Men Stop Whining & Grow Some…

Who would have thought one day I’d use the popular 90’s sitcom, Family Matters, as a dating tool for men? Not me, but believe it or not it exemplifies the exact message I want to portray to men; being insecure and a pushover gets you no where in dating! Remember how Steve Urkel ran after Laura Winslow, begged for a date, a kiss, or whatever he could get? Time after time Laura expressed her disinterest, but she also knew when to use him for her benefit. Yes, Steve Urkel may have been too oblivious to be insecure, but he definitely was a pushover. I’m sure Laura had other reasons why she rejected Steve (Haha), but I’m sure his lack of strength played a part in her decision. Think about it. Laura would drool whenever Steve went into his transformation machine to change to his alter ego Stephan Urquelle. Ladies don’t front, you were drooling too! (Hmm maybe not so much now) Back then there was something appealing about Stephan and the ladies loved him for it. Stephan had swagga, he was smooth, he was attractive, but more appealing than anything else, he was confident and strong. Fellas that’s what the ladies want! A man who is an insecure pushover, won’t last too long dating a confident woman. I’ve talked to the ladies in previous posts about loving themselves (Playing Catch Up; Ladies Stop Blaming Men!!!; Candid Conversation), but now I have to talk to the fellas because some of you just don’t have a clue!

There’s nothing worse than being with an insecure man, and there are two very different types of insecure men. One type is the crazy insecure man who is possessive and intimidating. The other type is the insecure man who is just freaking annoying!! They share the same possessive nature as the crazy insecure man, but they are far less intimidating. In fact, the annoying insecure man whines ALL the time! “Why didn’t you call me? Are you mad at me? Did I do something to offend you?” “I apologize if I did something wrong.” “Are you going to leave me?” “Am I annoying you?” YES YOU ARE!!! I once dated this type of insecure man, and he aggravated me beyond belief. In one incident the guy called me several times while I was taking a nap, which is why I didn’t answer the phone. Probably by the seventh time my phone rang, I woke up to find out what was going on. I answered the phone and before I could speak he asked, “Are you mad at me?” WHAT!?!? I can’t begin to describe how irked I was that this man didn’t have a bit of confidence, or even a clue about his absurdity. He was so worried that I didn’t answer my phone because I was upset with him, he didn’t think that I might have been busy. Needless to say his insecurity was a turnoff, and I stopped dating him immediately! Men who bitch and whine get no  where with women. Women don’t want to date men they have to constantly reassure.

The same is true for women and control. Women don’t want to date a man they can dominate and control. defines a pushover as an easily defeated person, and a person who is easily persuaded, influenced, or seduced. In lamest terms a pushover is a man with no backbone, a wimp, a wuss, a ( I was going to use another term, but I’ll keep it PG). A pushover is absolutely undesirable to a confident woman. A confident woman wants to date a man rather than a boy. We like men who can stand up for themselves, and pose an argument or an opinion. None of that occurs when dating a pushover. Why do you think Laura Winslow preferred Stephan over Steve? She considered Steve weak because he followed her around like a lap dog. Being a pushover doesn’t only pertain to dating because often a pushover is the same with family and friends. A pushover with family is comparable to a momma’s boy. Uggghhh! Women surely do not want to date a momma’s boy! Fellas you have to evaluate your flaws and your dating patterns. If I described you in this post, then there’s definitely a problem! You may have relationships, but I can’t imagine they will have longevity. Your relationship will only last so long, before your woman finds substance somewhere else. Women want to date men that exude maturity and confidence (not arrogance, there is a difference). So fellas I’m going to tell you the same thing I told the ladies, “Do love yourself before attempting to love someone else.” Self-love will make you a better man for your date, girlfriend, or wife. Take note!



  1. I think this begs the question how does one gain confidence? we dont have a transformation chamber to go into. Now I was once very insecure, in highschool i just was not really into myself, or more so just lost at finding myself. In contrast in college all the time I got that I was conceded and only until they really got to know me I would hear “I used to think you were conceded” etc etc. Im not exactly sure how I made such a stark transformation but looking back college was a chance to create the new me. I focused on improving w/e it was i didnt like about me, and thats focusing on things u can change, i still have big ears but hey what can i do – now i just call em kiss handles. I read recently confidence is not the absence of insecurity but the action to press on in spite them. Secondly fellas, stop putting so much power into women or anyone for that matter, do you dont care what others think so much. if she rejects so what, theres waaaaaaaaaaayyyy to many women on this planet for u to get ur panties in bunch over one when u can just turn the corner and get a bunch of panties.

