculiarly well with my 12 y/o daughter. This has been on only a couple occasions, very light… the he went back to no- you cant be around her to keep the peace with BM. I understood completely and respected why. But now, he’s back to I want you to hang out with us- but the compromise is he is to tell the BM every time the daughter is around me….

    So… I just don’t know what to think anymore. I have always kept my dating life private from my daughters father. Its my life, my business. The only partner he met was a man that I was solid with for years and moved in with us.

    I think it’s ok for anyone to request this.. but having been a single parent for so many years I don’t think its reasonable. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Should I just take one for the team and meet her??? I honestly just don’t want to; I think it’s too early, and she is hurt and wants him back and I feel she’s trying to control him and who the child meets which I think is unfair to him and his life. I think its not an uncommon issue that they just need to work through in time and isnt my place to get involved with her. What do you think? Any thoughts appreciated 🙂

    1. What can i do about my problem. Never married my man’s bm has been in & out of jail & has an open warrant for her arrest right now for stabbing her current boyfriend. She has no job and is a meth user. My man is the custodial parent. Despite all of this he still drops they’re son off to visit with her and she keeps texting him and tryn to make her presence felt with me. The other day she texted him happy birthday and he said nothing to me about but simply texted her saying only my friends and family can do that making no mention of me his woman. Im at my wits end n would give this worthless chic respect if i thought she deserved it. Im still tryn to wrap my mind around the fact that he is ok leaving the little one with her knowing her circumstances. What do i have to say to make him understand that if he doesnt put his foot down n be firm im leaving him. Please help.

      1. Oh! & fyi: she stabbed him too when they were together, prostituded herself, cheated on him several times, got pregnant & had an abortion by another man she cheated with, lied to police saying he pushed her so they would lock him up, abandoned they’re son with different people to go party, & admitted to sleeping with at least four of his friends…do you still think that this moc deserves to make her any kind of priority?

      2. In some rare cases i believe that your man should only make the child his first priority not the MOC. If your bm has proven to be unfit, cant provide for the child, using meth, determined to be unfit by the courts & a fugitive wanted by authorities…your 1st priority should be your child and only your child. Anybody with a functioning uterus can make a baby but if you aren’t holding your weight as the childs mother you get no respect & your man shouldn’t have any either. Your not doing your child any favors by exposing him to this type of person.

  19. I need some advice I have recently started dating a guy who has a four year old daughter him and the moc are no longer together. However on Sundays it’s daddy and daughter day since he doesn’t see his daughter much due to like 6mths ago he check himself in for the second time in 3 yrs to a alcohol rehab in a residential type setting. He tells me lost everything and he is trying to get that back as far as his own place so he can see his daughter more and own car. Well last weekend he cancelled our plans to hang out for that sat. Because he wanted to spend time with his daughter. I will admit the night before he asked to spend time and cook for me. He did apologize to me for canceling. But the whole weekend I really didn’t hear from him not even a good morning text or hey until I replied and he text he was at a festival with his daughter. That Sunday I didn’t hear anything. Monday morning absolutely nothing which is unusual until like 10am when I text no good morning. He then informed me he wasn’t trying to ignore me this morning but his moc let him use her car to get to work. Strange I felt when usually he catch the bus or a coworker. I did ask was he trying to get back with his moc again if so let me know so we won’t waste each other time. He insisted a few times he’s not but she does help him out and a big part of his life and that his child come first and he’s trying to get his life together if he can’t help himself he can’t help his child. I know children are important and I do commend him for being in his child life. Not sure what to do right now with him and what he said about moc

  20. I am in the middle of a sticky situation.Just coming here for some advice.I know this guy for years from online.Lately though we have been talking more seriously but we had not gone out on a first date yet.Well,this weekend he told me he had a trip to go to san antonio..I thought it was for part of his job.I look at his snapchat and see a picture of him and his baby momma together.I confronted him about it and he told me that she begged him to go on the trip with his son as a family.He told me she does want him back but he likes me a lot too.He doesn’t want to let go of me because we have a lot in common.I told him I needed days to think but just feel lost right now.What would you do in my situation?Would you continue talking to him and expect him to be honest next time?

  21. If you feel like you’re the only one who has to “deal” with the baby mama, then you’re not only being insecure but you’re being unsupportive of your bf/husband. Its tough being a baby daddy and not being in a relationship, he’s held accountable because he is the father of the child. Quit being so insecure you got with your man, knowing he had a baby and you knew something sometime was going to pop off with her and you. And you know what, deal with it. Love the kid and your man, and throw your duces up to the baby mama if she can’t accept you, and keep doing what you do. I am the gf and yes I can get insecure sometimes but then I look at the boys and I know she a good mom and I accept her, for everything she is. I really don’t care if she likes me or not, as long as I get to see my man happy and his kids know that I’ll always be there for him, I’ll wear step mom, mom #2, care take. Whatever you wanna call itt, like a crown. Because when all is said and done, I know who I am and in my heart the boy is mine and I’m going to treat him like he is mine and he will come first along side of my man. They are what is important and if the baby mama cares for her kids which (she does) she won’t interfere. Sometimes yes, she gets insecure and will pop some shit to punch me in my feelings, but I’ll walk away and remind myself who I am and not take it personally, because I know I’m not a baby mama but I know being one is not easy. So much love for all you ladies out there. 💋❤

  22. HI,

    I’ve been talking to this guy for a few months who has a child with his ex-girlfriend. She lives in his house currently due to her not having a job before they broke up. I have feelings for this guy and now I have no idea what to do. We have only been on two dates and I understand that he has a lot going on with his son and the fact that she is still living in his house makes me wonder sometimes if anything goes on between them and at one point, I flat out asked him if there was, he said no and that he would tell me if anything did. I really want to pursue this relationship but if I never get to see him, I don’t know.

