I Didn’t Know I Was The Other Woman

(Originally posted November 18, 2010)

One night my girlfriend and I went to a popular event in Atlanta called “Old School Saturday.” (Old School music from the 80’s & 90’s – loved it!) At the event I met a man (let’s call him “Lamar”) that was very handsome! Lamar was tall with a muscular build, confident and well-dressed. We talked for quite a while, which during our conversation I asked very important questions. “Are you married?” “Do you have a girlfriend?” “Do you have children and how many?” “Are you gay or bisexual?” (Did I mention I was in Atlanta? Lol.) Of course I worked these questions into the conversation to be a little discreet, but for personal reasons of my own, I made sure to ask each question. We continued talking for a while, then we danced (he had rhythm too – ✓) and eventually we exchanged phone numbers. That night was the beginning of about a 2 month courtship with a man who I thought was pretty decent.

Lamar didn’t give me the impression he had anything to hide and I was very careful to look for the signs. He was consistent with phone calls and outings, which showed me he was really interested. He called or sent nice text messages during the day. He took me out 3-4 times a week; lunch, dinner, drinks, dancing. More importantly he took me out on the day that really matters – Saturday. My mother taught me that when a man takes you out on Saturdays it displays his level of interest. Why? Although Friday is the more relaxed day of the work week, it is still a work day and limits the time for various activities. Saturday is a leisure day, so it allows the opportunity to explore options other than the typical dinner and a movie and you have more time to spend together. On Saturday you can have breakfast, brunch, visit a museum, go to a concert, have a picnic, etc. Sunday is for religious observation, mental relaxation or preparation for the work week; not a great day for a date (unless it’s football season and you like football – football and dinner sounds good to me). Anyway, Lamar took me out often, we had a great time together and after dating for some time we discussed a date at his place where he would cook me dinner. He was from New Orleans, so I was confident he could throw down in the kitchen and I started to get excited about this dinner. I had to prepare of course.

That Saturday he was supposed to cook, early in the day I decided to go to the mall to pick up a few items. Honestly I wanted to find a blouse that said “I look jazzy, but not overdone” since the dinner was at his house. On my way to the mall Lamar called and said he was about to feed his dog (which by the way he recently found the dog, a Yorkie, roaming in his yard. The dog had no tags and he reported it to the local shelter, but he eventually kept the dog since the owner never claimed it.). After he feeds the dog, he said he was going to Kroger (local grocery store) to pick up the ingredients for the dinner. I was smiling as big as I can smile because it was nice to date a considerate man that wanted to prepare something nice for me. The conversation ended and I was approaching the mall. About five minutes later Lamar calls my phone again. This time, however, it wasn’t Lamar on the line, instead it was woman. Aside from her jacking my name up with the wrong pronunciation, her tone sounded quite pleasant. She asked me who I was since she often saw my name in Lamar’s call log. Without giving a response, I then asked her who she was and how could I help her? The woman said she was Lamar’s girlfriend of 5 (yes 5) years and they moved to Atlanta from New Orleans about a year prior. My jaw dropped and I almost couldn’t park in the parking space at the mall. I was discombobulated! I was pissed!

I explained to the woman how Lamar and I met, how long we were dating, and how I had no idea he was in a relationship. The woman was very polite and I respected that she realized neither of us were at fault. But here’s the kicker…they lived literally 5 minutes from my apartment. Yes they lived together! I told her about his plans to cook dinner for me that night at their house and she went livid. Not at me, but she was clearly upset about his lack of respect. So I asked her if she had plans that night or if she was going out-of-town? I was trying to wrap my finger around how Lamar thought he was going to get away with this dinner at their house! She explained that she’s a nurse and she works evenings. She leaves for the hospital at about 6:00pm and doesn’t return until the next morning. It all started to make sense. She admitted that their relationship had taken a turn since her shifts at the hospital changed, but she thought they were trying to work things out. She asked me a few questions about Lamar and I, I asked her a few questions also, and in the midst of our conversation I heard a dog barking. I asked her about the dog. I told her what Lamar told me about the dog and she said “He gave me the damn dog! The dog is mine!” I just laughed because I had never experienced such a bizarre situation. And it was about to get better!

