The Ex-Factor


Several months ago I went on a date to a sophisticated restaurant where the ambiance was classy and cool. Likewise my date appeared sophisticated and classy, however his attitude and conversation exuded hostility and resentment. The hostility developed from his discussion about his ex-girlfriend. I perceived he typically was a calm and collected man, but the topic of his ex-girlfriend apparently set him off. Ironically he chose to talk about his ex-girlfriend all on his own. I simply asked him “When was your last relationship,” and he felt it necessary to give a drawn-out explanation of how the relationship ended. He lost me at that moment. Two essential ‘Dating Don’ts’ are 1) don’t talk in detail about your ex, and 2) don’t talk negatively about your ex. His story began with “Man she was a crazy broad,” and it was those very words that made me leave his ass alone!

Sharing too much information about your ex on a date, is a date destined for failure. Your date doesn’t care about how you and your ex met, where you two traveled, what your arguments were about, or how the break-up happened. Who cares? The only important information you need to share with your date is the longevity of your relationship and give a general idea of why the relationship ended. It’s also important to share if you’ve been previously married or engaged (these are definite disclosures for a first date). You don’t have to give too much detail, but give your date a synopsis of your last relationship. Too much detail gives the impression that either you’re not over your ex, or you haven’t released some built-up resentment towards your ex. It displays your weaknesses, and that’s one of the worst things you can do if you’re trying to impress someone new. Wait I retract that last sentence. The worst thing you can do on a date is call your ex a “ho,” which is exactly what my date did!

My date didn’t know when to shut up! He was at full disclosure, and I absorbed every word he said because it further confirmed it would be our first and last date. He called her a “ho” because he said they had their first child at a young age (oh yeah that’s when I found out he had kids). He then accused her cheating and clubbing too much. I don’t know why he thought I was the least interested in hearing about his babymama (since I found out about the kids) and their drama. From first impressions I wouldn’t have imagined this man was capable of  such inappropriate candor. He changed from a charismatic and considerate person, to a mean and disrespectful idiot. It was like watching Dr. Banner transform into the Hulk. I was upset to see how much his ex affected his attitude and ultimately his life. A person should not let their past relationships affect their future relationships. My date was the first time I experienced a man vent about his ex to his “newbie,” but I’ve known plenty of women who sabotage their dating prospects by venting too much (I was one of them too). They often say things like “He was a no-good man, a cheater, a liar, a loser,” and the list goes on and on. These candor women and men don’t realize that for every negative they tell about their ex, tells a negative about themselves. I’ve called a few of my exes losers, cheaters, and various expletives, but there’s a time and place for everything. The time is definitely not on a date, and the place is in the company of friends or in the privacy of your own home. What’s done is done, and there’s no need to go down memory lane – especially to the person you’re trying to court. No one wants to hear you whine and complain about your past. I’ve been the “complainer” and I’ve been the one complained to, so believe me I know! Leave the past in the past!

—Duece Sense gives his 2 Cents—

It definitely sounds like this guy was not over his ex. I can’t really tell the length of time between the break-up and your date, but it seems like your questions opened up the flood gates. He probably never really talked about it. To his boys his words were “forget that ho” without really going into details because that’s what we do. You were the first person to come along, and all that [was] built up in him just poured out.

I am currently talking ot a lady I’m interested in, who just got out of a relationship. She has yet to speak about him on our dates, but he has come up during our phone conversations. I have yet to personally decipher whether this topic really bothers me or if it’s the fact that I know its taboo. It’s a no win situation, whether the comments are negative or postive each comment gets the *side eye* 

Advertisements

7 comments

  1. Good post, hun!
    The part that stood out the most with me is “He called her a “ho” because he said they had their first child at a young age (oh yeah that’s when I found out he had kids”

    [Pause]

    Isn’t that his child, too? So she’s a heaux because THEY had a child together at a young age? Oh, okay. That would have been a big red flag. Sounds like brother man was confused, and had lots of resentment toward “that broad”.

    I am an ultimate believer in not revisiting the past in relationships. Especially at free will. Most definitely not mentioning of the ex. For what? It brings unnecessary conversation and unwanted feelings. A lot of people need to read this.

    1. It amazed me at how much he wanted to share with me, but like Duece Sense said, he probably hadn’t release that resentment before. Aside from the conversation about his ex, I’m sure we would have at least had a second date, but his demeanor blew it. His body language even changed, and it became a date from hell.

      In regards to him calling her a “ho,” I think he was saying that she partied a lot throughout their relationship, because they had their first child at a young age so I guess she was reliving her youth. Girl I don’t know because he confused me so many times in his story. He was so upset, he jumped around and skipped years in his story. I couldn’t keep up.

      That experience did make me conscious of how much I talk about my ex(es). I used to be guilty of it, not to this extreme, but I subconsciously did it. Now I just keep it light and simple…no details.

  2. In response to this blog there are somethings i can agree to and somethings that I believe are just inevitable. It is inevitable that you will eventually speak on someones past but to what depth will depend both parties….especially if you open up the flood gates with questions pertaining to that subject. Also Im not sure if you can judge a person based on one date, now I know first impressions are big but it doesnt have to be lasting…..

    1. Kamel I totally agree that if you ask certain questions, then it’s inevitable to receive certain responses. However, it was uneccessary for him to expose his entire relationship to me since I only asked him WHEN was his last relationship. It was a simple question that only required a simple answer.

      I judged him solely on the first date because as a woman with 0 children, babymama drama is the last thing I wanted to hear about on a first date. He was already discussing his drama, so I’d be stupid to continue dating him, knowing that it will be an issue for me. Of course my decision was based on my personal preferences about dating men with children. However, I think men have to be very careful how they address their relationship with their children’s mother. The child (children) and the mother of the child (children) are in that man’s life forever, so I need reassurance that civility has been established before I come into the picture. (Hmmm I feel a post brewing)

  3. Wow.. I just cut off three guys in the last 3 months for the same reason. I don’t mind knowing about the ex cause I learn how men think BUT they also show how dumb they both are especially if they still communicate after a bad break up! Yep this is a good one!

    1. I agree! With the exception of children involved, I don’t understand why people stay in contact with exes after a bad break up. It doesn’t make sense, but we just have to weed out the dumb ones. What a project! Lol.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s