    1. One gains confidence by practice. As unfortunate as it sounds, you have to practice self-love. However, different practice methods work for different people, so it’s hard to say exactly how one can gain confidence. T.D. Jake’s book “God’s Leading Lady” helped me recognize my insecurities, appreciate my flaws, and learn to love me! In our generation especially, everyone struggles with low self-esteem and insecurity (which are one in the same). Now that I’m on the other side of the fence, so to speak, I want to be realistic to men and women that without self-love, it’s impossible to be in a healthy relationship. Relationships are hard enough, but they’re even harder when you self-doubt.

      This is funny –> ” if she rejects so what, theres waaaaaaaaaaayyyy to many women on this planet for u to get ur panties in bunch over one when u can just turn the corner and get a bunch of panties.” Yesssir!

  2. I am embarrassed to say I loved Stephan like home cooking!!!! But I digress…you are so on with this one girl. Gimme a man with a BIG HAIRY set o’nuts over a pushover do-boy anyday!! (was that PG….*kanye shrug*…you know what I mean!)
    Keep the good posts coming!

  3. So that’s why you broke up with me. I didn’t realize 7 calls in 5 minutes was “excessive.” Lol just kidding. Seriously though I do agree with your article. Men shouldn’t be chasing behind women like Steve did for years. Eventually Laura left Stephan for Steve but who has that much time to wait on a girl to like you. Men with “swag” get the ladies. I think men in general are getting more insecure. I don’t know if its because women are getting more power as far as financial and career-wise. I think men think that women are getting harder to please now so that’s why men are constantly checking to see everything is ok.

  4. Lol lmao this joint is mega hilarious

    It goes 2 show u though human nature is never satisfied cause when women get the confident guy they wish he was more sensitive and all up on her
    When they get the guy that’s all up on her ever second of the day they want some space lol

    Same goes for guys lol

    In all actuality though the wimp guys like urkel are always gona treat there women better then Stephon cause they have less options

    All that swag and confidence u are attracted 2 so is everybody else 😉

    Even though I know all these things I still can’t help but love a confident lady who wears no make up and will rock her hair natural
    Give me a good debate and in hills look great lol lol

    Its odd though because when I was in college most girls would get in relationships with urkels and creep wit the stephons lol lol
    And they still do
    They still do lol

    Wat a life 😉

  5. Hi there, I hopped over to this webpage from reddit. It’s not something I would regularly read, but I liked your thoughts on it. Thank you for creating something worth reading!

  6. How can I show fiancé that I am not insecure anymore? How do exude confidence? I was insecure in the past, but I have changed drastically. Nice blog!

  7. I am experiencing this every single day and I keep telling him it’s a turn off … he whines more than my damn kids and he cries (real tears mind you) more than my 8month old daughter. He whines about me not having sex with him or if I dont answer my phone when I’m dealing with 3 children all day plus being pregnant and tired I dont really have time to talk on the phone busy being a mother and provider for my children. Once I woke up tp 30 missed calls from him within a hour time frame. With disturbing voicemails on my phone from him crying and yelling all over. Another incident I logged onto my facebook and checked my messages only to find messages stating I was trying to play him and I must be messing with some other guy like wtf what??? I told HIM I was leaving him he started crying are you serious ?? He says he loves me but how you really don’t know me at all… he seeks attention like an abandoned child he seeks approval all the time.. its a turn off I tell him. . It’s a turn off so bad I dont even sleep with him when he spends the night. He begs for sex but thats pointless because he is insecure about his performance so much I don’t want it from him.. now the sight of him makes me sick to my stomach. . I’m at my wits end I am leaving because this mess is making my pregnancy stressful.. I have kids whom whine but he does it mire than they do…

  8. Golly gee, Ms. Cara, what could YOU possibly be doing to make his life so miserable ( oh, I forgot, that doesn’t count) that he might be acting that way? HMMMMN!

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