Lamar’s girlfriend told me that she broke up with him prior to leaving New Orleans for Atlanta because the relationship was stagnant and she wanted more. She said Lamar begged and pleaded for her to stay and when he realized she was really moving to Atlanta, he decided to go with her. He said he wanted to marry her and move forward in their relationship. She even went on to tell me that the house was HER house that she bought with HER money. That man had the nerve! Suddenly I hear “Lamar guess who’s on the phone?” Normally I don’t entertain drama when it comes to men. I don’t fight for or about men, I don’t make a fuss over men, and I certainly try my best to stay away from drama such as this. With this particular situation, however, I could not contain myself from cursing his ass out! The woman put me on speaker phone apparently and Lamar acts oblivious to who I am or what’s going on. His girlfriend repeats most of what I told her about the dates Lamar and I had and the plans for that evening. Lamar then calls me a “crazy bitch.” He doesn’t know where I came from or why I am trying to ruin their relationship. So of course I let his stupid ass know that I did not call his girlfriend because I didn’t know she existed, but rather she called me! With that said I told her that I was truly sorry the situation and as a woman I can understand her pain, but I didn’t know and the signs were definitely not there. I told Lamar to stop being a bitch and hung up from the madness. I just sat in the mall parking lot stunned and confused.

Should I have known? Were there signs that maybe I missed? Was I a target for this stupidity? Was I being naive? HELL NO!!! I had to reassure myself that I did absolutely nothing wrong in this situation. I couldn’t have known, there were no signs, I wasn’t a target and I certainly wasn’t naive. I realized that there are some occurrences in life that we have no control over. I often prepare myself for the worst by looking for clues, keeping my eyes and ears open, and I don’t expect more than what is obvious. This experience is proof that the dating game is rough. There are no rules, but at least I walked away  from this knowing I played my position right. I asked questions, I observed, and I took my time. Now I just laugh!



  1. He gives us New Orleans peeps a bad name. Wow well at least his gf wasn’t delusional and she and you can talk without yelling or screaming at each other. That guy is really bold though.

    1. Yes he was very bold and arrogant, which is why I guess he thought he’d get away with it. His girlfriend seemed like she had her head on straight and understood I was in the dark about their relationship. More women could use a lesson from the both of us.

      I won’t judge all New Orleans men the same 😉

    1. Thank you! Yes I did see “Lamar” again, and he actually had to nerve to be upset with me. I ran into him during a girls night out at the club, and he politely whispered in my ear “You know you messed up my relationship.” I too whispered in his hear “Good for her!” I’ll admit I was pissed though, because he said it to me as if we had an understanding about the situation, however I didn’t know he had a girlfriend at all. He obviously had issues. Oh yeah and at the club that night he tried to talk to my friend, most likely out of spite, but she knew better anyway. A mess! Thanks for commenting! 🙂

  2. I found this blog through a google search after experience a very similair situation a few days ago. I know the post is old but I must post a comment. So as stated I went through a very similair situation. Unlike your experience where the dinner would have been your first time at his house, I had been at what I tought was his house on a regular basis. And just like your situation we talked/texted all the time, we went on date frequently and I was with him EVERY saturday.

    A few months into the relationship my intuition started to sense that something wasn’t right. First and foremost I started to find traces of another female around his apartment. When I confronted him about it he claimed that he let his ‘ex’ girlfriend who was now his ‘bestfriend’ stay with him from time to time while she was getting her financial situation in order. Than one day I happened to see him browsing fb when he told me that he didn’t have a fb. When I found out about fb I sent him a friend request so that I could do some investigation but he claimed that he didnt like the idea of being fb friends with the woman he was dating. I left it alone for a few days but than my intuition grew stronger. So my solution was to create a fake page with a pic of some woman I found on google and he approved it.

    Once I got into his page I went straight into investigation mode. And as you will guess my intuition was right: this man had another woman in his life. I couldn’t believe that I got played like this. I was going to just call him and cuss him out and tell him to never call me again but I knew that would be too easy. So I found his girlfriends page via his sisters fb page (he wasn’t friends with her but there was a picture of them together in his albums) and I wrote her. She responded and gave me her number to call her. Also to mention I wrote her from my best friends page so my identity had yet to be revealed. She must have called him first and told him about the message and being that he doesn’t know my best friend he told her to put him on three way during the call. So I called her and she clicked me into the line when he heard my voice he hung up the phone instantly. We tried to call him back but he wouldn’t answer. So her and I talked for about a hour and she exposed everything about him. They had been together for 4 years, the apartment that he had me in was their apartment but the lease was actually in her name, she attends community college and works a late night job on the weekdays and works two jobs on saturdays which is why he was able to spend time with me. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that he lied to me and told me he had an engineering degree and was an engineer, that was revealed to be a lie too. This man worked at a factory job that he got through a temp agency which was his first job ever. Before he secured that job he was a hustler (and according to her she supported him for 3 1/2 years.

    Being that this just happened two days ago I am still a little jacked up from it but I am going to take it as a lesson learned. For right now I decided to remove myself from the dating market until I am ready for all the craziness that comes along with it.

    1. Wow Ebony! First let me say thank you for sharing your experience. With my experience, your experience and others, I wonder how people think they will get away with deceit. At some point the truth will come to light.

