Casual Sex & Friends with Benefits…Can it Work?


(Originally posted: November 13, 2010)

Since the time women embraced independence in a man’s world, more single women are finding pleasure in having casual sex. It’s important to define the difference between casual sex and the popular term “friends with benefits.” Casual sex is sex with someone you have no previous history with, but you’ve established an understanding that the purpose of the relationship is strictly sex. “Friends with benefits” is sex between a friend; you have history, trust, and probably attraction. So can any of these arrangements really work?

At some point both arrangements can get complicated, but it depends on the players in the game. “Friends with benefits” can be more difficult than casual sex because there’s an established friendship. Initially the friends abide by the agreed rules; no feelings, just sex, and the friendship is separate from the sex. Sounds good in the beginning, except as the sex continues one of the friends has a change of heart, and sex is no longer a benefit and rather an emotional connection.

Casual sex, however, involves less connection between players, but the boundaries can still be crossed. It’s all about sex, no previous history, no conversation, no dating, no contact except for the sake of sex. So what’s the problem right? The problem is the same as it is with “friends with benefits.” Players start to catch feelings and the sex is no longer just sex. But on the flip side of that, there may be an issue when someone wants to end the casual sex arrangement. Some people (especially men) don’t want to let a good thing end. My experience was great for quite a while because we had a clear understanding and we didn’t expect any more or any less. Eventually I met someone I wanted to monogamously date and I decided to end my casual sex affair. I ended it by having a very straight-forward conversation with my sex partner and I thought that was that…the end! But not so fast! The man would not let me go! He’d text me sometimes 1:00am with texts like “what are you doing tonight,” “can I come see you,” “let me know when you have some free time. I want to see you.” WTF?! So I had to say some less than flattering things to hurt his ego, so he’d get so upset with me that he’d have no desire to contact me anymore. It’s a shame I had to take it there, but it’s just another example of what can happen with casual sex

Women especially have a rougher time ending a casual sex or a “friends with benefits” arrangement. Why? Sex without attachments is the greatest thing a man can ask for, so when the experience comes to end, they don’t know how to handle it. And it’s not that they can’t get good sex elsewhere, but it may take them some time to find another arrangement that’s so convenient. Not all women understand the “friends with benefits” or casual sex understanding, so men have to go on the hunt all over again. Believe me there are good outcomes of having casual sex or a friend with benefits, but in both situations someone is bound to get their feelings hurt. So just have a one night stand! I’m just sayin…

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