  23. I would really appreciate some insight on my current situation (:

    I’ve been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half now, he has a 8 year old son with his ex wife who is now re married.
    I love my boyfriend and I know he loves me. We always talk about getting married and having kids.
    In the beginning I was very patient and understanding I always refrained from getting involved with their coparenting. However, lately I’ve been more aware of my boyfriend and his BM’s interactions. Quite frankly I’m irritated by how much they communicate. She constantly texts him daily and my boyfriend says that they only talk for the sake of their son. However, his BM always goes off topic and makes the conversations personal. She will ask about me, and our relationship she went ahead and gave her “approval” of me. She will ask my boyfriend random things like “do you think I’ve gained weight” she has even invited my boyfriend over to her house to hangout with her friends when her husband wasn’t home. She will text my bf and say that he’s her bestfriend. She asked my boyfriend if he could pick her and her husband up from the airport. I know my boyfriend will not play into her games yet I still get pissed off that he will reply to her and have conversations with her not concerning their son. He tells me that he simply is being nice and wants to maintain a healthy relationship with her for their son. But I can’t help but feel disrespected when she is constantly texting him off topic and he replies to her. I’m not upset if he talks to her about their son I’m upset that she always makes the conversations personal. My bf will reply with short response but he still replies. its obvious his ex wife is not over him and tries to “mark her territory” any chance she gets. Is this type of situation normal ?! Am I just being crazy ? Any advice is appreciated. Please and Thank you !!😭

  24. Agree. Even though its hard as im currently going threw something like this and its taking everything in me to not scream at the top of my lungs. My husband told ne his ex doesnt like drama, I told him good neither do I. So after that I asked him why he dont have our picture on his profile of whats app being she suggested to him to download it so they can chat again he told me she dont like drama and if she feels shes causing drama between us she will change her number/address and he will lose his only chance in being involved with his kids 1 in 10th grade the other in 3rd. They tell each other how thier day is going ue tells her his problems which I dont like as im the wide but if I condront him he gets mad at me and tells me to stop acting this way, this why our marriage is still rocky, he protects how she feels and has no consideration for my feelings as for the pucture of us not being up I told him that I dont care if her feelings gwt hurt by seeing our picture she is the one wanting to cause drama not me and its my feelings that should matter not hers plus if you would just be honest and tell me when she calls/ texts you or vice versa than we wouldnt be arguing. Its not me causing the drama its you two. When he calms down he reasures me that im the one he loves and wants to be with as hes with me and looking for a house dor us so if that dont tell me he wants to be with me he dont know how to show it. Plus today sge sent him pix of thier son plating in a lake im not sur what he asked her being he always delets his texts but her response was “No just me, my friend/her husband and thier toung child” so im assuming my husband aked her if she went with soneone which I tell him WHO CARES as you ONLY should be in contact for tge children and thier needs not you and her to ve axting as if you guys are in a long distant relationship which I feel they are but he tells me how he always been honest with how he feels as they are just friends and they never fought when they were together but being he wasnt ready to settle down and he was out on the streets drinking with his friends all the time, I calm down and he told me nothing is going on that he is unsure how to be involved with his jids being hes been out of thier lives for 7yrs or so. Am I over reacting and how can I confront him even though he tells me to leave that subject alone as its not my buisness. Thank you, Rebecca A

  25. My boyfriend has a son with another woman and apparently she cheated on him and he hates her. The problem is he calls his babymama babe and wont delete their pictures on facebook. I have a feeling they are still together

  26. I been with my boyfriend for 4 years if he can only see his daughter with the baby mama around and I’m not jealous but I would love to meet her hez been around my kids seems weird she call s sends texts hope all is well ,I feel he got more then one baby Mama and kid I don’t want to be with SOME one I love deeply and can’t meet your kids ,or this one last child he had who is 4 talks seems like she stills love s him ,

  27. Hey all, I have a different story right so am having a child with my ex so in this case am the MOC so the issue here is that the current girlfriend is the one with the problem I don’t communicate with both of them but funny enough I get insulting SMSs from the girlfriend how do you deal with such when you have accepted your situation and moved on but then the current girlfriend is giving you hell

  28. Hey all, I have been dating a guy a little over a year and we have a pretty great relationship. His 8 year old son is adorable and he sure does have a great time with his dad and myself when he has him every other weekend. Now when it comes to dealing with MOC.. I completely let them handle dealings with there son. It saves me from any drama, I just do not want any. My first encounter with her was very unpleasant about 6 months ago and she went mama bear on me.. said horrible things and threats. I chalked it up to listen she doesn’t know me and that is her son, I might have done the same thing idk. He has negatively spoke about her and I say well no one’s perfect and just try and work on it. Since our first horrible meet, she has invited me to the holidays and even helped pick out a holiday gift for her son to give to me. My boyfriend however didn’t tell me about the invite until many weeks later.. I don’t know and I think they communicate about more than just there son or shoot the wind sometimes.. She has also helped him with work flyers because she is good at graphic design.. I have never dated a guy with a kid.. so how does the whole dynamic work.. Should I be getting a little irate if she helps him or if he goes to her house on Christmas day or other little things that I has a divorcee would think is weird.. help needed am I overreacting or should I pocket some of these red flags

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s