      Because the deceit is fresh, I agree to take some ‘you’ time. However, your situation like mine was innocent and you weren’t naive at all. He didn’t exhibit abnormal dating activities, but thank goodness your woman’s intuition sent a signal. A woman’s intuition is so powerful!! You will be just fine, and please share more dating experiences when you’re ready to get back on the scene. Thanks again for sharing!

  3. Wow! Like the above poster, I found this in a google search as I have recently had the same experience. It makes me wonder how many women this actually happens to. Probably LOTS!

    I had met a man on an online dating site, and had been seeing him for 3 months. He is a professional, successful gentleman (yes I googled him, and he was who he said he was). Well-spoken, respectful, fun to be around. He initiated the “exclusive talk” after the first or second date.

    My only problem is that he travelled a lot for work, so was often out of town. He wanted to take things slowly and when I talked to him about not spending as much time together as I would have liked, he explained that it takes him time to get to know people and trust them and it wasn’t his “style” to communicate everyday.

    After about 3 months, I said to him that I was strugglling with not seeing him more regularly, as we got on very well when we did see each other (about once every 2 weeks, and by text a couple times per week and the occasional phone call). I also explained that I needed more communication and time together for the relationship to continue. After this he regularly started initiating contact at least every 2 days, and we exchanged lots of flirty conversations and texts. When we managed to see each other in person next, it had been about a month since we had last seen in other in person (again, travels a lot for business).

    We had a great evening together just after Christmas and a nice talk about our relationship, and we made plans for moving forward. I confirmed with him that he hadn’t been with anyone else. I agreed to go with his slow pace, even though I really wanted to move forward with him, and the slowness was driving me crazy.

    By fluke, I discovered on Facebook (I was not FB friends with him) that one of his FB friends showed on her profile that she was in a relationship with him. I nearly died!!!! It appeared that he met her after we had started dating, and for whatever reason did not feel the need to tell me that he was also in an “exclusive relationship” with another woman!!

    I confronted him, nicely, and he admitted it and apologized. He then asked me not to tell the other woman as he wanted to continue dating her!! I flat out told him that I was not willing to be part of his deception and sent her a brief note suggesting that she needed to talk to him about their relationship, as he had not been honest with either her or I. I did not spell it out: I wanted to give him the honest opportunity to explain and her the incentive to ask. I just could not bear the thought that there was another woman out there who thought that she was in an exclusive relationship with a man who was lying to her. She did send me a note back acknowledging that she had received my message, and it appears they are still together. I felt that I did the right thing (even if she didn’t believe me) as I would have wanted to be told.

    My question is: Would you want to be told if the man you thought you were in a exclusive relationship was sleeping with someone else? Would you believe the other woman? Would you stay with him?

    My answers are: absolutelly yes, I would like to think so, and NO. I also think that contacting the other woman should be done in a kind way as she is likely in the dark too. I know that I acted out of kindness to her, and not out of spite to him.

    But man, did what he did to me ever hurt!!! He made me feel like I was the other woman (but really she was the other woman, since I was dating him first!!).

    I too question how easy it is going to be to trust another man, when the questions have been asked, the conversations had, and you have nothing but a good feeling about them, and still it is a horrible lie! So I am taking a break from dating until I feel healed and confident that I will not be bringing this baggage and mistrust to a new relationship!!

    1. I was in a similer situation about a month ago, he was seeing me for 6 months before i found out he had a gf of 1 year and a few months, i told her about him and what he and i had been doing mostly coz i would want know if roles were reversed.But she didnt believe me and thought i must have been stalking him to get all the info that i had on him. And im glad i found this page it makes me feel alot better knowing im not the only one its happend to (guys are scum). And the worst thing is that he had no reason not to tell me!! we were only friends with benifits. They are still together i believe. I just hope she doesnt get to hurt when he does it again.

  4. I found this by googling “being the other women and not knowing”. I realize that this post is old but I wanted to share.
    I too found myself as the “other women” except I was with this guy for 3 years. I was so convinced that he loved me. And damn it, I still love him.
    The signs were there too and when I confronted him he would tell me lies. But I didn’t know at the time and I wanted to trust him so badly.
    Eventually I couldn’t shake that feeling something was wrong. I snooped his phone and found messages from his girlfriend. It was like reading our texts and I was so devastated.
    I messaged her and she was in the dark about it too. She suspected but never assumed. They started there relationship the same time I started seeing him. I really wish I could have spoken with her some more to expose everything he did. But she didn’t really seem to want to and that’s fine. They are still together.
    It hurts a lot and I keep looking for these posts because I wanna know that I’m not the only one. Your lucky to have found out early instead of it being dragged out for so long.

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